Are Relationships Constant Work??

Is this relationship with this guy constant work or do you have other relationships that are hard work as well? With friends, family members, or work? I’m asking because sometimes there are easy-going people and not as easy-going people.

I do not believe a relationship should be that hard, it’s supposed to be a place where you build each other up and comfort each other in the “hard” world we live in. The relationship you are in shouldn’t be a constant effort. However, as you continue with a relationship, you do have to put some effort in to keep it going, but at the beginnings of a relationship- it really shouldn’t be that challenging.

Hmmm, constant work is different from good conflict resolution skills that you use every now and then. And for me, it would not be ok to have totally senate lives. I don’t need everything to be together, but no integration means I have a suitable companion, not a partner.

I can’t tell if you have unreasonable expectations are you are fundamentally incompatible. Star signs have nothing to do with it.

Relationships should be about 15% work. And no one will make you happy all the time… so if there is a capability choice want and staying to communicate, repair and forgive … it sounds pretty decent.

I guess my fears kicked into gear when he asked when do I think I’d be ready to live together. Every challenging thing about our relationship just came to mind. He’s SUPER clean, super specific about what he likes and don’t, I’m not. Essentially we’re two completely different people who happen to share the same views on a number of things. We both generally don’t like conflict so the thought of us possibly fighting over trivial things makes me slightly anxious. Another big aspect of us moving together would be me being completely dependent on him. We live in different cities so I would have to open new offices in his town which would obviously take a bit of time. A year into our relationship we had agreed that we would buy our first home close to my home because it also happens to be close to his family, but his work has done much better than we anticipated so he’s now wanting to start life in his city. I’m now worried that the constant effort, our different personalities, coupled with me being dependent on him might be a recipe for disaster.

He is very specific which means he likes to plan things out. He’s asking for details about when you’d move in together,etc. It doesn’t sound like the relationship is really fun, but maybe I’m wrong. Relationships are more than checking the boxes of what you agree or disagree on, it’s really loving someone for who they are, not trying to change them, so you really shouldn’t be arguing or disagreeing on things all the time. Who is starting the little fights- you or him? Is it worth the time and effort to fight over little things or could you just let them go? I just don’t care about the little things that much in a relationship to take time to argue over them in the time we are together.

I actually chuckled while reading because we in actual fact don’t have much fun together. We spend ltime together but we seldom do anything FUN. He sets up romantic dinners and that’s just about all the fun we have. Whenever I set up a hike or something adventurous, he’ll say he’s not really into it. I never want it to seem as though I’m forcing him to participate in activities he has no desire to. Sometimes it feels like we’ve both chosen to settle on each other because we don’t rock each other’s boats. It’s “easy.” The other day I said to him that whenever he apologizes for something, it never feels sincere. It usually feels like he just doesn’t want to deal with a fight. In as much as I too avoid unnecessary conflict with him, should it happen, I’m always happy to address the issue head on. I never want to shy away from it. I guess I have a deeply suppressed fear that I might have to let go of someone who’s truly amazing based on the very incompatibility we were so determined to “prove wrong” The prospect of a break up makes me extremely sad because I know we love each other deeply.

I don’t think you should place to much emphasis on your star signs. For example some people say this person behaves a certain way because he or she is a Leo. The way a person behaves has got nothing to do with their star sign. It’s just them.

Every relationship needs work and goes through good times and rough times. Not every day will be smooth sailing. You choose a life partner because you want to share everything with them through the good and the bad stuff.

It doesn’t really matter if you have little differences like if he’s tidy and you’re messy. Each person brings something different to the relationship.

I don’t think there’s any amount of effort or work that makes a relationship valid or invalid. It comes down purely to how you feel. If you feel it’s too much work then it’s too much. If you’re willing to do that much work then you’re willing to do it. There’s no set rule. Each relationship is different.

“I guess I have a deeply suppressed fear that I might have to let go of someone who’s truly amazing based on the very incompatibility we were so determined to “prove wrong”.

You sound like a thoughtful person. I think you know that fear, and wanting to prove a point, are not reasons to stay in an unfulfilling, incompatible relationship.

Have you ever looked into your attachment styles? The times my romantic relationships felt like work, it was because one or both sides had insecure attachment issues. That’s a big factor in compatibility because it impacts how you respond to conflict, so conflict resolution with each other, communicate, influences if there’s healthy boundaries… pretty much all the fundamentally important stuff. I’d argue attachment style is the biggest factor! I’ve seen relationships that were hard get easier if the people involved who had insecure attachment problems chose to work on *themselves,* as that’s where the core problems affecting compatibility actually were. Then things improved and got negotiated or solved.

My boyfriend and I now are both secure attachers and it’s so easy. Sure, we have lots in common and have similar lifestyle goals too, but the reason it’s so easy is simply because we are extremely forthright, open, and honest in communicating with each other, so we can talk through and work around our differences. Be on the same team.

So first, you need to get your communication and conflict resolution in order. Because it sounds like you’ve kept a lot of your fears bottled up and he may not even know you have them. A therapy appointment is a good start, but go in with an attitude of curiosity, not one of you’ve already made up your mind and are just looking for an arbitrator to help moderate the conversation.

Then, you’ve got to put some effort and priority into having fun, even if you’re taking more initiative to do the planning than you have been. Reserving fun time with each other can be work that’s part of any relationship, because you do need to put effort into coming up with ideas to keep things fresh and explore together, but actually hanging out shouldn’t feel like work.

This may very well be salvageable, but you need to talk through it and see if you can mutually come up with solutions about how you want your relationship to look to know. Honestly, making sure you’re both deep down on the same page about values and looking-term goal stuff (like, which area you each want to live in, not just one or both of you people-pleasing to avoid a fight). I wouldn’t move in just yet until you tackle some of this stuff, you’re absolutely right to be concerned about next steps. But I wouldn’t throw in the towel just yet without confronting and looking into some of this stuff instead of defaulting to not rocking the boat until the lack of communication leads to things just falling apart. The worst that can happen if you talk about it is you decide you don’t actually want the same things and you break up, which of course sucks but is also something you’re already thinking about anyway.

Oh my gosh Maddie, I think what you’ve mentioned almost nails our issues. I wouldn’t quite say I have attachment issues, I definitely have a full life outside of this relationship but having a partner whom I only see once or twice a month definitely heightens my desire to atleast speak on the phone regularly. My primary love language is physical touch. The distance obviously makes that extremely challenging so it makes me slightly sad when we can’t make up for it with other stuff. For example him not jumping at the chance to do fun activities whenever we are together is frustrating. Sure he’s always open to lunch or dinner somewhere cute and romantic, but can we do other stuff!?!? Stuff that might actually contribute to the growth and strengthening of our bond? What’s more frustrating is he knows what I like, he’ll say something like “there’s an art exhibition tomorrow at that gallery you like visiting” but he won’t make the effort to get the tickets. (He’s very financially stable so that can’t be an excuse)
I would love for this relationship to work just not at the expense of my true self. Also I’ve found whenever I compromise one thing, he gets a little TOO comfortable. The best way to describe it is I feel like we’ve been married for 60 years. We’re in love with no sparks flying.

Thank you Liz.
We didn’t start off long distance. The first year we were together we would see each other just about every weekend. We lived an hr apart so it kinda made the transition to LDR easier. I honestly don’t think it’s an issue of not knowing each other, if anything, maybe we’ve gotten to know each other TOO well so now we’re just comfortable (read he’s comfortable)
I don’t mind that we see each other twice, three times a month. I don’t because we’re both extremely busy people with our own businesses so it kinda makes sense. I imagine being with someone who’s not as busy would maybe be a challenge coz they might not understand how time consuming running a business can be. So whenever he has to reschedule plans we’d made, I completely get it and I don’t get upset. (Hope this is the same as your snowstorm scenario.) Maybe my new question should be “Can people work on compatibility?” Is it possible?

The point of the snowstorm story was about how you deal with the petty inconveniences of life as a couple. (And the major ones too). I see your point, I’m not a business owner but I get that you can be understanding & flexible with each other when needed. That’s great.

I guess I would just find it hard to feel I really knew someone I only saw a couple times a month. Fancy dinners & art galleries are fun, and I love doing those with my bf, but I also value stuff like cleaning the house together, grocery shopping, shoveling snow etc. Because that builds your relationship also. It shows how you work as a team.

I digress though! I agree with you that it seems basic compatibility is an issue for you two. Whether you can work past that, I don’t know.