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Better off single.
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V
My boyfriend tells me that he wants me to be honest about how I’m feeling and what he does that bothers me, but then every time I try we end up arguing. It’ll go from ‘babe I feel like… blah blah blah’ to him turning whatever it is around on me somehow and I don’t know what to do. Does anyone have any tips or advice that could help?
Lane
Need to pick your battles very carefully! Do not express displeasure unless its happening in that moment and it’s gotten beyond annoying to the point it’s having a very negative impact on your overall relationship, not just a rare one off kind of thing. Unless it’s something you’re seriously considering ending the relationship over then it’s best to say nothing at all and just accept them him as he is, or not accept them and find a better match.
If he tries to turn it around then clearly state “this is having a very negative impact on our relationship, if you don’t want to address this issue and find a solution then I’m not sure this relationship is going to work for us.” If he’s not interested in addressing issues or problem solving then you’re going to Have a super difficult relationship.
What issues do you have with him? How do you express them? How does he turn it around? A couple of examples would help.
V
Thank you so much for your advice! But I told him I felt like he stopped really trying to do his part in the relationship and that I was really upset about how he had been behaving and he, rather than just talking about why I felt this way and how we could make it better, proceeded to list off things that I had done wrong in the past that we had already talked about and that I’ve already fixed. I simply said “I don’t feel like you want this to work as much as you used to and if not that’s okay, but just let me know so I don’t feel this way.”
Lane
Here’s your problem. You are trying to mold him into being someone *you* want him to be, and not accepting them as the person he truly is.
You cannot force people to change nor adapt to you. If they aren’t meeting your needs then you are a mismatch, not compatible in the way a couple needs to be to make it over the long-haul. This is what dating and relationships are truly about—finding the *right person* to be in a relationship with because you mesh in majority of the ways you need to mesh that causes the least stress, arguments and disharmony because you both FULLY ACCEPT each other for who they are, at their core, not what you wish, hope or want them to be—that is a recipe for relationship failure and major unhappiness.
Additionally, you are seeking external happiness. Happiness ultimately comes from within, because you have an awesome life whether a man is in it or not. You are just as happy single than you are in a relationship because your not looking or seeking happiness from others (externally) as that is a huge burden and cross to place on another’s shoulders.
My BF of almost three years makes me happy because he is an overall happy person. He relies on his internal happiness from multiple sources, such as his work, friendships, family, hobbies, etc. By seeking it from multiple sources he is able to achieve internal happiness and it exudes into our relationship which makes for a very easy, stress free, and harmonious relationship. He is not perfect, but he’s perfect for me because he doesn’t feel compelled to change, fix or change me, accepts me for who I am, warts and all, and that’s the ultimate goal you want to achieve in a relationship, whether its romantic or non-romantic.
Newbie
From what you are saying i get that you are in general feeling he is not putting much effort in the relationship anymore.
This can either be: you having too high expectations and expecting him to be your beck and call and wanting to be happy through him or;
Youre picking on his feeling he actually is losing interest. I would back off for now and think what option it is.
I argued with my partner about several issues in the first year partly because we had to feel each other out and partly because i wanted to control the relationship. I had read too many self help crap and thought i had to mold us like adviced. Big mistake. It was only when i saw us as two individuals wanting to be together on our own terms that i could let go the wish to control (that was subconscious and partly out of fear getting hurt). It turned out extremely easy to do. I dont think we argue anymore except about politics.
If you love each other you accept and respect the other person, have each others back and the rest will unfold itselfBetter off single
You could just placate him telling him how great he is because that’s what he wants to hear or get a new boyfriend.
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