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P.
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P
Hi,
I went on my 4th date with a woman recently (I’m new to dating women) It was an odd evening. I think I should have opted for the let’s get together the next day option. She was making dinner for a close female friend and ask me to join them, I thought that it would be good to see how she was around her friends as we met online so I said yes.
She was really stressed that day making dinner, etc I turned up and she was just as excited to see me as I was her. Her friend turned up 20 mins later and the mood shifted a little. The friend was great was very good at including me, asking questions making eye contact we got on well. It was obvious she had heard all about me and that It let me know I was special to the women that I’m dating.
But I noticed that the women that I’m dating stopped making eye contact with me, became awkward around me more so than usual, cut me off in conversation, It was like I became the odd girl out in the group of three, something that I have had a history with and it made me feel a bit uncomfortable. I felt like going home but didn’t want to make an issue as the plan was for the friend to leave and then my date and I would have some time alone.
When the friend left, my date I was tired and I understood that but she didn’t seem to be warm towards me either. We did end up talking about it and she said that she is sorry that she knows that I have driven all the way out to see her but she is exhausted by the lead up to dinner and she has no energy for me at all right now. It was around ten-thirty. She looked tired.
I felt really disappointed and the way he told me that she had no energy left for me right now was a very matter a fact. It felt like a big wall was up and I was back to square one not knowing how to engage with her at all. I ended up driving back home.
I’m not really feeling the chemistry with her, but I wanted to get to know her more as in other areas we are a very good match. She was super excited after last week’s date, all during the week. I don’t know if I’m being too sensitive or she was rude and I should walk. She talked about next week’s date earlier in the night but to be honest, by the end of the night I felt very confused and rejected and not sure why I was there. I feel ok to let this go but I’m not sure if I’m being way too sensitive.
I do wonder if she has feelings for the straight friend that is why I felt the shift. Any thoughts?
Tallspicy
That is a lot of overanalysis. And a somewhat selfish interpretation. She made you dinner, dinner parties take effort and focus. Where is your gratitude?
And you are hyper sensitive to being included. When you feel unincluded, do you pull back and get quiet? Well maybe you are creating your feeling of discomfort by expecting others to make you feel welcome. Do you show up as you want to regardless of those around you?
I don’t know why you felt a shift. If this was the first time you felt disconnected from her, go on one more date. If she is cold often, that is not a good match for you most likely. Or if she creates drama every time she plans something (dinner for a friend should not create so much energy). If your feelings are not growing, just end it and say you are not a match.
Over time decide what you need to have in a relationship.
p
Thanks @tallspicy
You are right I am over sensitive to bring included.. it’s something that I was aware of but yes I tend to go a bit quieter.
I now think it was a bit of a disaster as I wasn’t as happy. She just really felt like she was somewhere else and I guess I felt a bit hurt. I’m a bit annoyed with myself to be honest. But I did thank her for the dinner it’s was very kind of her to share the meal with one of her closest friends.
Maybe my struggle being close to people will trip me up in dating every time.
P
She just sent me a text telling me that she needs space and would prefer to be friends.
She was way over invested from the first date and i was wary of this and so was cautious and tried to take it slow. I’m
Both relieved but sad. 4 dates and I still didn’t have the urge to kiss her though. I don’t know why ?Liz Lemon
I remember you posted about this woman before. You said she was way over-invested and enthusiastic from the beginning, and you were much more cautious. So right from the beginning you had doubts and were probably not a good match. You mentioned not feeling desire to kiss her.
I wouldn’t worry about this or overthink it too much. The connection obviously wasn’t there for either one of you. That’s what dating is for– to find someone that you have a strong connection with. She wasn’t the one. When you click with someone you don’t have these kinds of doubts, and you do feel physical desire for them. I would say not feeling any desire at all to kiss her after 4 dates means there’s little to no possibility of romantic potential– you should at least feel the desire to kiss someone after 4 dates, in my opinion, if it’s going to be a romantic/sexual relationship.
Just keep dating and try not to overthink. You will have disappointments and failures in dating, we all have. You just have to keep trying and not let it get you down when things don’t work out with someone.
P
@Liz Lemon
Thank you, you are right.
The annoying thing about myself I knew as soon as I saw her on the first date that I didn’t feel it, I definitely knew after the first and during the second but because she was so vocally keen I didn’t voice it I kept trying. I seem to go along with what the other person wants. I don’t know why and this puts me off meeting people as I fear I will get trapped into something easily that I’m not 100% with. Any advice?
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