Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Back in touch with ex- need closure
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Lane.
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Need Help
I had a really messy break-up with an ex 5 years ago. The relationship was also very dysfunctional (hindsight) and messed me up for years with mental and physical consequences (can’t have kids anymore because of an STD) and there was a lot unresolved. I am since married and so is he. I reached out to him a few months ago, because a good friend of ours passed away and with Corona, you have a different view of life and relationships. It started off fine with him apologizing for how he treated me, even if I had a lot of unresolved feelings, but then he told me that his wife was pregnant. I lost it, especially since my husband and I got a diagnosis that having kids naturally would be near impossible because of the STD he gave me when my ex cheated on me. I really want to send a letter for my own personal closure to let him know how everything effected me over the years, cause while he’s sorry, I don’t think he has the whole picture of what he did. It’s been a weight I’ve been carrying around for years. I already wrote the letter, but should I actually sent it?
mama
No. Find a therapist, read it to them and ask them what to do. This is not about dating.
I’m so sorry for your pain and heartbreak. I hope you find peace but when you do find it, it will not be relative to him.
Much love and healing to you my friend. <3
Ss
What would be the purpose? What would sending a letter achieve? What outcome do you want?
He can’t change what he did and the impact that this has had on your fertility. Nothing can change. I get why you are so hurt and angry but all you will get by sending this letter is either no response or him giving you an inadequate apology.
Save your energy and leave the situation alone. There is nothing to be gained by sending a letter
Raven
Sorry ‘Need Help’ I feel your angst…
Too bad you didn’t say something right then…
Please do not send the letter.This is another case of 20/20 hindsight… & another reason not to reach out ever again to someone who hurt you, no matter what the reason…
I hope you find the healing you need…
Sally
I so feel for you because I have the same issue with getting pregnant. For some reason my husband and I have not been able to have kids. I got a call from an ex who hurt me to tell me he had had two kids one after the other and he was blissfully happy. My God it stung like hell. Like you, I wish I had told him exactly how much he hurt me (it is a bit more complex than what I am writing here) but I missed the chance. I am forever writing letters and then not sending them or composing things in my head. I feel I need closure but I am afraid only you can give yourself closure. Someone once said to me that getting in touch hoping for closure is going back to the source of your pain and it will only lead to more pain. Like you, I hate that he ‘got off’ scot free but I am remaining no contact and will forever more until one day the memory will fade.
Infertility is one of the most difficult things to come to terms with so go easy on yourself. Focus on you and your best life and leave him in the past.Newbie
I also had a friend who became infertile after chlamydia. Its not fair but its something you have to deal with. There will always be pain about it, but there also are other options. Like surrogacy, adoption etc. Sure its not the same thing but if you want to be a mom, there are ways. Try to get out of victim mode, it will wear you down in stead of lifting you up
Lane
I know it would feel good, in the moment, to let him have it so to speak but just know there’s a high level of risk that you may not achieve the satisfaction you hope to derive from sending him that letter. Life is unfair. Its a part of life that you have to accept and come to terms with or you will forever be disappointed if you can’t learn how to shrug off life’s disappointments and keep it moving.
Getting angry for a short bit is normal but holding a grudge for years is unhealthy and only hurts you, so you can either keep twisting the knife or take it out, lay it down and find another way, such as surrogacy, adoption, etc. to have the family you desire.
If you really need to write that letter to let him know how much his cheating caused you to become infertile and never have a baby, then do it. If laying a guilt trip on him will provide you with the satisfaction you are craving or be the fuel you need to heal, let it go and move on, then do it. Just know it may not have the desired effect you hope or want it to and will have to live with that too. Either swing or lay down the sword forever. Pick one.
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