Home › Forums › Did He Lose Interest? › Beyond confused
- This topic has 4 replies and was last updated 2 years, 2 months ago by
Rubi.
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Stephanie
I met this guy at work, it was some kind of indescribable connection at first sight and I could feel it from him as well but I was still in my unhappy marriage so it didn’t go anywhere at the time. He was just on a temporary contract through my job but before his time was up we did become friends on FB. Fast forward about a month and half later I left my marriage and when he seen that he contacted me. We talked and texted nonstop for weeks and spent some time together but our schedules are completely opposite so that was hard. We both let each other know our attraction to each other both emotional and sexual which was insane or so I thought. Finally after talking every day and spending entire nights texting and sexting for almost 2 months we had the chance to finally be intimate but it seems like everything changed right away. The amount of contact and context of the contact completely changed and I’m really confused and hurt by it, as well as worried I wasn’t as good as he expected but that’s mainly because I was so nervous because it has been almost 3 years since the last time I had sex but that just makes me freak out even more. I know he’s dealing with big stresses in his life right now which could be part of this but the communication completely changed right from that day we had sex. I really thought and felt something for him and believed he felt the same so I’m lost on what to do and what say. Please help. Thank You
Tammy
Step back. Take some time. Calm urslf down. Now let us know how has the communication changed?
Tallspicy
Oh honey, big hugs, that sounds so disappointing. Honestly, there is not much you can do other than focus on yourself and let him come to you.
A few things to consider:
a. Overwhelming sparks are almost always a red flag
B. Talking, texting and sexting does not build male emotional connection.
C. Asking you out, planning dates,, having to wait and doing things in person does
D. You are single until he asks you to be his girlfriend. Act accordingly.
E. Never sext any man not your boyfriend and even then, no photos.
F. Never take a man’s rejection personally, especially when you don’t know him well. Please read that again.
G. Never let any man’s rejection have any meaning it story attached to it. Imagine it flying away in a balloon. No one defines your value but you.Maddie
Don’t make excuses for him. That includes, don’t try to find a way to fully blame yourself and be negative about yourself here, especially do not assume you must have been bad in bed!!
This timeline sounds like you are about 3 months separated from your husband and likely not divorced yet? He pounced as soon as your Facebook status changed and then didn’t prioritize seeing you but got you hooked on texting and rushing into sexting. There’s a good chance he assumed you weren’t ready to jump into a relationship after leaving a marriage and just wanted a fun time, which is what he wanted too. And if I’m correct about that, it wasn’t an unreasonable expectation on his part about someone out of a long relationship, but it is why you need to protect your feelings early in romantic situations by taking a bit of time to get to know someone (preferably in person) before you emotionally invest. Prior to sleeping with him, did you tell him you were looking to date again for real, or ask him what he was looking for? Establishing you both feel attraction is different than deciding if you’re going on real dates or just seeing each other casually. I suspect a lack of direct communication led to mismatched expectations?
Even if that’s the case, it unfortunately doesn’t make it any less painful to deal with! But as you jump back into dating after a bad marriage, it is something important to learn from. This type of thing happens a lot, and a lot of the questions asked here are about men pulling away after sex. Try not to focus on him, let him initiate if he’s going to come back, and don’t just jump back into sex with him on demand if you haven’t established that you’re at least dating and he’s taking you out regularly and on the same page as you that you’re not just FWB. (Assuming you want more than FWB, which it at least sounds like you do since you’re already attached.)
Or take it easy and focus on yourself and on mourning and dealing with and healing from the end of your marriage. Be kind to yourself. And after you take some time, reenter the dating scene casually. Even if it was an unhappy marriage and you’re over your ex, it’s still a huge change and a lot to deal with. I’ve known people who need time to rediscover themselves and reconcile the failure of the marriage itself, even if they don’t have any remaining feelings for their ex spouse.
Good luck. And if a guy is inconsistent or flips 180 somehow in early dating days, see that as a sure sign he’s not going to be relationship material. If someone has real potential to be more than casual, you should not ever feel confused.
Rubi
Immediate drop in communication and interest in general after sex is a typical sign that means a man only wanted the sex. So it’s also something to consider is happening here.
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