Anxiety or poor behaviour

Angiebaby has a good point.

However I have a sister with severe anxiety. It’s a real thing. Things that seem silly to people without anxiety are very scary for her (for example having panic attacks driving on the highway– to give an example from my sister).

Your partner should figure out what’s bearable for her and what’s not. For example, if she suggested going to the theater then why didn’t she choose seats in the back where she wouldn’t feel so trapped? So while anxiety is real, it’s pretty much on the person suffering from it to know their limits. You couldn’t have possibly predicted that the choice of seat would trigger a panic attack. My sister knows that driving on the highway will trigger an attack — so she doesn’t drive on highways.

Your partner may also want to consult with their doctor about their medication, if it’s not working well she may need a higher dose or a different type of anxiety meds.

You shouldn’t personalize it. But it’s also difficult to date someone with severe anxiety, and frustrating. So I understand why you’re hurt. But you have to understand she didn’t do it on purpose. I myself couldn’t date someone that anxious (can’t fly, doesn’t like to leave the house)– it would put too many constructions on our life together.

Anglebaby – I really just wanted to know if my upset with her at least not trying to have me join her was justified. The fact that she can back in and watched the show seperate to me felt so much worse than her leaving before it started. I was a bit shocked tbh that she saw the show.

Liz Lemon – Thanks for your reply. yes I know it is an awful thing. But you are right as your sister does you need to take control. She keeps making big plans that she must know she can’t go through with. I should have left after the show and not dragged the evening out. Even going out for a meal is often avoided as it’s too much for her. But not always. She just doesn’t know if she will be able to so we don’t make plans to go out to eat, see a movie etc.

I think I agree with you it felt rude. She seemed surprised when i asked her why didn’t she come and grab me. I don’t think she thought of that at bit at all.

I understand P. But if you would step back and look objectively at your post history, this is what you do every time she does something that is out of line – you come here to get validation that you’re not unreasonable and it’s her not you. And then you go away again, with confirmation that you’re right and she’s wrong. Until the next time.

Yet you willingly choose to stay in what seems to be a very dysfunctional, dissatisfactory situation. From what I can recall, she’s got a lot of issues, she’s self-centered and she treats you poorly whenever she feels like it. And it’s never going to stop because you’ve been tolerating this for so long she knows you’re not going to leave and she’s not going to change. And BTW on the anxiety thing – medication can help control it but it will not ever solve the root cause of the condition, so if she isn’t doing anything else, some kind of therapy, to address the reasons she’s anxious that will definitely never change.

I’m gonna tell you straight up, from my POV… the problem at this stage isn’t her, it’s you. WHY do you stay with this woman?? You are getting some kind of payoff or you would have ditched her a long time ago. What is it? Or is the sex really that great??

You’re a year into this. Are you planning on doing this the rest of your life? Are you going to marry this person? Is this really the way you want to spend your precious time on earth?

I feel like someone needs to challenge you to think about these things, because you’re selling yourself short. Fine if you examine it and that’s what you want – but then maybe consider if it’s useful to post here because you’re really not looking for help or answers to move forward. It’s unfair the community to come here and complain over and over about things you have no intention of changing. It’s unhealthy. It feels like we’re enabling you to keep giving advice. If you don’t like what she’s doing, talk with HER about it. And work with her to resolve things or value yourself enough to walk away. Please.

I don’t mean to make you feel bad. I am in fact trying to do you some good. That’s all.

“She seemed surprised when i asked her why didn’t she come and grab me. I don’t think she thought of that at bit at all.”

That’s what I mean, I think this person is self centered and that’s a separate issue from the anxiety. You’re constantly focused on her comfort in the relationship, and she doesn’t seem to think of your feelings at all.

[post deleted]

Thanks @Maddie.

@Angie @Liz @Raven @Maddie You all have a point. I wrote in again because i wanted to check to see if in isolation this would be unacceptable. I do realise though that at the end of the day it’s what is unacceptable to me and my needs.

She has let me down so many times. I know she can be selfish, under functioning, she has lied to me, mislead me because she thought she wouldn’t have a chance otherwise. She has issues that she will say she is going to get some help for but makes excuses as to why it hasn’t happened. She has disclosed a drinking problem only recently that she hid from me. She told me that she knows from my history that I tend to stay (in a relationship ) no matter what. I found it a worry to think that she takes comfort in that. She is right, I stay no matter what until I am worn out only to then regret and think that maybe if I did things differently maybe if I tried harder etc.

A lot of the time this women makes me ridiculously happy. But the future that I have planned will not work with her due to her anxiety or issues. Due to my issues I stay.

I realise that I was dating to find an emotional home base. Someone that would love me no matter what. I think I fear being left, so I pick people that are less likely to leave. So I date down. I’m super independent and a happy in my own company, so I’m guessing this fear of being left is due to past trauma and not a worry about being alone. Though admittedly I can get lonely.

I’ve booked some sessions with a good clinical psychologist. I’m mapping out these sessions to address not what’s happening now but why I stay with people when I can clearly see glaring issues. Why I put others needs way ahead of my own. Why I will allow myself to be mistreated and find it hard to say so.

I guess I thought I was having relationship issues but in reality I’m guessing I’m a beacon for those that will take advantage of my uncertainty. I’m the issue, because I stay when my gut tells me to walk away.

Thank you xx

Good update! I hope the sessions help, and I think they will.

It was good to read this post through again and reflect on where i am with the situation. You all give very good advice.