ANM Email, The Inner World of Men Part 2

Thanks Newbie-

I actually asked that as well-they said they were interested in me.

I’m really confused though because, for example, what you just said seems to differ from what a lot of the other posters are saying (that these guys were not interested and I was right to not give it a chance). Am I not understating something?

The reason i was stating this that there is something weird in the convo you are describing. You state that the guy said: the reason i can give you that right now is that we are just getting to know each other and im busy. No guy volunteers to say that on date 3. So that tells me you were digging. But ask yourself this: if a guy had asked you, what would you have said?

Thank you!

I would have said the same thing that they did. I pictured myself with their job and I do believe they can’t devote much time to a relationship. I think I’m in the minority when it comes to serious relationships though-I really only care about the commitment part, I could care less about seeing or talking to them multiple times a week.

But most of the posters here are essentially saying niether were actually interested in me? Is that right?

Hi Ann1-good advice for you on here. Kaye is right on in my opinion. Of course,even if a guy wants a realionship,he will need time to see if it is with you. However,in general,from the start,if a man is giving reasons (work super busy, Granny half dead,going to be moving next tear etc.) then he likely does not want to get serious with you or anyone else. I have a great boyfriend-he lives in a different city,he has a few physical issues that make stairs etc.difficult and he has a demanding job. We talked about what we were looking for ,on the second date and he made it clear that he wanted a partner/long term relationship. So now every week ( when I don’t go there,which work keeps me from doing often) he drives for 90 min one way to see me,climbs a killer staircase,stays over as much as possible-getting up to drive homesometimes on work days, at 5 in the morning. My point is,if a guy wants you/a relationship,he will make every effort and then some to be with you. I waited a long time for a great guy like this-had many “tire kickers” leave me confused,sad and unsure what they wanted and why they treated me poorly. Sure enough they all had the myriad of reasons listed above in the posts why they could not be with me. SO,as said often on here-when a man wants you-you know it and never have to spend stress time wondering “what his deal is?” If he has excuses from the get-go-listen to that.

Thank you, I’m starting to understand I think.

So I guess that leads me to ask then: were these guys actually interested in me?

Something I keep hearing is that it needs to be the right woman at the right time-I honestly don’t think either should be dating, they were at critical turning point in their careers are should focus on work. But then again I also hear that if a guy genuinely likes you, he will make you a priority no matter. Which one is it?

I ask because while I wouldn’t wait around, if they were not genuinely interested in me I would want them in my life at all.

Please don’t be rigid or keen on your theory

Everyman is different… sometimes man see woman once or twice a week could already be a priority for them with other things going on.

Some man will forever be career focused like the executives who travel or work frequent. Some women don’t need too much company in a marriage either.

You really need to know yourself first before you know what the man can offer you.

Lighten up. Just go with Eric’s idea, which will get you on a good path.

Thank you.

I had my standards in place for awhile. In both these cases, gut says to believe them but I went with logic and I think that what most posters said to do anyway right? I’ve had guys who clearly only wanted casual and I had no issue seeing through any of the others, but I mean these guys were making excuses right?

But still I’m curious what people think regarding if they were actually interested. Just wondering if I’m gauging wrong.

I’m with Pop. Who knows if they want a relationship with you after 3 dates?

If you ask a man what he’s looking for, he often assumes you’re trying to have “the talk” if you do it wrong. All you need to know at that stage is does he theoretically want a relationship. Yes or no?

In Eric’s example, it’s a resounding no. In yours, it was a yes, possibly, it’s too early to tell.

If I’d asked my husband after 3 dates, I would have got the same response you did.

If a man says no he’s not interested in a relationship and you are, run! If he says he’d like to get to know you more and he has things going on in his life, why not just date him for a while, habe fun and see where it goes? As soon as you catch feelings or after a couple of months, find out where he’s at. If he’s not ready then, walk away.

I think you’re trying to get too many guarantees too early. How can he know if he wants a relationship with you? And that is what he’s going to think you’re asking.

I think people are being a bit rigid here. It’s different if someone says “I’d like a relationship but (xyz reason)” after a couple of months to someone saying it after 3 dates. The first one is an excuse. The second is perfectly reasonable.

Ok Ann, I give up. What more do you need!?

Absolutely! So they’re not the men for you.

Find one who is open to the idea of a relationship. Who thinks it could be possible in time. I think the ones you mentioned may have been open to the idea. Did they seem interested to you? Did they make an effort to get to know you and see you much in the time you knew them?

I may totally confuse you here, but look at actions as well as words. So how did they act towards you?

Thanks so much for helping!

So let’s say for guy 1: if I didn’t ask what his intentions were, I would have no doubt he was interested. All proper dates, 100% focused on me. He did everything right-other guys would have a tough time to out beat this one I felt like a queen. He didn’t come off strong at all though.

Guy 2: logically I wouldn’t think his interest was that high (he’s super go with the flow California type), but there was this feeling that he was into me, I don’t really know how to describe it. He’s a kind and a respectful guy in general, but way more so with me I noticed. He was a gentlemen, but if we went to dinner we would split (I think I read on another thread here that if a guy doesn’t pay always in the beginning his interest is low), he barely initiated texts (but would keep conversations going for a long time intimated) and dates were about once every 2 weeks. This one was the one who was barely keeping up with work-he would see me when he was on 2 hours sleep for example. The dates nice were, but he just seemd super tired. We stayed distant platonic friends and he’s asked me out casually twice, but I said no as I was busy.

Sorry I wrote a lot, it helps to analyze because I’ve not done so before.

Ann, I am not sure anymore, what is your question really :)

But:
1. If these man are sooo busy, how it comes they have time for dating?

2. Nobody in their right mind would tell you after 3 dates that you are the one (and if they do it, then they are crazy – not about you, but generally) sure, there are exceptions, but…

3. You wrote: “yea both guys initially thought I was asking for a relationship right then or sometime super soon. Then I told them that wasn’t the case and they understood what I was saying more. ” But you left them and that was it, right? So you didnt want a casual relationship or to have fun…. I dont really understand, what you wanted… a marriage proposal after 3 dates? and if they tell you, that they want to know you better, then you left them and you seem to be proud of it…

as somebody said, its too rigid and you are contradicting yourself constantly :)