Are Relationships Constant Work??

*boys lol not buys

I brought up the attachment stuff because often not wanting to “rock the boat” means people are suppressing communicating needs out of fear. So on some level, it still sounds to me like you both letting things go on like this without dealing with it with direct conversation between the two of you has created distance in itself. I’m sure if you’re feeling things are hard, he is too. And if he’s not and this is actually fine with him and how he wants his relationship to be, then you’re both so off each other’s pages that incompatibilities probably do run too deep!

But it’s difficult to sit on all this and still feel close, and like time together is fun with all these loaded and unexpressed feelings and concerns looming in the background. So I think that’s why you’re feeling like it may be hopeless more than you would sorting together through the actual incompatibilities themselves. If you’re not mutually communicating effectively and you’re not having fun together, then of course you’ll grow apart.

I actually do also own a business, and you are right that you’ll need a partner who can be open and flexible and de-personalize it if something comes up and you need to work. That being said, it’s important to still be mindful of carving out time together and rescheduling when that happens. Two business owners together can be really difficult, if the hours are all over the place and free time may not match up. Then you both need to be putting in effort for the relationship too, which it sounds like he’s not really doing as much as works for you. I also brought up attachment because sometimes if people are burying themselves in work, it’s to avoid intimacy. And the question I have based on your description is, does he take you for granted because he wants to focus on his business and not a relationship, and actually wants someone with few “needs” so he can feel he has companionship and intimacy without actually being present? Or is it really that he’s a homebody who is cool with going to work, having dinner, and that’s it, that’s how he envisions how he wants his life? If he is avoiding intimacy, he can become aware of this and work on it and it can improve… but only if HE is truly motivated to work on it for himself (not “for you”). If it’s that he’s a homebody and that’s who he is, that’s not going to change nor should it. And in that case, you may have been in this relationship long enough to have learned it’s just not quite the right fit for you and it’s a real dealbreaker incompatibility, and that’s okay. You can love each other, but separate with love and respect too if it just doesn’t work.

I’m very social and my boyfriend is far more introverted. He takes less initiative in planning our “fun” time (he’ll have an idea and basically will say, add it to the date list!, and then if I want to do his idea I still need to initiate it as a plan). But he’s also totally up for pretty much anything I throw at him, even if it’s absurd or ridiculous. I’m more creative than he is, and I will try not to plan something I think he’ll hate, but if it’s something brand new to him he sees it as an adventure to learn from of sorts, and that works really well for me. Though taking him out to socialize is tough because he’s so quiet around people he doesn’t know and groups. But as long as he’s not having a bad time (which he’s not, he’s just listening instead of talking), it’s just fine. So it’s possible for people with different levels of sociability to end up having a compatible dynamic, but it still depends.

I personally wouldn’t do well with someone who really enjoyed staying in their comfort zone as a homebody or was naturally low energy. And there’s nothing wrong with someone being that way, it’s just not compatible for me. That’s a compatibility issue I don’t believe you can work on because people aren’t going to deeply change for each other nor should they. But you can work through communication, intimacy, and more superficial incompatibilities that are lifestyle preferences rather than requirements, if both people are willing and committed to doing so.