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- This topic has 2 replies and was last updated 1 year, 9 months ago by
Liz Lemon.
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leelee
Hi, Been dating someone for a year. Every other wknd bf has his son. I’m with them. Now I’m backing up because I feel bf needs to be with his father alone. When I’ve told bf, ” oh I have plans,” He’ll act sad, but then he ends up in my house, staying over. So, now my bday month is here and his son is coming for the wknd. I made plans with friends. He starts discussing plans with his son and me, and honestly I like the plans he has. But, I don’t want to be with his son. lIke I don’t want my bday wknd to be centered around him, how he feels, what he chooses to not eat, us dealing with a child. I have no kids, and while I don’t mind kids, and have always dated men with kids, I just don’t feel like taking care of a kid on my bday. SO I relayed to bf that I have tentative plans and he understood and said we can do my bday next week, when he’s free.
Why do I feel guilty? Am I wrong?Nat
No you’re not. Some people don’t celebrate their birthday, but if you do you have every right to spend it how you like. It’s one day of the year you can be selfish. Enjoy. Glad your man understands.
Liz Lemon
My short answer is: No, you’re not wrong. It’s OK to want to spend your birthday as you wish, and not centered around kid-friendly stuff. That’s totally understandable.
My longer answer is: I’ll add that it sounds like you and your boyfriend have different expectations around your involvement with his son. It sounds like your bf wants you to be super involved with his child, but you say you’ve started backing away so they can have time without you, and telling bf you have other plans (which makes bf sad, instead of him understanding you). And your bf just assumed you’d spend your birthday weekend together with his child– so the expectation is clearly there on his part.
My bf also has his young son with him every other weekend, and I always hang out, sleep over etc. It’s very much a “family” vibe. I’m fine with it because we’ve been together a long time and I have a strong relationship with his son, and I have my own child who’s grown, so I enjoy being around a younger kid. So none of it is a problem for me. But it sounds like it might be a problem for you?
But I can clearly see where you’re coming from– it’s a very intimate relationship. It’s hard to spend long stretches of time with a young child in those circumstances and not get attached. The child gets attached to you, you get attached to the child, your boyfriend gets attached to the “family” setup that you start to have. So you all have to be on the same page with regard to expectations.
I would recommend thinking about what level of involvement you’re comfortable with, and talking over with your boyfriend what his expectations are. If he expects you to spend every weekend with him and his child, and you don’t feel comfortable with that, you have to communicate about it.
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