Angry and Upset- Not Sure How to Deal

This sucks Gaia :-( I’m sorry. It sounds like the issue you had a few weeks back has not really been resolved. That is, the problem of his being inconsiderate to you and not communicating.

I don’t blame you for feeling hurt and upset. I would be too, in your shoes.

I agree with Tammy that you should sit back for a bit and let him reach out. Could it be something is going on with him at work? Could he be having financial issues? You mention a side job, does he commonly work side jobs or does he have some pressing need for money now?

You say you’ve been dating a year, how often do you see each other? Are you both happy with the rate that the relationship is progressing? I only ask because you mentioned he started more or less blowing you off for your regular Weds dates (showing up hours late, or going to sleep as soon as he got home). I dunno, maybe he is dissatisfied with the relationship in some way and not articulating it.

Those are the questions that come to my mind when I read your post. I hope things work out.

The further info that you provided is helpful…it’s significant that it’s the 3rd time around for you two. Not to be harsh, but if it didn’t work out twice before, what are you expecting will happen now? Especially if you are not talking about the relationship, or being intentional about doing it differently this time around.

I totally agree that you should be spending more, not less, time together after a year. That’s a reasonable expectation. He should be trying to make that happen, not hindering it. Assuming, of course, that he wants the relationship to progress. Could it be that he does not want the relationship to go any further? Maybe he’s worried about expectations on your part? Especially since you asked him a few months ago how he felt, and he evaded the question. It sounds like he’s comfortable just hanging out once in awhile and not having things go anywhere.

I would be totally upset about the car too. He should have been concerned and checking in with you! I dunno, from what you’ve written I have the impression this guy wants to keep things at a certain level, and not go beyond that. Maybe it’s his “headspace” or whatever, but he is not acting like a man who wants a deepening relationship. Just my two cents from what I’ve read, not knowing the two of you or your history.

Not sure if this is helpful :-( Again, sorry you’re going through this!

I also should mention I basically follow the three strike rule or the third time’s the charm motto. That’s why I’ve given him a third chance. The first 2 times it basically felt like the timing was off. His divorce wasn’t finalized and I wasn’t going to be a rebound and felt uncomfortable because even though he was separated for a year he was still married. Then the second time around there was some legal stuff with his daughter so he really couldn’t focus on a relationship and was still healing from the divorce. I gave him space. I actually got lost and ran into him this third go round so I thought maybe the universe is telling us the time was right. Up until the last few weeks it’s been good. I just don’t understand it. Probably best I don’t have my car so I don’t go confront him hot headed. I know better.

Have either of you done the work (therapy/counseling) between the first time and this time?

I’m guessing the answer is NO.

You know better. Do better. You give amazing advice to other people on this forum, how about living it for yourself? Just a thought.

Wow mama I wasn’t being disingenuous at all. I’m sorry I didn’t condense it in the mist of venting.

I have had therapy for many years before being involved with him. He had therapy as well for himself and his daughter after his divorce. It was while we weren’t speaking or seeing each other. No we haven’t had therapy together and honestly didn’t think we needed it. Again it was going great for a year.

Maybe I needed the bluntness and thanks for the apology. I do try and live by the advice I give. If he was behaving this way in the beginning I would have walked away. But now I feel invested and I’ve grow close with his daughter so it’s not that easy.

I don’t think you’re nagging, calling, or texting too much. You’ve been quite restrained, in my opinion. In a relationship of a year’s duration, it’s not too much to expect a response to a text, or to want clarification about when you can see him (in reference to the Weds evening visits). But I do think there is something going on with him– whether he’s unsure about the relationship, or not wanting to take it any further– something is up with him. This may be his 3rd strike.

Can I ask your ages, and how long he’s been divorced? Was it a contentious divorce? Maybe he is not really looking for anything serious. There are divorced men like that. They enjoy a woman’s company, but don’t want expectations or deep commitment. You mention that you told him you expect marriage before you’ll live with him (if I understand that correctly?)– maybe he’s getting cold feet. Especially since you have talked to him about seeing each other more, and have started having more expectations of him, it seems like.

It sucks, I’m sorry. Hopefully he calls you today since you don’t have a car and you’re not able to make the Weds night visit. That’s the least he should do.

Yikes, divorced twice before 40? Not a good sign… (I’m assuming it was before 40 because you said he’s 42 & you’ve been dating a year, I assume he was divorced at least a year before you started dating this time around). Unless he’s had some therapy, or major self reflection, since his divorces.

I’m sorry. You do deserve better. It’s cowardly of him to behave this way.

Sounds to me like he has an insecure attachment style (my opinion, based on what you said about how he’s been with the exes and with you, is fearful avoidant). It’s fairly typical for relationships that break up and reconnect / reconcile to involve at least one partner with a fearful avoidant style. While he may have gone to therapy to pick up the pieces from the divorces, that doesn’t mean they were the right therapists for him to address his role in the relationships and how he shows up for commitment, or to help him become more secure in relationships. He could have felt better and less panicked about the breakups after therapy but not grown or changed.

When someone has an insecure attachment style, it can take a year or two to start having problems because the issues sometimes don’t come up until the relationship is getting serious ie the partner is becoming a permanent fixture in their lives. Then the person’s nervous system may get triggered into freaking out (not because of anything the partner has done, would happen with almost anyone they’re with). Stress, whether related or not, and any arguments can also cause this quiet freak out to happen, because the avoidant insecure attachment style person doesn’t have the tools to cope with stress or handle conflict in a healthy way and withdraws.

Anyway, I don’t think it’s that he’s never been into you enough. I think he has major commitment and relationship issues stemming from his life before he met you, and he’ll continue to have these problems with future partners. It sucks because things can seem really solid for long periods of time in these situations (I’ve experienced them before too), and then communication stalls and you’re left spinning and wondering what happened. If you decide it’s over, I think what’s happening is inevitable in situations with a fearful avoidant partner that hasn’t done their work yet. And you don’t know until you find out how they do under stress and if they move towards you or away (though how he ghosted the first time is a red flag about that). But it’s more complicated than him not being that into you, and it’s not that you did anything to bring it on. He’s got a pattern you can see now: he didn’t pay enough attention to his second wife so she left (though handled it badly through cheating). Then he didn’t have the mindspace for you your second time around, so you left. So, this is what he does, and what he actually needs therapy for.

It’s hard but better to find out if he can’t fully show up for a relationship before you move in together or legally commit. Hang in there.

Maddie- I think your assessment might be spot on. I’ve read about attachment styles for myself and did a few of those personal development things. I have a secure attachment style and according to my bestie I’m a very low maintenance gf. I have my own life, friends and hobbies so if I don’t hear from him for a couple days it normally doesn’t bother me. My bestie thinks that I’m weird because of it and thinks it makes it easier for people to take advantage of me or take me for granted.

I have paid attention and am seeing the recurring theme. It’s pretty much what you described. It breaks my heart and a part of me wishes I could do something about it but I don’t think there is anything I can do to change it.

Ewa- maybe but I don’t do hints or subtlety after a year. He should be man enough to say he is out.

At this point I’m still sad and angry but I’m coping with those emotions in healthy ways… going for walks, talking to my bestie, getting prepared for an event I have in Nov., etc.

I still haven’t heard from him since I called him out on the b.s. on Monday. I’m actually not even surprised that I didn’t get a text, call or anything when I didn’t show up last night.

Hi Gaia,
It sounds like you have invested a lot of time into your boyfriend. And so, I would take a good step back for a moment. I would be totally angered as well.
From a completely different perspective, on his end even though he doesn’t sound like he has money troubles. He is taking on more work, working late- to the point where he is exhausted.

You said you found him sleeping in his truck, or going straight to bed. I would say, that he is not really in the mindset to be there for you, because he is not taking care of himself either. He also doesn’t seem to recognize that there is a schedule that you see him every Wednesday and wants you to clue in that he has work as his number one priority. I’m not sure if that helps, but that is what I see from your story.

i still stand by what i said earlier. do not make a move to connect with him. you gave him two chances already. and now hes screwing the third one as well. i think he is going through some s**t and taking it out on you. you tried talking to him but he didnt entertain you. i think its important this time atleast that you stick to your ground. you have given enough chances and always let him in. this time if you want a chance to make this work, its important that he comes to you and tries to sort this mess. that would atleast show that hes putting efforts to make you stay. i know this would be hard for you but my suggestion is that this time you stay in your corner. let him make the effort to walk up to your corner. pls dont do his work. not this time. and if he doesn’t make any efforts to connect, than you know that by sticking to your corner you did right. you want a man who is ready to put in his bit of efforts to have you in his life. pls stay firm and do not initiate contact this time.

how was it between you two when you guys met?