Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Are My Expectations Too High?
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Anderson.
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Elizabeth
My best friend is a man. We got close, I fell in love, told him, although he cares about me a lot, he couldn’t return that to me. We had a physical relationship and were emotionally bonded at first before becoming great friends, and for personal reasons, we can’t be together. I tried walking out of the friendship due to the feelings being too high, but he insisted we remain friends. We still talk a lot, but I still expect the constant contact that we had in the beginning. I know it always fades, regardless, when people become more comfortable, but I seem to always need to hear his voice. I want to know what others think I should have as expectations? We’ve talked about it, he’s said he will be a better friend, make more time for me, he understands, but if that day goes by that I don’t I want to start a meltdown. Which isn’t cool of course, but I want to know what to do? What expectations should I lower now that we know we can’t be in a relationship? I always feel so let down and pay to much attention to his lack of communication or actions. I want to stop and enjoy our friendship, I just don’t know how!! I want to blame him, for giving me the constant attention in the beginning, but I know it isn’t right.
Gaia
You can’t. You need to disconnect from this person completely. Maybe eventually you can have a friendship but right now you have feelings that are unrequited. It will hurt you continuously that he won’t live up to your expectations and how much will it hurt you when he has a relationship with someone else. Please don’t do that to yourself. You deserve to be loved back.
Maddie
It sounds like you need to treat this as a break up for yourself. While I understand he’s your best friend, you need to mourn and move past the romantic expectation if you truly want a real friendship with him. Continuing to have a hidden agenda to eventually be together totally undermines any real friendship, will eventually make him feel like he can’t trust you because you don’t respect what he wants, and will drive you crazy both from being close but not close enough and making you feel bad when he starts dating someone else.
I have a close friend who many years ago wanted to be more. We never hooked up but we spent a ton of time together before he told me, he was my closest male friend at the time. I didn’t feel the same way, told him, and then we didn’t talk at all for a few months so he had space to get over it. Happy ending all around: when we started hanging out again, the friendship picked right back up, he met someone else whom he later married, and all of us are still friends (she even knows he once had a crush on me before they met but that I’ve never been a threat).
If you’re such close friends, taking a friendship break shouldn’t damage anything as long as he knows why you are taking space and you’re both committed to staying friends. He should also respect you and your boundaries by letting you have that space, or he’s selfish and not worth sticking around for as a friend anyway! But if you try to stay friends when you really want more then yes, your expectations are way too high and you’re wasting your own time. You’ve tried it this way and are still hurting, so it’s time to try something else and he needs to deal with giving you space and not putting his own needs (enjoying the friendship perks he gets in spite of your current feelings) ahead of yours.
Newbie
If you peel off all that is wishfull thinking and hope on your part, then tell yourself what you are getting out of this?
I dont see it. Because he insisted you would be friends but he cant even Maintain the level of friendship you want. And what will you feel on the day he tells you he has a gf. I of course dont know the level of friendship you two have but i have doubts about guys who insist on being friends when they know has feelings and is better off left alone for a while. You know for sure but i am inclined to think they are selfserving.
So i think its time to part ways unless you can handle being the sidekickT from NY
Men who know you have feelings for them, and don’t gracefully concede to let you go, aren’t very good friends. Further, if they notice your feelings of unrequited ardor are escalating or not fading – a dear friend who loves you would insist on some space apart. And after all – this really isn’t about having expectations for him, is it?
What are your expectations for you? To be happy? To give space for releasing longing? To be peaceful? To find someone who values all you have to offer romantically?
Pain begets pain if you just stay put
Extricate yourself. Love you more than any man and don’t let any person ever be more valuable than your peace.Anderson
Some very good responses above that I agree with
“I still expect the constant contact that we had in the beginning.”
I know this feeling. Years ago I too had a friend I got very close with but things couldnt happen. She wanted a christian partner. I was happily agnostic. And while I was fine with her beliefs, I could never feign converting for someone. It would be an insult not only to her religion but to my integrity, as well as our relationship
But she wanted to maintain the friendship still. Bad at letting go. Normally, I can communicate or hangout with anyone with low expectations. But with her I couldnt “downgrade” from what we had, which was very special. We also did a fun personality test one time, and her result said that she struggled to let go of unhealthy relationships. I remembering taking that seriously. That even though she wanted to hold on to us, maybe she didnt know what was good for her. That gave me even more reason to part ways. And that was that
It pained her, for a long time. And if her checking my linkedin profile every few months to this day is any indication, she still thinks about me. But she respected my decision. And it made me respect her all more for not trying to hold onto me selfishly
So as you can see. I didnt lower my expectations, because I couldnt. And there is nothing wrong with that
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