any advice welcome…?

I’ve been there over and over, emotionally invested and all, and I know how hard it is. That’s why I laid it out the way I did. I always made excuses for both the guy and for why I’d stick around in situations that were basically dating on “hard” mode. I often advise date reality not potential, so I was summarizing all the different pieces you posted in one place. I’ve presented you with a lot of different actionable areas you can dig into to make the quality of your relationships better, whether this one or another one in the future. I wish someone had given me all this to think about 10 years before I finally started to figure it out myself. If things don’t work out with this guy, look back on this thread once you’ve had time to mourn and process and the feelings have faded out some. You’re getting better advice than you think from people here, not even talking about myself. Even if you don’t want to hear it. Being emotionally invested is no reason to sell yourself short, nor is it reason to excuse yourself from having agency over your own life. Trying to work through relationship incompatibility issues isn’t always the best choice when both people aren’t putting in the effort, but as you and I both agree, you’ll have an opportunity to learn no matter what happens.

If you want to work things out with him, you need to completely mutually rebuild a foundation of trust that doesn’t currently exist. This isn’t a minor conflict that I’m writing off as a headache just because I’m not attached. It’s a long road and you’re not even officially together in the first place. If you think it’s worth it, you’ll do what you do and it doesn’t matter what experience internet strangers share with you. I hope you find what you’re looking for.

Dear, you keep focusing on that one incident and you’re losing the bigger picture. He isn’t dating you because of your drunkness that night but he just doesn’t feel it. And cmon being new in a place and only hanging out with one person as much as he likes you it’s kind of sad. Friends are important part, and perhaps you could have included him in your social life going to events so he meets new people but you had to make everything about you in the end. I get it you like him or love him but sometimes you’ve got to put your ego aside and step into someone else’s shoes. You’ve trying hard to convince him to be together and you don’t listen as he’s trying to explain his side, is as if you want him to act in a specific way so you can feel better about yourself. And having better communication skills is not a factor to determine if you’re starting a relationship with someone. It takes two to tango so he isn’t dating you because you’re so great and he’s intimated. You could be really great and awesome but you have to respect that he doesn’t want to become exclusive, he tried multiple times to say this but your reaction says you want him all to yourself. Anxiety is a lot to deal with but perhaps you’re kind of possesive or obsessive and it isn’t healthy. Don’t want to be with someone who makes you feel like home? They say when you meet your soulmate you’ll know because you’ll feel at peace around them. Drop this relationship coach, you said you started it to learn and grow but read some more meaningful things to discover yourself. You paid a coach to get a guy back be honest with yourself. Time for some hard lessons but unless you are ready for a real change, it won’t happen.

let me put it this way.

if three weeks ago, he came up to me and said, “you know, i don’t think i like this enough to continue” i’d say bye bye.

but it’s coming after a very embarrassing week and i am feeling a lot of shame and guilt about my behavior. that’s a fair way to feel.

And yet you keep referring to you, “I did this”. Why does he need to tell you explicitly if his actions are showing that perhaps he’s done? You’ll need to chill no matter the outcome because now you don’t really know if he postponed the break up because he felt you couldn’t handle it at that particular moment or he feels guilty about not feeling it. If I were you, I’d end it first, forgive myself and find my peace of mind. Sometimes holding on to something hopeless is not smart but letting go gives you the opportunity to start again. You’re scared to leave him but in the meantime you’re going in circles, lose yourself, make bad decisions that aren’t in your interests and perhaps lose your mind overthinking. Stop thinking about him or you as a couple, what went wrong etc. Whatever happened, it happened. It’s just a guy after all yes, even an ex is just a guy. If you really stopped fixating and saw things objectively he isn’t satisfying your needs just shared some company till he figured his life out. Don’t settle please, breaking up has been my best decision honestly I’ve done the same, going drunk to my ex’s place when I knew he had invited friends over– -embarrassing and toxic but it didnt change the fact that he broke up with me because he was done. Didn’t do it right after this incident which means that he had the decency to tell me the truth about his feelings than blaming my behaviour. Of course, it doesn’t help your case if you’re so worried about your relationship with him than your integrity which you have compromised.

You’re getting some really great advice, but I get it. You’re not ready to hear it. The problem is you came here for advice and you aren’t always going to hear what you want. I am you. I’ve made excuses for men that put me on the back burner. I’ve blamed myself because I drunk dialed then after insisted that he had the wrong impression and didn’t want him to end what I thought was a great thing because of my drunken antics. But you know what? After a year and a half of trying to get this guy to see that I wasn’t that person and that he made an opinion of me without getting to know me and that he can’t base everything on one (a few) stupid mistake I realized that it wasn’t my job to change his opinion. It wasn’t my job to make him see that the mistakes I made were not the person I really am. I forgave him for his mistakes and saw the good in him but he just didn’t want to see me for me because he didn’t care to. If he wanted to be with me he wouldn’t hold stuff like that against me. He would be excited to know about me. He would be forgiving when I make mistakes. I know that’s hard to hear and it hurts, believe me. I had never felt that way about anyone before and I refused to see that he didn’t feel the same way. It’s not your fault for wanting to be with someone who doesn’t feel the same way. This isn’t about going over to his house that night. You need to stop punishing yourself for that. I get that you feel shame but you apologized and you acknowledged that you made a mistake. If he’s going to use that as an excuse to not be with you then that’s not someone you want to be with anyways because everyone makes mistakes. But you know that’s not the reason. He knew your birthday was important to you. He could have tried to make accommodations. He could have tried to fit you in his apparently very busy schedule. The guy I was hung up on for way too long once told me when we were “just friends” (because I still thought I could make him see I was perfect for him) that if a guy really wants to be with you he will do whatever it takes to be with you. If he wants to be with you, you’ll know. You won’t have doubts or questions. He’ll make sure you know he’s interested. I understand why you don’t want to hear this. It’s the same reason why I didn’t want my friends saying the guy I loved was an a-hole or that I could do better. I loved him and he was a great guy and not an a-hole (their job as my friends is to say he’s an a-hole because they thought it would make me feel better. It only made me feel worse). If he was so great then how could I possibly do any better. But he just wasn’t the guy for me. And I wasted so much time and so many tears trying to understand that. You can wait and give him time to think and maybe he will come back and say he’s ready. But there’s a good chance he might not and we just want you to be prepared. You deserve to be someone’s first choice. And I just don’t want you holding on to false hope only to have your heartbroken because that sucks.