Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Am I overreacting in regards to my boyfriends porn and dirty pictures?
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Raven.
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Susan
My boyfriend and I are coming up on our one year anniversary, but every couple weeks lately I keep finding porn and nude pictures pop up at random whether on my boyfriend’s phone or iPad ect, I have told him I do not appreciate finding this stuff and it makes me feel like I am not enough for him and makes me question what I look like and what I do in the bedroom which I never did before. I have told him that I believe sex and intimacy should be shared just between the man and the woman in the relationship, I believe that by him getting off to something or someone else cheapens what we have together, why does he need something else? I am a christian and I have my strong beliefs on the subject, him on the other hand thinks there is nothing wrong with it, he is a christian but a troubled one at that, (whole other discussion for another time)
When he keeps assuring me that I am enough and says that there is no reason behind the images and porn I don’t see that as an answer. When I ask point blank “why do you have these pictures or why are you watching this” he says there is no reason and there is no why.
I have a very hard time understanding this answer because it really isn’t an answer.Also some of these pictures are of old exes and people he has been with. How can I just ignore this behavior. He is making me feel like I am overreacting but I know this is a problem in my heart.
I have been up all night reading forums about what men think and why they watch porn and keep dirty pictures but none of it makes sense.I was sitting at the airport last month and in a computer that we are both linked to was a dirty picture of a girl that he was with at one time and I text him and said and I quote “so apparently some of your pictures synced to picassa and I am seriously not trying to be an ass but honestly I shouldn’t have to be surprised by other women’s naked pictures.. so what ever other pictures you have stored up in your collection of computer devices get rid of them please unless there is some reason you are hanging on to them”
I don’t that is unreasonable.I love sex with him and we used to have sex every day and now its down to twice a week at best.
We are both very athletic and in good shape and eat healthy, I know his work has been stressful but that shouldn’t be an excuse, I am always available for sex and I even send him pictures of myself hoping that may satisfy him but I feel like it’s not enough, apparently since this keeps coming up.Last night we were sitting on the couch looking random things on Facebook when I noticed that hit top recent searches on Facebook were pages of naked fitness models, not porn but when I asked him about it it let to asking “have you been watching porn since you said you’d stop” and he said he has unintentionally watched it, like there is a difference between that and seeking it out to watch it. It sounds like he is just trying to divert my attention and won’t directly answer my question.
He addressed why we haven’t had sex much, he said its because he doesn’t want it to be a quickie every time and I deserve more than that, he said he could predict me having a problem 6 months down the road with “how come we only have quickies anymore” I’m sorry I think this is another diversion. He doesn’t want to make time for me or sex and it’s a problem.
Anyway before we resolved the conversation, he got so upset with my asking “why” that he left which we have an agreement never to walk out on each other. If I know why I can try to understand, but I feel like he doesn’t want me to know why cause it may hurt me or worse. He is a very honest man and I know he would never cheat on me, he comes from a terribly troubled childhood, mother issues. But he becomes so enraged with the subject it’s like he becomes a different person. One of the last things he said before leaving last night was “this will never be over for you, this will always come up again” YES it will always come up because if I find or see something I am going to address it. And there is no closure because he always leaves when he is done discussing it. I never get the closure and understanding that I need.
Please shed some light on the matter, I am really upset and just want some answers.
Susan
Please excuse the type errors I typed this really fast and I am still quite upset!
Aries
The only thing i would be concerned about is the photos of his ex and people he knows.
However, every guy watches and looks at porn. There might be a odd few who dont but i have yet to meet a guy who doesnt. It really isnt a big deal and has absolutely nothing to do w.you. .
Hes gonna continue to but he will try to keep it from u now.Inever seen my bf looking at porn but i kno does because hes a man so i bought him headphones one day when we moved in together and i jokenly said “so now when u watch porn i wont have to accidentally hear it” and he laughed and said thanks.
Our sex life is perfect and him looking at porn dpes not affect it in anyway. However, if he had nude pics of ex girlfriends etc id be livid.If i were u I’d be more worried about him possibly cheating w.a ex rather then porn.
susanb.
Ok – please don’t be upset…but I have to point out something about your post.
You said you’re a Christian and have strong views on the issue…but you’re having pre-marital sex with your boyfriend?
If you’re having trouble with porn, but are ok having pre-marital sex, and you are a Christian…maybe the reason he is having trouble is because of your conflicting views.
Personally, I don’t have a problem with porn or my boyfriend looking at it. Heck, sometimes we look together or talk about it – it makes me happy that we are so comfortable…it doesn’t mean I am any less or he is…sometimes it’s just fun! I’d say maybe re-think your views on one or the other- decide which side of the fence your on…lighten up a little?
The pics of exes, that seems a little different and would bother me more….but still it is a conflicting message you’re sending.
Mel
I think he is frustrated because you aren’t accepting his answer, you may not agree with it but you have to accept it. Men are visual creatures plain and simple, men are going to look at that stuff, there is no why are reason behind it. That is something you need to accept if you are going to be with him, cause I guarantee that there isn’t one man on this earth that hasn’t looked at some kind of porn or naked pictures and will continue to do so whether they are with you or not.
dee
I also agree with the girls. Porn does not sound like a big problem unless it has a negative affect on ur sex life eg: he watches it everyday and is satisfied with porn alone. To men, porn is just a fantasy thing.
I also agree with the girls that keeping exes pix is the only worrying thing.Susan
It is the fact that he cannot give me a reason that I have the problem with. And the exes pictures is the biggest problem. Something has effected our sex life and this is the only thing that is clear.
Sandy
Religious values and childhood issues aside, the porn thing may not be as big a deal as you are making it. Obviously I agree with some of the girls above. His reaction to you is that now you have placed yourself over him like a scolding mother and now he is defensive and resentful.
ALL Guys look at porn for every reason or no reason, a little porn or lots of porn as their desires come and go. If a guy never looked at porn he wouldn’t be normal. Usually it has nothing to do with you, it’s just what/who guys are. Don’t making it “your” issue.
What’s not cool is:
– If the porn becomes an obsession
– If the porn gets out of the normal/legal realm.
– Keeping the old gf stuff or sending it to them? Way not cool. Get rid of that stuff or keep it private. Really bad form to subject the current gf to it.
– Porn pop ups on everything/ everywhere, get a grip, amateur!
– If porn is more important than the real main event with you.
– Imposing his porn or unreal porn expectations on you.Otherwise I hope your guy has other more redeeming qualities to keep you around.
Mel
You keep saying It is the fact that he cannot give me a reason that I have the problem with.
And that is the thing there is NO REASON that is what you have to understand THERE IS NO REASON he looks at it. that is why he isn’t giving you one because there isn’t one.Amelia
Susanb, you took the words right out of my mouth…
You are a christian and having pre-marital sex?
I love porn and I’m a woman. It turns me on, maybe you should watch it with him one time. You could like it. It could make those “quickies” into hour long sessions because you both are so hot.
The pictures of the exes are concerning though..is he willing to delete them?
Angelo
Yo, i was just looking for some posts about…guys having dirty pictures on there computers and what not…im a guy and im trying to stay away from all that kind of stuff…trying to get closer to Jesus…. i used to be in a relationship of 5 years…in which we were physically intimate with one another…as is the custom of this day and age…but we ended up breaking up, because i decided i didnt want to have sex before marriage anymore…becuase of what the bible had to say about Fornication ( sex before marriage)…here check this out… i thought i would post this…incase you didnt know…becuase i sure didnt know for a long time myself…..”Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals.”
1 Corinthians 6:9
Sherri
I think if you guys have only quickies all the time, he may be bored of it. Could you spice up ur sex life a bit? And sometimes make it a marathon as opposed to a quickie?
Me
No, you are not overreacting. I am not Christian but do value how the Bible treats sexuality.
Don’t let people get you down on this: society is incredible sexualisized and you do not have to conform to that.
I believe there are men that stop watching porn for their partner, or don’t watch it at all. Men are not cavemen anymore, they can have control if they want to.
It’s been a while since you posted this and I hope you are doing well.Mike
Him watching porn has nothing to do with you, trust me. It’s just something guys do.
Having naked pictures of his ex’s, on the other hand, is an issue. And it’s an issue you claim your religion is the reason you are put off by his behavior, yet you’re having pre martial sex. Come on now.
Amanda
3 year old post
Heather
Dear Susan, I dont think there is anything wrong with you or you feelings of being hurt or betrayed. I too have had the same problems with my ex boyfriend, only difference is that my ex used to lie to me about it and denied it no matter what proof that I had found. He will take it to the grave with him! In my opinion, porn is the problem in most relationships these days. Nothing good comes from watching porn! Nothing! It is literally bad for your health and distructive for relationships. The act of sex is supposed to be something that is cherished and is meant to be an intimate, personal, private, and special thing that two people share together when they love each other. Porn is disgusting and it is the definition of sin. It is vile and disgusting. And I dont care what all of these “females” are saying in their comments about how “they watch porn because they are men and that is just what men do.” That is a load of crap! Men dont have to watch porn! They choose to! Just like they can choose to do the right thing when they say they love someone and respect that that makes her uncomfortable and stop. When you love someone you respect their feelings and dont want to hurt that person. It is not difficult to stop watching porn! The way I see it if he doesn’t respect you enough to stop or at least talk to you about it and help you understand why, then he is not really trying to stop nor does he really care about how it hurts you. And these people on here aren’t helping the problem by lying and saying that it is no big deal. Because it is a big deal. I hope that you can find a solution and that you find happiness Susan. Because you deserve to be respected. <3
Raven
This post is 9 Years ago…
The deal will porn, males will watch it, you can’t stop them no matter how much you demand they stop, they won’t.
Pictures of exes are a different story so be very careful what you send cos YOU will be saved in a cache for later…
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