Home › Forums › Did He Lose Interest? › asked for space.. is it too late?
- This topic has 9 replies and was last updated 5 years, 1 month ago by
Sensy.
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Ann
Me and my boyfriend have known each other for a little over 2 years now. The first year was hard, a lot of drama, rumors, people getting in between us, it was an on and off thing. When we finally decided to be exclusive nothing really changed but we started to get to know each other more and spent more time together. After 6 months, he decided to make it official. He is 25 and this is his first relationship ever. I’m 23, and my previous relationship was very toxic. So toxic that it made me very insecure and untrustworthy. I kept throwing tantrums, fighting for no reason, always doubting him. He always forgave me and took me back right away only because I promised I would change. I guess I never realized how big of a problem it was and how much I was pushing him away, so I didn’t stop. This last time, he got really upset and told me he was done but the next day I tried apologizing and asked him to give me one last chance and he said okay. He became really distant and our conversations were really short he also said he didn’t think it was a good idea to see each other yet since he was so upset. The first week he did make it clear that he didn’t want to break up he just needed time to get over what happened. But after him telling his family and all his friends what I did he became even more distant and even said he doesn’t know what he wants anymore and that he needs space. I became very anxious and I haven’t given him the space he asked for. I’ve been questioning him a lot, pressuring him to tell me what will happen, and even arguing. Last night it got out of hand where I didn’t stop calling and insisting and he told me to stop being desperate that now he feels like not even seeing me anymore to talk.. I know I messed up and I shouldn’t had done that because now I feel like I annoyed him and finished pushing him away. I know he loves me and I love him a lot too. I believe I can change and we can save this relationship, but is it too late to give him the space he asked for?
Khadija
Instead of worrying about him you need to focus on yourself.
The behaviors you mentioned are very unhealthy and counter productive to a health relationship.
At 23 you are very young and may not be ready for a serious relationship.
What exactly are you doing to work on yourself because promises without actions mean nothing. You will be doomed to repeat this cycle.I would highly suggest you go see a therapist to work on your issues.
This relationship may not work out but, it would be a shame to meet someone else in the future and do the same things you are doing now.
Stop calling and texting this man and let him have some space.
K
I’m going to be really straight with you – you aren’t done doing this behavior. Not by a long shot. Even if he takes you back one more time, which he may or may not, within a short time you’re going to be anxious about something else and you’ll go overboard again. There’s an underlying cause you have to address – you’re extremely insecure for some reason. Because if this were a logical issue, you would have already backed off. You literally can’t help yourself.
Put yourself in his shoes. You’ve bugged him to the max. Ever had someone do that to you? It’s really annoying. A good start would be to just leave him alone for at least a week even if it means you have to give someone else your phone.
Khadija is right – your best bet is therapy. Let him go and focus on yourself for a while. This isn’t about saving a relationship. It’s about saving you.
Ann
Yes, I forgot to mention I already went back to therapy!
Newbie
You didnt juss mess up. You recreated your first toxic relationship in the second one. So first you need to acknowledge your behaviour in both relationships. You played a part in the first one as well. If he asked for space and you didnt give him any and did the exact opposite in pressuring and bugging to last night then i dont see how you can change any time soon. You need to work on yourself.
Honestly i think it would be better to break up so you can take your time to become a better and more secure and less argumentative person of yourself. You know the saying you have to love yourself first to be able to love someone else exists for a good reason. Now all you bring to the table is anxiety, stress and useless arguments. I cant imagine you want to stay that person but it really needs work and not a halfhearted apology you will change. Alcoholics and cheaters promise that too but rarely stick with it. Im sure you can change, but it requires knowledge about yourself and willingness to own up to your own faults. Take careNewbie
Also, and this will sound harsh but i dont think someone will ever tell this straight into your face so im saying it with good intentions. You sound like you have a narcissist personality in the sense that you manage to make anything about you. You fight on your terms, make up when you feel like it, and expect your man to stay on the rollercoaster you created. Every sane person at some point will have enough and give up. I hope this makes sense to you and you can profit from it
Lane
What Newbie said!
This is a YOU PROBLEM and until you fix yourself no self-respecting man on the face of this earth is going to tolerate being with a toxic person for long. *You* are the underlying denominator here and until you get some serious help, to fix yourself, you will be regurgitating the same old dysfunctional and toxic cycle with the next man—wash, rinse, repeat.
I actually feel sorry that this was his first relationship, not a good first for such a young man to deal with, and hope he’s not too damaged by this experience.
Better off single
Put yourself in his shoes. You’ve bugged him to the max. Ever had someone do that to you? It’s really annoying. A good start would be to just leave him alone.
What does giving him space mean you? How do you interpret it? Checking in on him periodically, waiting for him to reach out to you, or just going your separate ways with no contact and no expectations of sparking anything between you two again?
Givee him what he wants! make time for yourself and make yourself a priority.
Sensy
It’s not surprising that bad behaviors currently exists due to the toxic relationship that you had previously. If it were me I would tell him that you realize you need to be by yourself (maybe a year but don’t give a timeline.. just take the time that you need to get balance… realistically though I would say a year) to find your balance and that would give you a chance forever relationship with him in the future.
Sensy
*for a
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