Benefit of the doubt?

Oh and needless to say, no games or playing hard to get! Your friends’ advice is terrible. He’s been honest with you about where he’s at. Accept it, and continue to get to know him and assess whether he’s the right guy for you.

@AngieBaby I’m totally with you on the lessons learned and I’ll try not to get ahead of him.
Why did you think it’s a situationship now? We are in an undefined state but it’s not like he’s been flaky or only wants companionship rather than relationship? (assume he’s been honest)

I echo what AngieBaby said before sex be clear about the guy is looking for. I think its too early for sleepovers, those really should happen when things are exclusive. I say this because spending all that time gets you invested and too comfortable too soon. I agree with some of what your friends said take a step back and be open to dating other people. When I was single I often did what you’re doing, sleep overs right away, then asking what things were after the fact. I often never got the answer I was hoping for and felt disappointed. Good thing is he’s in therapy making necessary changes but, that takes time. I wouldn’t rehash that conversation either, leave it be he knows what you want. Either he’ll make things exclusive or he won’t. Be prepared either way.

You have no reason not to take him at his word unless/until he’s inconsistent. I agree with all the other advice you’ve gotten, and I think it’s good that he’s self-aware enough that he’s trying to pace himself with you and communicated why. That actually tells me he’s trying NOT to screw things up with you. Only time will tell if he’s actually in a good headspace for a serious relationship, but take that time and get to know him. Since it’s only been a few weeks, do you even know if YOU want to be committed to HIM yet (beyond sexual exclusivity)? There’s still a lot to learn about your compatibility, how you resolve conflict together, etc. I wouldn’t ask him for more detail around defining the relationship yet if he’s already said you’re sexually exclusive and that he’s looking for a serious relationship in general and not a casual fling. Just keep working on getting to know each other and building a connection.

I also strongly agree that your friends have a bad take. Relationships with unequal power dynamics are dysfunctional. You can’t “give away” your power if you are self-assured and know what you want. If it seems like there’s a power struggle, then you’re not on the same team and should walk away from a partner like that anyway. Your instincts not to play games are right if you’re trying to find a mature adult to date.

Hey ladies, came here to give an update! Your advice from last time helped so much and I really appreciate that!! I may need some more inputs from you as my judgement seems clouded at the moment.

We continued to hang out for a couple of times and it’s been going smoothly I’d say. During a date he brought me a small gift again from his overseas trip (tho tbh it looked like an complimentary freebie he got from a full-size purchase so the effort got discounted a bit). Last Friday we spent our first 24 hours together. He cooked dinner and breakfast, and we went strolling around his neighbourhood to an art gallery and then to a fun painting event. We talked quite a bit about our lives, our close friends and just random stuff. Along the lines, he asked me “would you want a boyfriend who’s much less successful than you are” I told him I never thought about it and I don’t consider myself that successful so I wouldn’t mind. That left me with the impression that he’d thought about us in the long run. Next day I accidentally noticed he’s still on the dating app as when he was showing me his phone the app showed up in recent active apps. That made me feel a little uncomfortable. But on the other hand I know it’s unfair to ask him to be off the app while we are still in this grey zone of getting to know each other.

Overall, when we were together it feels calm and conversations flow easily. I was used to intense beginnings of a new relationship and being pursued, so this somehow made me feel a little uneasy and insecure. He’s very physically affectionate. I’m afraid he’s gonna bail once the lust fades away. We’ve been hanging out for 7 weeks (11 dates) and I’ve not met his friends yet tho he’s talked about them to me in details and suggested to take me to one of his friend’s restaurants.

I brought it up to him briefly near the end of our 24hour date. I said that I don’t want to be strung along if it’s only physical, and asked if things’ been going well between us, as in “developing towards something meaningful”. He said yes but also said it’s still early days. We agreed to continue doing what we’ve been doing. I didn’t broach defining the relationship as it didn’t feel right. He seemed a little uncomfortable with the topic and quickly changed the topic.

I don’t actually want to see other people even though I know I could and it’d give me some leverage. But again I don’t want to play games. So right now I’m just in it risking getting more and more attached to a person whom I’m unsure about. This feels strange and uneasy.

And honestly, I don’t know if one could ever be 100% sure about a potential partner. When do we know we could let our guard down and commit to only focusing on one person?

Not sure if I should set a timeline on how/when things should hit certain milestones? Thinking about that gives me anxiety. Anyone can relate and any advice?

Thanks!!!

This all is a you issue. You tell a man in the first 3 dates what you are looking for and ask him. You pay attention for if words and actions are matching and believe the less committed one. And you don’t sleep with man unless it is exclusive. You tell him that early, and keep yourself free to make out and such, but you don’t have sex unless it is part of an exclusive interaction where someone is not getting back online the next day and that you will decide thar together.

You get confusion by being the cool girl, you get the right guy by being clear.

You never know for sure, but you are single until it is official. And nothing is ever a sure thing, so make sure you always take care of you so you love you no matter what.

Agree with Ewa and Tallspicy. You’re letting your anxious insecure attachment style get in the way of having a connection, and it may sabotage things. You can’t force control by counting dates and milestones. It’s about getting to know someone and if you’re long-term compatible — building a connection and foundation of trust that works for both of you and being on the same page about the kind of relationship you both want. Same life stage. Dating gets less risky when you feel confident in yourself and that you’ll be okay whether or not things work out with a guy, so don’t abandon yourself. If he’s still not committing to being a boyfriend after 3 months, give or take a few weeks, then walk away. But you never did answer whether or not you even think he’d be a good partner for you, which is a way more important question!

Also, dating other people doesn’t give you “leverage”. If you’re looking at multi-dating as a power struggle or control tactic, then you’re interfering with building a healthy connection. Fear-based decisions are usually bad ones. You date other people to get a better idea of what you want in a partner and to learn what you need to about what compatibility looks like for you, so that you can find and recognize a good relationship that actually works well for you and is calm instead of crazy-making. You don’t do it to play defensive games and hide from feeling vulnerable. If you’re worried about losing yourself and over-investing too early, you need to connect better with yourself first, not bring other people into it as distractions or back up plans.