Am I overreacting

Hi wendy.

You’ve passed into a different phase of your relationship which is very normal. Once a man commits he starts pulling back a bit to slow down and normalize the pace as they transition into a more comfortable and secure position with you. One they “have you” so to speak, they don’t need to exert the same amount of time energy as they did when “wooing you” and start re-exerting some of that energy and time into the areas of their life that they had been neglecting during the initial honeymoon phase, which is what you should be doing too.

Just follow his pace, don’t freak out or go into crazy mode, get back to doing some of the things you had been neglecting too and continue to be the normal, happy, carefree woman that he fell in love with. I liken the honeymoon phase to a new puppy where you dote and lavish it with attention, but as its start getting older, independent and more comfortable with you and its surroundings you devote less and less time attention but you don’t love it any less than you did in the beginning—same concept.

Dear Wendy, So he says he’s in love with you, you have time apart, then when he can see you to spend time after time apart he lies to you so he can spend more time apart, and now he isn’t even initiating time to see you?

Hmmmmm…. that does sound like pulling away and it could be related to his work and stress with his ex, but his behavior is a little mehhhhhh…..not impressive. In fact, you sound awesome, completely un-needy, making your own plans with friends, not waiting around and letting him know his lie was unnaccetable,,,,, 3 months is super ealy on and he should still be wooing you.

So what do do? Continue what you are doing. But remember that this is your time to determine if he has the character, values, and compatibility that would make a great match for you. The minute you get overly focused on how he feels about you, rather than you sitting back and assessing his efforts and fit for you, you put yourself into needy mode. Stay your confident self, let him be, see what he brings, and he needs to bring it, A game, nothing less.

To be honest, I don’t like the lie he told, I like that you communicated it to him assertively but that little lie is a little turn-off especially at 3 months into a relationship when a man is supposed to be on his absolutely BEST behavior. Keep your eyes and ears out on that one, cause if he feels he has to lie to keep you happy but get his needs met then that’s more than a little lie as it might mean he isn’t being fully honest about his feelings, and/or doesn’t trust that he can be honest with you which signals communication issues.

Ok I have one of you telling me this is natural for a man and another telling me its odd that he is not initiating time together. I agree about the lie and I must admit that I’m now in the “don’t trust it mode” since I learned he told it. Yeah men are going to lie sometimes do do things like play golf but not want to upset their woman and I am willing to give a second chance since we all make mistakes but I can still feel him pulling back some since the lie and I don’t know why. He hasn’t stop texting….pretty much communicating throughout most of the day…but its just whats being said. But both of you do tell me to kinda pull back myself and just not worry and keep doing “my thing” When he texts I’m not saying anything ugly or mean, just listening and I must admit being a little aloof but not too bad.

Ivy I do understand what you are saying about the love thing but I do see he loves me….a lot. I do….at least it is apparent we are both falling in love and mistakes do happen. When he lied to me I asked him, “What do you want from me?” and he said “to be with me.” I don’t know what to do…..I really don’t.

Hi Wendy :)

I say let it ride. You just exchanged I love yous, you caught him in a lie and had your first argument. A little bit of space might be good right now. See what happens and maybe bring it up eventually if things don’t change. This time next week, things might look totally different. Who knows! Time will tell. xo

Thanks Lane. I did communicate to him in a non accusatory way my feelings that he was being distant. I said to him something like, “I feel as if you love me and I love you but lately I feel as if you have been a little distant like you are unsure about your feelings for me..etc..and i respect that I just would like our communication to be open and honest like it has been if we want to contd. to trust each other.” He said, “why you worrying, drink some wine. You know I love you and know my plans and regardless of how you feel, if you don’t feel it, you do motivate me to do things and be better.”

He said that to me and I thought it was so sweet but then I still feel the distance. I think your right and that hes just taking a break from all of the talk and intimacy we have had lately. I mean he has shared a lot and so have I. I admit I got needy one other night and said, “are you sure everything is ok?” and he said yes stop asking and I haven’t since then and I’m just trying to play along in the conversations working on his cue while also planning a life for myself. I guess its probably apparent that i do really like/love this guy and don’t want to blow it.

Yes, this is where women go so wrong in relationships—over thinking and analyzing a man’s behavior that you’re ill equipped to understand because you aren’t one. Men are driven by testosterone and we are driven by estrogen which are two distinctly different hormones that drives the way we think, act and communicate. So when a man say’s “everything’s fine”…believe him, because if its not he will let you know. Need to build up your confidence a bit and be OK when he acts a little distant because that’s a natural guy behavior.

Men are from MARS and we are from VENUS—we really are! I suggest reading up on that as it will help you understand what men do and why they do it so you don’t freak out when it happens. Remember what feels natural to you doesn’t feel natural to them because they are biologically different than us many ways (genetics, brain wiring, chromosomes, hormones, etc.) so you have to learn not to take it so personally.

Of course there are general human behaviors such as the lying that needs to be nipped in the bud, but when it comes to differences between male and female behaviors then you have to learn how to be a bit more flexible by not expecting more than their able to give naturally—if you need constant romance and reassurance then you’ll have to find a guy who’s capable of giving that to you.

I would find it troubling that he got jealous about you going by yourself to the reunion. In my mind that is a red flag.

I view his behavior as being pouty … you went away and had fun, so now he is going to pull back and ‘punish’ you of sorts by acting distant and then lying to you about why he could not spend the day.

I would pull back and see what he does. I would also stay alert to other signs of jealousy. It may feel flattering, at first, but its a sign of insecurity and potential controlling behavior on his part.

I don’t know your relationship. or what else is really going on with him, but I can understand how you might see the cause/effect relationship between the reunion and his distant behavior.

Do not ask him. Just see if he comes out of it on his own.

And I have been pulling back some too….or at least just sitting on my hands letting him come to me with whatever he wants to talk to me about. I’m not running to him asking him whats wrong whats wrong?? lol!!! Just feels so hard and it stinks!!!!

So he texted me all night last night and then this morning. Some of it us catching up on our day, some of it flirty, some of it down right sexual. Then he told me how he was sorry but that he is having some trouble with his two sons and feels that he needs to pay them more attention. He told me he had to deal with these issues with his children, who are 16 and 18, and that it had nothing to do with us. He said he didn’t know when he could see me this week but that he was going to try. We haven’t met each other’s children yet only because we both feel after only 3 months that its too soon to be playing family yet. I don’t want my children to meet any many in my life unless I think its real.

So I guess I just have to pull back a little and be patient and see what happens. I told him I understood and that I was there for him if he needed me. I just hope that its not a BS excuse and that his problems with his children are real. My biggest issue is I already caught him in that little lie….now I don’t know if hes lying or not and that is difficult for me. I hate liars!!!!!

But he is saying he loves me. I asked him if maybe we needed to maybe step back from the relationship while he deals with his issues and he seemed to get irritated over that statement. I think now I’m just going to follow his lead but also have my life and my plans and I may even date other people. What do you guys think?

Hi Wendy,

I just read this whole thread and agree a lot with Lane. And I can relate to you in some ways. I’ve been with my guy for 5 months now and although I’ve never had issues with him lying to me, I can relate to you with the transition from wooing to just being normal. I believe a lot in love languages and that there are certain importance to each individual and one of my love languages is words. It’s important for me to know I’m special to the person I’m with. Not so much reassurance, but I just like to feel appreciated and sweet words never get old to me. I think that people can over do it sometimes, and that can be a turn off, but I think that no matter what stage in the rltp, it’s nice to hear words of appreciation.

In the first 2 or 3 months I was getting those “I just want you to know I love you. I’m all about you. You me happier than anyone” texts at least a few times a week, and in the past month or so it’s just been a lot more laid back. We hang out all the time and things are good, but I don’t receive those reassuring texts as much. I chalked it up to him just being more comfortable with me, given that we hang out pretty
Much every day, and that it’s just a new stage in the relationship, but I still felt the need to express my concerns to him in a non threatening way. I just let him know that I appreciate him so much and said some positive things but said that those kind words are important to me and make me feel special and regardless of what stage we are in the relationship… 5 months or 25 years, I never want us to get lazy. He understand and said that’s something he will make sure to remember.

I just think open communication is so critical. That and trust. And I know it’s hard since he lied to you once, but since you did choose to stay in the rltp you have to try and just (cautiously) move past that and trust him. If you’re ever having doubts, don’t be afraid to communicate. I think a lot of girls fear what the guy will say or they don’t want to seem needy or dependent but if you can’t be open and honest in a rltp without scaring the guy away, I don’t think he’s the right guy for you. I’ve been in plenty of rltps where something they were
Doing raised red flags to me and I would express that and a lot of the guys would get defensive and break stuff off or get mad at me and I just realized that they weren’t the ones for me.

I agree guys communicate and think so differently than girls too. I thought my bf was acting distant and when I mentioned to him that things felt off he was baffled. We fought last week and it’s been bothering me for
Days, but from a guys stand point, when the fight was
Resolved he completely moved on from it and thought things were great. If I hadn’t communicated w him in the way I did, I would still be analyzing and stressing that things were off.

I think it sounds like this guy really likes you. Guys don’t say they love you for the hell of it and he wouldn’t be dragging it on if he didn’t care for you. Just breathe, be confident, continue on with your own independent life, and be open with him about your feelings. Everything will work out how it’s supposed to.

Good luck !

Not to intrude, but do y’all mind helping me out with my question too, please? SOS

Hi Ashely,
He must have had a hella lot of unpaid traffic tickets!