ANM Email, The Inner World of Men Part 2

When a man tells you he is not interested in having a girlfriend or a long term relationship then you have to believe him. If you are young and all you are looking for is casual and you like the guy and don’t expect commitment then sure go out and have fun. But if you are older and ready to settle down and build a life together and wanting a long term relationship then you walk. There is really no point in wasting your time with a man who doesn’t have the same goals as you. Are there going to be times when you’re the exception and he realizes you’re the woman of his dreams and changes his mind? Sure. But I would bet in 98% of the cases the woman gets hurt if she hangs around wanting more and never gets it. All you have to do is hang out on this website a few days to see that.

My guy was a workaholic and driven and ambitious and he still is. But he knew he was ready to settle down and meet the right woman. He never told me up front that he didn’t want serious or a relationship. As a matter of a fact he told me he wanted marriage but his work had caused most of his relationships not to work because the women couldn’t deal with him being busy all the time.

So in the end he changed his life for me. Left a 25 year career and business to do something else so that he could be in town more and not working 100 hours a week and so we could build a life together. Why did he do that for me and not the other women he dated over the 17 years he was divorced? Well obviously because I’m amazing!! LOL But also because he ready. He wanted more and had come to realize money, success and a career may pay your bills but they don’t keep you want at night. I think timing is critical for a relationship. When a man is ready to settle down you know it. He’s not making excuses and telling you he doesn’t want a relationship. He’s doing everything he can to show you he wants you around and making time for you because you’re important.

Sure a guy can be ambitiousanf focused on his career…but if he wants you seriously, he wouldnt say something to turn u away. My bf also said he is a workaholic…but he adds that family will always come first..and also tht i will be his priority. Not crappy statements

Thanks guys!

So can what Eric said actually be true sometimes? Because I thought he was essentially describing placeholder girlfriends? Also, what do people typically mean by commitment? Sounds like marriage but I’ve used it to mean bf/gf.

Kaye-what happened in both of my cases were similar to what happened in your case (I think).

So my situation, I’m 24, I not looking to settle down anytime soon (still building my career and am young) but I do want to find the one. I do want commitment and for a guy to see a long term future with me. I don’t want to be a placeholder.

In both of my cases, the guys did not state those things upfront-it was after I asked what they were looking for (around date 3). The convos went like this:
1. Guy told me that he likes me a lot and so far sees potential for a relationship, but because they work so much (they were being honest), they can’t devote time to a serious relationship (they would give examples of seeing one another everyday, stuff like that) at that moment. I’m both cases, they really couldn’t-pretty much running on no sleep type deal. I actually am fine with just seeing them once a week, but commitment is what I want (didn’t tell them the commitment part).

2. I tell them it sounds like they want something casual and/or fwb. They said no they don’t want casual, they want a relationship it’s just hard for them to be serious right now.

3. Then I said (and frankly I was trying to get clarity at this point) casual was ok with me I was just wondering if that’s what they want and they insisted that it wasn’t, they didn’t want a fwb.

So I guess this is what confuses me, because two guys have said this to me now. Is what happened in my situations the same as what Eric is describing? I.e. I’m just a placeholder?

Also something that confuses is the phrase where the guy has to meet the right girl at the right time. Is it actually true that he could meet the right at the wrong time?

Sorry for all the questions! I just hear these kind of situations happen a lot and honestly it’s just frustrating to keep running into guys like this.

Ann 1 — both your scenarios sound like guys who will not commit to you. (For whatever reason. Theyre are busy, career-focused, etc) And no guy is going to tell a girl they think is high quality they only want a FWB or casual thing with you because they don’t want the girl they are squeezing into their busy schedules sleeping around. A lot of men attempt to get women into sexual exclusivity without doing the extra work of giving you a title, doing the checking in, and all around being a great boyfriend. But even if you are busy too, I don’t think that’s what you want! From what you wrote, it sounds like you want someone who is your BF. Who makes times to text you even if hes working a 15 hour day. Or allows himself to be emotional with you. Or integrates you, even if little by little, into his life.

Toss those fish back. Go out and get the relationship you want. It is solely your job to make sure that you do. Those men are not offering you what you seek.

**things a bf does execpt

It’s weird that I had 2 people say pretty much the exact things to me. Both had the same type of job too

Thanks!

Actually I do date older-> one was 29 the other 30.

I’ve dated 32/33 age range too, but I’ve found those types of guys wanted to have kids within the next 3 years and that’s way too soon. Can’t seem to win :/

So I re-read the comments and something is still sticking out to me- both these guys were not upfront about not wanting a relationship. Also they kept insisting that they did not want casual and they were dating me with the intentions of turning into a relationship (they said this directly, no way for me to misinterpret it). Their actions so far were backing it up, except the title and commitment (which I consider quite important though).

So since they were so direct about those things, were they playing me? So was I really just a placeholder for them?

Sorry again for all the questions, this email just really struck a nerve and I never got clarity on this issue.

Thanks, it helps but I’m still confused. You talked about how a guy won’t say he doesn’t want a relationship to someone he’s interested in-so these guys straight up and very clearly (i.e. no way for me to misinterpret what they were saying) that they did want a relationship, just not right then and now. And said this isn’t casual for them, they were seeing if we were compatible and waiting until their workload died down a bit. So were these two guys misleading me?

Honestly now it sounds like they fed me a bunch of lies. I’m Eric’s case, I thought he was clear I mean he never said anything along the lines of “dating for the relationship or that he wants something serious but is overwhelmed at the moment). But both of my guys did, so I feel like they are misleading me in case, right?

Sorry let me re-state what they said to me:

I’ll write the exact phrase the guy who didn’t try to sleep with me used (I continued to go on dates with him for awhile after until I was sure I wanted to walk): “I don’t want casual, Im interested in you and am dating you to see if we are compatible for a relationship. I’m still getting to know you, but so far I can see myself wanting to get into a serious relationship with you. The reason I can’t give that to you right now is because I’d still like to get to know you better before making such a decision and I am overwhelmed at work (he was being honest with this-his schedule and workload was terrible). My work gets better by {insert specific date}. I do want to continue seeing you, but I understand if this is not what you want. I do want to give you more but I’m barely keeping up with work right now”.

So misleading me, right?

Ann, you have to learn discernment, and understand men do not dissect words the way women do.

They are mostly “in the moment”. They are rarely thinking about long term when they first meet a woman, and you also need to realize that anything but a “hell yes” should be interpreted as a “no”.

Meaning, a guy who is ready and wants something exclusive and committed will NOT lead with a a line about being too busy with work (or whatever). Many of us have dated busy guys. A guy who ready, emotionally mature, open to, and desiring a relationship will make it happen.

Everything else is an excuse, even it the excuse sounds legitimate. We all prioritize that which is important to us. My ex owned his own business, had two kids, a house, and an aging mom he was taking care of. I never had to ask for his time, he gave it to me, because he wanted to be with me.

If he had said any of the examples you are throwing around, I would have said good luck and walked.

It’s very simple. If a guy gives any reasons he isn’t able to be in a relationship with you, it means he won’t be in a relationship with you. Except something casual and on his terms (if you agree to it).So figure out, and set your boundaries and keep your standards.

You have to weed out all the wrong guys (and there are more wrong than right), to find a good match.

State up front what your intention for dating is. Ask him his. If they don’t match, walk immediately.

Men want women to be sexually exclusive with them, but many want to keep their options open at the same time. Yes, double standard. But men are territorial, they don’t like to share. It has everything to do with THEIR EGO.

So stop trying to understand the excuses and just know as soon as you hear that stuff, you say goodbye. It’s that simple.

Oh-I also mean all of this very early on, such as under a month or 2.

If I heard any of these excuses after 2 it’s a super easy decision to walk.