Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › am I wrong here?
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AngieBaby.
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Emma
Hi everyone, I need some marriage advice. I know this site is more for dating advice, but I’ve gotten some helpful insight here so I’m hoping to get some clarity on my situation.
My husband and I have been married for 5 years. After my dad passed away, my mother moved in with us. My husband and my mom get along well, she is a very private person so she helps me with cooking and when she’s not cooking, she’s at work or minding her business in her room giving us privacy. My mom shows gratitude for living with us by helping us.
My mother-in-law has been wanting to move in with us for about two years now since my father-in-law passed away. Her and my relationship has been rocky because she never helps out with anything. Instead she is a messy person, so she’ll leave her bowl on the kitchen table, never cleans up after herself, even left her dirty paper napkin on the counter a few times. She drinks tea 2-3 times a day and leaves the tea bags on the kitchen counter too. She is also entitled, told me once that “this is her son’s house and she’s going to come here when she wants to” I had told my husband to have a chat with her about this and he did, she hasn’t said this to me again, but never apologized for saying it either.
We avoided moving her in because of all these reasons. But since she came back from her trip, she fell once (without any injury), came to stay with us. Acted like she was sick so I’m cooking and cleaning up after her. She went back home and a week later, fractured her ankle, came back with us for 2 months since she couldn’t walk. I’m cooking and cleaning after her. We had someone give her bath and such in the morning. My husband was back and forth at her service, not much time left for us. Whenever we went out with friends, he would come back home early so he can serve her dinner etc. I understood that she needed help. After she’s healed, she went back to her house. Within a week of her going back home, she felt dizzy after a lunch with some friends, but still got behind the wheels, fainted, and drove into a pole. Now she has fractured her arm and can’t do anything so she’s back with us. My husband said that she was going back in two weeks, but just informed me that she’ll been to be here at least for 6 more weeks. He was afraid to tell me I guess because he knows that I’m not her big fan. This has been my life since March of this year. I don’t get to spend time with him because she needs help all the time. Also, she’s always loud on the phone or has TV loud. I work from home and I don’t get peace and quite I prefer in the house. I feel like my needs take a second priority in my house.
His work keeps him more busy so I have always done cooking and cleaning around the house. Now he says that he can’t even put away the clean dishes which was the only chore he did in the kitchen because he’s too busy working and taking care of his mom. I AM SO DONE. I feel like maid more than a wife. Granted, he shows a lot of love and appreciation with words. He takes out trash and does the laundry once a week.
He told me that he wants to move his mom in with us. I told him that a house with a finished basement with kitchen could be an option, but he’s been pushing for a smaller house which wouldn’t take care of the noise issue of hers.
What do I do? Am I asking for too much? Am I being unkind? Should we go to marriage counseling?
Raven
Sounds like she needs to be in a Nursing Home!
Can you/she have someone help her in HER house?
Hire a cleaner,
Cook meals & deliver every other day or so?What ever you do, do not let her move in!
Maddie
You’re not wrong. You’re in fact right to be honest about what your limitations and your boundaries are that allow you to remain mentally and emotionally healthy. You and your husband need to get on the same page about what’s an acceptable lifestyle situation so you can then approach it as a team when you add your MIL into the planning conversation.
It sounds like he may have fears or is feeling guilt from his mother, so figuring this out needs to come from recognizing and working through that. Ask him what those are and listen to what he has to say. A marriage counselor may make it easier. Some things he may be concerned about are not trusting others to take care of her, worrying that she’ll assume no one will visit and she’s being abandoned if she moves into a nursing home, or having financial concerns about if you can all afford either hired help, a living facility, or a larger house.
In your situation, if I could afford it, I might first try to hire her a nurse to help her out in her own home. Whether she’s got help full or part time in her house or she moves into a nursing home, you can make a visitation schedule so she knows she’ll still see you. With a nurse, you will have some time to explore more permanent living options. Again, if you can afford it, I agree with you that a separate attached apartment would be the best thing if she’s going to move in with you. Maybe it can be on the opposite side of the house from you if noise is a concern, or in a converted detached garage if that’s an option and affordable for you wherever you are.
There are a few different possible solutions to this, but you do need to make it clear to your husband that while you love him and want this to work for everyone, but you’re also at the end of your patience for the current situation and you need to make changes and plans, and it may require some expert counseling to get there.
AngieBaby
First, to take some immediate pressure off you and the entire situation, hire a cleaner to help you at home now. It’s very unfair to expect you to take care of the entire household of all these people. Your husband should be helping more but isn’t because he’s working. OK fine. Then hire cleaning help!
You’re going to have to politely but firmly put your foot down and say his mother is not moving in. At all. What she needs is assisted living. These accidents are going to keep happening and she needs more care than the two of you are able to provide. This is what’s best for her from a practical and medical standpoint. That’s just a fact above and beyond the personal issues. Also, if she’s been asked to clean up after herself and be more considerate about making noise and she isn’t complying now, she’s never going to change. If she moves in, she’s never going to leave. You can’t allow that, it will be a disaster for your marriage, your peace of mind and peace in the household.
Obviously your husband is stuck in the middle, which is why he dragged his feet on telling you (and he told you, he didn’t ask) she’s staying six weeks and not too. The two of you have to sit down and work this out and if you can’t figure it out together, then a counselor is definitely an option.
You are not being unreasonable at all.
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