Home › Forums › Did He Lose Interest? › Back with the ex but now he's being distant
- This topic has 9 replies and was last updated 3 years, 2 months ago by
Lane.
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Sandy
Hi. So I met this guy last summer and we hit it off quite fast. It was all great and he did everything right. He always texted me. Wanted to see me every day and showed me to his friends and family. We were close and I could tell he was in love. We even went on vacation and he wanted to move in together. But then in winter he started to become distant. When i asked he told me he was worried about work. Then his father was sick and right around Christmas also his grandma was in the hospital. I tried to talk to him but he refused and probably went into his man cave. I was so frustrated and also pulled back. Shortly after Christmas he broke up saying he is not capable of having a relationship. After several weeks of no contact he texted me telling his grandma had died. I said sorry. And he told me he missed me. But then nothing. Again no contact until he texted that he feels sorry he messed up with us and wish he could turn back time. But no effort in trying to meet. Two weeks later I couldn’t hold back and asked him to come over. He showed up and we talked a little about this and that and we cuddled. He stayed the night and the next day took me out for a brunch on Valentine’s Day. It was all as if we never separated. But since then he is distant. It takes hours for him to respond to texts. When I asked how this is going now he said he liked it and could have that everyday. I asked when do we see each other again he tells me he doesn’t know. He’s very busy. Let’s see. I know what it was like when he was in love. I didn’t question it for a second. But now it feels very off and I have no clue where I stand. Should I give him some space without asking again and wait it out if he wants to see me? Also if he should ask I don’t want to appear too available. Should I be sweet and say I’m busy too? I don’t want to look like I’m desperately waiting for him
Ashley
He doesn’t know what he wants. Leave him to it. Don’t initiate contact or try to make plans. Live your own life as a single woman. He has no incentive to step up if he senses you’re hanging around waiting for him – he’ll see you as less valuable. Spend time with other people, if you get asked out on a date go, etc definitely do not be available for him since he is not for you
SthrnBelle
This is why it is never good when you initiate with an ex, if you were not happy as things stood, no matter who broke it off if he is contacting you out of the blue here and there but wishy washy, unless he gives you a very serious apology and makes a very serious attempt to reconcile, you should never ever contemplate starting over and especially not you offering. Of course they will take up the offer, it is a really great ego boost for them but then things will go back to where they were and usually worse. If it was a big love/great passion it could be that for a while things even become all rosy only to take a huge backslide soon after. One more reason to be extremely careful when you make up with an ex to never ever give in so easily. Generally it does not work out, after all there is a reason you are exes. Sometimes after a longer period passed and some life circumstances causing the breakup have changed, it is possible but even then it is very rare and most often there still is something in the other person that makes it impossible.
Bottomline you should really walk and go into NC again. At the very very least distance yourself, ask for space. But I am afraid that you will just be “played” again, not necessarily intentionally but the guy is still the same unopen, unavailable, not ready he was when he broke up with you.
Sandy
Thanks. You’re definitely right. It hurts to accept the truth and that it was only words to get back in my bed. A friend just found him on a dating site. So this means definitely NC for good now.
alia
Southern – you nailed it.
Sandy
so he texted me yesterday with a normal “hey how are you” and that he caught a cold. First I was kind of relieved that I finally heard from him but then it occurred to me that he was probably just bored and needed a little ego boost again. I didn’t answer because I’m just so disappointed. I didn’t even feel like telling him that I need space right now.
I am so heartbroken and its difficult for me to understand and accept that he doesn’t love me anymore or probably never did. I still miss him terribly. Does anyone have some encouraging words for me?
thanks ladiesSandy
So this Morning he texted me asking why I won’t answer his messages anymore. I felt like I had to tell him at least. I said that we are not on the same page regarding our “relationship”. He asked why I thought that and I told him because he doesn’t know when he wants to see me again? He answered blabla he had to work a lot and if I really think everything would be as good as it was before? I said yes why would I want it to be worse? So I told him that as long as he doesn’t really want to be with me I don’t want any contact anymore. He didn’t answer anymore. I’m already feeling a bit better after the two weeks of NC but still I was disappointed that he didn’t say he wants to fix things. I know this was to be expected. But still. It hurts. So now I’m back to NC for the full time now. Ugh I just wish time would pass by quicker and I would be over it already. So tiring :(
Sarah
Sandy, don’t talk to this guy again. If I were you, I would have blocked him after you decided not to have further contact with him. You don’t EVER want to inflate a guy’s ego by letting him know he hurt you. By explaining yourself to him, you let him know he got under your skin. Don’t talk to him again. You don’t owe him any explanations. Forget him completely and move on. If you keep having contact with him, it will chip away at your self esteem.
Daisy
My boyfriend and me got back together he picked me up last night to talk about us getting back together and how he wants things to change . Because both of us would get mad over little stuff but it came to a point where we both had enough and we broke it off ! So we talked about us changing that about us and he said he will always love me and cares for me on whatever happens happens he said he still wants to be with me and I told him are you sure you do ? and he was very clearly about it so we started fresh from scratch but he isn’t texting me the same anymore he seems a little distant idk how to feel about it I’m stressing here.
Lane
Ladies, unfortunately these “do overs” have an abysmal success rate (less than 20%) because the same issues are still there because people don’t suddenly change in a short period of time, and fall right back into the same pattern(s).
The ONLY time I will ever take a guy back is if it didn’t end badly, there weren’t any major issues but it happened due to distance, such as a job move, they returned, and we easily fell back to the same good place we were before the distance took place. This has happened to me twice but they pursued me, went above and beyond to show it without zero backtracking, to the point I could trust they weren’t yanking my chain. Coincidentally, I married the first and it lasted over 20 years. I am now with the second, and we are still going strong for almost 5 years now.
I would learn the lesson from this and never re-entertain an ex who was a really sucky BF or your relationship was rocky because you are just asking for more heartache. Unless a lot of time has passed, and an individual has not only performed an inner dissection of themselves and know specifically what they need to change but have also taken major steps to change it which takes months/years, not a few weeks, they will continue to engage in the same behaviors.
My youngest son is notorious for noting things he needs to change about himself but never takes the active steps to change it and just keeps doing it over and over again. He is who he is, and will remain to be who he is because that’s how he really wants to be or he would do something about it but never does—talk is cheap, the proof is in the actions.
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