Am I his rebound? Is it going well?

So I’m intrigued to hear what other replies you’ll get. But just by virtue of the timeframe and what he said to you, you’re definitely a rebound.

Doesn’t mean it can’t work of course. But I’d just go super super slow if I were you…

Also, infatuation will tell you he’s the one (what a great feeling that is. Hard not to get won over by it isn’t it?) but your truth is, you can’t possibly really know this early. You know so little about him at this point.

And what does “the one” even really mean?

So I admit, I’m a hypocrite a little bit, because I love using the term myself. But really, Poppy, I feel now that “the one” means the one you choose because they’re kind loving virtuous/principled, sexy AND compatible with you. The one with whom your lives can align well together. The one who brings out the best in you and you bring out the best in him. The one that, no matter how bad things get or how rough life gets, you can trust that they’ve got your back and it’s natural for you to have theirs. The one who isn’t perfect, but when they (or you) make mistakes, they’re not real breakers and instead they way they are means that you ultimately grow together in a good and great way.

To know if they’re truly the one, you’ve got to see how they show up over a period of time and in a variety of different situations.

Don’t let feelings fool you, even strong ones. Keep your head even whilst you enjoy the romance. You can bet your bottom dollar he is doing precisely this.

Tread carefully and protect your heart. He’s warned you already – I’d pay heed. Just because he likes you and fancies you too, doesn’t mean the warning he gave has gone away.

Maybe I’m being too cautious, but I’ve been on both sides of the equation, and there were always tears ultimately….

Doesn’t mean that’s what’s going to happen here of course. Just, be careful that’s all. When someone tells you something negative about where they’re at, believe them. Even if they contradict themselves in behaviour afterwards.

Dear M,

Thank you for the wisdom!! my brain tells me to be cautious and careful but my feelings are all over the place.

Could you please elaborate on how to “go super super slow”? do I push him away until he’s completely over his ex? Should I just check in with him after a few dates to see where he’s at before we get physical?

Poppy

Dear M,

Thanks again for the insights!!!

Yes I completely agree with you on how getting physical early on could mix things up usually not in a good way as I had such experience :(

I think he’d want to kiss me next time after our dinner date and I would like to kiss him to see if there is indeed a spark. I don’t think I’d get much more attached after a kiss(I could be wrong tho). Is that still too risky?

I do not feel comfortable having sex with him this early on. I’d need to know him a lot better.

I also have the urge to tell him go see other women to gain better perspectives and so that I am not his rebound – is that just me being silly?

Poppy

PS I don’t think you’re silly at all. I think you’re really smart and asking smart questions. I wish I had been like you when I was younger!!!

Thanks for all the kindness and words of wisdom, M. I’m so glad that I went on the forum and got to talk to you.

I should’ve asked him to clarify what he meant by he doesn’t want to hurt me. My interpretation from our first conversation was that he hasn’t completely moved on yet and he could get back with his ex if she asked to reconnect. He admitted that he “wouldn’t know how to react” in that situation and that he’s hurt a lot by her but he loved her for so long that it’s very conflicting. He said he was ready to propose but his ex at some point decided she wasn’t happy anymore and wasn’t willing to work on things. So she asked him to move out and ended the relationship rather abruptly. Tbh, I don’t think he’s got a clear idea why exactly the relationship ended. They were university sweethearts but did a lot of long distance before they finally moved in together before Covid. They were together for 12 years! He seems to think it’s mostly because he could get “hot tempered” sometimes with her. I want to dig into it a little more with him when it’s appropriate.

Then on the second date he told me that he’s trying hard to move on and he feels better day by day, and that he doesn’t see the relationship saveable as there was too much hurt.

I encouraged him to talk to a therapist, shared some resources with him and lent him my book on attachment theory so helpfully he could sort it out for himself soon 🤞🤞🤞.

Poppy, I think your main issue here is you’re trying to control what cannot be controlled, in an attempt to avoid repeating pain like you had in your last relationship. You’re framing your descriptions as finding the “right” way to date him, so he doesn’t get scared but you avoid being his rebound.

So here’s some other perspective. He just got out of a 12 year relationship, and he doesn’t quite understand why it didn’t work out. I strongly suspect it was related to him not proposing after 12 years. Sure, if they met in university, then they may have wanted to wait and not get married in their 20s. But he must be at least 30 now, and was only just ready to propose once she was so unhappy she was ready to break up with him? And still isn’t sure what went wrong that resulted in her ending the relationship “abruptly,” even though it may have also been his hot temper? It took him 12 years to get to that point with her, but you’re wondering if giving him a few weeks will be enough time for him to get in a better mindset for a new relationship.

He also said he wants to be *friends* first, but you described all your subsequent hangouts as “dates” and are thinking through how fast you should move physically. Is he calling them dates? You can’t be just friends while also trying to figure out your game plan for getting him to come around to where you want him to be. It sounds like you’re on two very different pages about where you’re both at and what you both want and when.

Moving slow, especially in this case, means dropping all expectations or attachment to outcomes. It’s being curious about him and who he is, open to whoever that may be without projecting anything on him (he’s not “the one,” he’s not a check list of boxes, he’s just a guy you don’t know much about yet). It’s not, seeing him as a potential boyfriend if you just wait 5 dates before you kiss and let him date other people first. You can’t control any of that. All you can do is build a connection, familiarity and trust, while being honest with yourself about if you want the same things and are compatible.

He doesn’t sound ready for dates or your romantic emotional investment in him yet, though building a connection by getting to know who he is and if you actually like who that person is is okay if that’s what you want to do. I’d be wary, since you trying to plot out exactly how to approach this suggests to me that you will be very hurt if you begin getting physically intimate with him. He knows you’re on different pages too, or he wouldn’t have given you an early warning. But he’s assuming you’ll take responsibility for your own feelings and not get carried away if you know that’s not where he’s at.

I personally don’t think you should stop meeting new people to pursue this. But I also think you will have more success if you spend more time on healing from your past, in the sense of building up your own self-esteem, identity, and self-worth so that you’re no longer afraid of getting hurt because you know you have your own back no matter what a guy does! You said you have a support network and your own life, and that’s great! Lean into your friends, do things that make you feel good about yourself and connected to the people you care about, explore what gives you a sense of accomplishment or enjoyment, remember your worth even if you ex took you for granted! This guy is going to jerk you around, not intentionally, but he’s got to get over 12 years and he has barely started and probably is at a loss for who he even is (he’s never been single as an adult! I don’t even mean dating around, I mean figuring out who he himself is on his own!). If your connection is as instantly strong as you think, let him go do his thing, and he will get back in touch when he’s ready. Or if he doesn’t, it just means he wasn’t “the one,” and there’s a better fit for you coming your way.

Any guy that tells you he doesn’t want to hurt you at the very beginning of everything will most likely hurt you.

I say this because in his mind he has already warned you that he might.

So from the begining he wasn’t 100% in.

Everything Maddie said. There’s no way this guy is ready to date if he just ended a 12 year relationship 3 months ago! From what you said they were living together? So he’s barely even started living alone. And you can’t possibly know he’s “the one” after only 1 month and 3 dates.

M has a great point that you need to get to know a guy over time, and in a variety of situations and circumstances, before you really know him.

He’s told you he wants to be friends and isn’t over his last relationship. Believe him!

It sounds like you’re doing the wise thing to be thinking this through and recognizing there’s more to this situation than what your emotions are telling you. Emotions are a good guide, and I’m sure your instincts are right that there’s a strong feeling of connection, but it’s good to keep in mind that they are telling you something for a reason but are not the solid truth on their own.

In regards to what you’re saying about developing physical intimacy when he’s ready, also remember that you can and always should respect his feelings and needs, but you should not try to plan, anticipate, or mindread them, or ignore your own needs. (If your needs are in fundamental conflict with his, then it’s better to walk away romantically-speaking.) If he’s telling you one thing, that he wants to be friends, but acting another way, flirty and like more than friends, it means two things. It means his inconsistency is reflecting either his inner conflict (this can happen from lack of emotional availability) or deep down him wanting to keep things casual and liking what you have — in general, inconsistency shows not being available for a serious relationship with you. Since he’s an adult, you should not have to mindread, guess/assume, or be confused, because you need to be able to communicate well with each other for things to work. (I think you already recognize this as you recommended some therapy resources, and you don’t want to fall into a therapist role for him, that’s definitely rebound territory.) And the second thing is, when faced with a situation like that where the other person’s words and actions are not aligned, I’ve learned that you should always believe the more “negative” of the words / actions / feelings. I’ve wasted years of my own time on several different “partners” thinking I will believe the actions and feelings over the words (constantly acting like a serious boyfriend yet not verbally fully committing) because everyone says actions speak louder. But this is truly not the case, after seeing it through so many different times. When there is inconsistency, listen to whatever your instinct is telling you you’d rather not hear, and use that information to figure out what’s best for you.

Keep asking the right questions like you are doing and checking in with yourself and your gut about what’s going on here :)

Hi Poppy

Just a quick one before I have to dash today – after reading your reply to my last post, I felt like I wanted to say to you “give this one a wide berth!”

Can’t write more at mo because have to dash, but essentially I agree with everything everyone else has written here. Some super valuable perspectives offered and shared for you.

My concern is….

Well I’m going to be simple and direct purely because of time:

Everyone here says, you’re heading for disaster if you start courting this guy wanting something to happen.

It feels like intellectually you get it and you can agree.

But your questioning in this last post almost suggests, nothings really changed for you in essence. You’re still trying to manage the situation, because you still have the same thoughts of desire in your head.

I feel a little like I’m watching a train wreck in process.

Because of your physical and emotional attraction to this guy, and the fact that he feels desire too but minus the desire to be a boyfriend – I just can’t see how you can hang out with him and just be friends.

The more time you spend with this guy, the more you’re setting yourself up to act on the growing sexual tension. You both feel it – it’s just that only one of you wants it to lead to boyfriend/girlfriend situation, the other doesn’t.

Guess what’s going to happen, it doesn’t matter how you dress it up or what you call it or how many times a week you see each other – the fact is you both have the hots for each other, and it’s only heading in one direction. He’s told you, I’m going to hurt you – so he’s transferred responsibility for his actions onto you if you decide to get involved.

I just don’t see how you can hang out with him currently and this not screw with your head and heart???

Oh I see…

You suspect what I couldn’t handle the emotional turbulence because of his situation and even my brain knows what I should/shouldn’t do, my heart would still rush me into it.

My heart tells me not to miss out on this one :/ that’s why I ask questions here so that I could better manage 😅

I guess we’ll find out :p

I’m sorry Poppy, I’m come off rude and condescending and I didn’t mean that. I shouldn’t haven’t written it that way, I apologise 🙏

You answered with class 😍😊

I sincerely apologise.

Let me rephrase. Using your words, the reason I thought you couldn’t handle it, is because I couldn’t. I was projecting.

Maybe you can.

I do this exercise where I check in with my head, my heart and my gut, and see what all three of them are saying. I learnt it from Tony Robbins. (Do you know him? He’s AMAZING! One of my heroes.) There’s a lot of research around the wisdom to be gained from these 3 places in your body. If memory serves well, I think they’re called your 3 brains by one of the researcher duos. I can’t remember the book title off the top of my head.

When all 3 are aligned, I know I’m good and safe to go. Like it’s a brilliant powerful move and I should definitely definitely do it.

Tony gives names to these wisdom centres… I think he calls the head “The Sovereign”, …. Actually I can’t remember the others now! I’ll have to look them up. (Also, i think…. I have a feeling maybe he checks in with the throat as well….).

Anyway, the point is, normally when we think of our brain, we think of the one in our head. Yet our body holds memories and wisdom all throughout it. In every cell actually. And in certain parts of it, the nerves (or something… medics please don’t shoot me down if I’m wrong on the biology!) are localised.

Certainly I know for sure we have chakras and major energy centres in those areas.

My personal understanding is that it’s good to consult all of your brains/wisdom centres, because each one is a kind of specialist that will give you its unique opinion on the situation. They’ll give you a different perspective on the situation.

My understanding and personal experience is that in most instances is, the heart is the seat of so much power and wisdom and magic. When you operate in the world from this place, you give so freely and abundantly and beautifully and purely, you can create wonderful wonderful things in the world. The people that you give to will benefit tremendously, and they’ll even feel it. You might even hear them say they feel touched. The language isn’t misleading, they felt your heart because you gave from this very pure powerful generous and selfless place.

Normally I’d always advise a person to operate from this amazing powerful place. I try to operate from this place as much as possible myself.

What I’ve personally discovered is, (and it may be different for you), is that I give far more than most people expect and usually with good results (unless I’m super tired and short on time as we evidenced earlier! Again I apologise!).

It’s not an easy way to live necessarily, because giving so much can be personally costly. You’re freely giving away so much of your time, your energy and your love. And in a lot of situations there’s little to nothing to personally gain from the situation. The person may be grateful, but almost never matches the personal investment you make in them.

I’m totally cool with that, because that’s what I’m all about. That for me is a worthwhile thing, a life well lived if you like. I do it for selfish reasons, because the paradox is, altruism feels so good, I guess it’s my drug if you like!!! 😅

This all being said, there’s a key distinction to be made in terms of context.

Inside a committed relationship, it is such a powerful way to live. You don’t keep score or live in a transactional way. You just give, even when it’s not fair and it’s not rational.

There is wisdom in this, because you can help counter your partners deficiencies to a great extent and help bring them up. And because it’s inside a committed relationship, they won’t leave you or hang you out to dry in the end because they’re committed to you. The love always comes back to you from the same source and you benefit in the long run. (Caveat or note rather, loving from the heart is different from codependent relationships, you do what’s best for the other not what they want you to do).

When you operate, give and follow solely from the heart outside of committed relationships, it’s a riskier strategy. People may appreciate it, they’ll be drawn to you for at least some time because they benefit in some way from your heart and generosity.

But ultimately, people usually operate from their own agenda, because that’s how human beings are. Once they have all they need, they tend to go off and do their next thing, wherever their heart leads them.

You have to have a really really strong heart and resilience to be able to deal with this, because it can be hurtful when you’ve given so much (and developed some attachment) and you’re left behind in the dust whilst they go on to conquer the next phase of their life, empowered by all the love and time and energy you’ve given them.

My personal advice would be, in matters of romance where being left behind is potentially so much more devastating and debilitating than other relationships, always always always lead with your head before the guy has committed to you.

Consulting and listening to, and being guided by your head in these circumstances, over and above your heart, will protect you from great hurt. The heart is powerful, but also vulnerable. Your head knows this, and it will guide you rationally.

Guys definitely operate like this. Until they fall in love.

We women are more emotional creatures, so it’s harder work for us to operate like this, even before we fall in love. And in romance it does not serve us. In fact it works to our detriment.

Proximity is a powerful thing Poppy. The more time you spend with him, unless he’s a complete ass, the more likely feelings of attachment and affection and desire will arise (and sometimes even despite a guy being a complete ass!). This is heady stuff. If you’re even slightly confused now, expect that to increase as time goes on. Desire has felled and ruined many and countless lives.

I myself have fallen victim to this awful trap more than once (or twice) (or three times) (or…. well, let’s just stop here shall we! . Ultimately I could not handle the emotional turbulence because overtime it became a tsunami of feeling. First positive taking me high, then massively negative crushing me completely afterwards.

I could be wrong, but the pattern I went through, I see it in your posts with you. BUT of course I could be wrong. I might be projecting too strongly.

Anyway, that’s what I meant when I wrote initially. I’m sorry I came off as a jerk! I should have phrased it better.

Sending you love. 😊❤️
I’m going to go back to bed now! Have a full day ahead, so maybe won’t get a chance to reply again for a bit. Hope you have a beautiful day. And stay safe Poppy. Protect your heart! You’re obviously such a smart and empathic girl, I’m sure you’re meant to go on and do great things in life. Choose someone who will lift you, you deserve at least that much, if not a whole lot more.x

Also, if what I’ve said is off the mark, then as always, ignore! Your deep inner aligned wisdom trumps anything any outsider could tell you!