Home › Forums › Did He Lose Interest? › BF Ghosted for a week and came back??
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She.
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She
So, my boyfriend have been together for 7 months. We’ve traveled together (3 times, once across the country), I’ve met his friends and family (they’re all my friends on insta now) and he’s met mine. We’ve had a few “future together” talks and things like that which have been nice, but I wasn’t taking too seriously considering how long we’ve been together. Three weeks ago, we had an in-person convo (which I asked for because something didn’t feel right) and we met up at the park to talk. I told him that I noticed he was being a bit distant and was wondering what was up. He would send me texts but not respond when I replied back, I’d stay the night and wouldn’t hear from him the next day, stuff like that. Part of me automatically felt like this was a red flag, and if we were going to break up then I at least wanted to get a heads up so I could prep for it.
So we meet up at the park and he starts telling me that he’s feeling anxious. He says that this is the first healthy relationship that he’s been in (he was with someone that was emotionally abusive and left him for one of his friends) and he hasn’t been dealing with his grandmother’s passing all too well (When his grandmother passed, I gave him space and checked in regularly. We met up for dinner that night and before he took me home he just started sobbing in his car. At first, he let me hold and console him but then he got stiff and kept his arms locked to his side. I tried to wipe his face and talk to him and eventually, he opened up about how much he missed her.). And while we were at the park he kept saying that he loved me so much that he was scared of that. He said he needed space and I asked him what space looked like and he wasn’t sure. We ended the night somewhat peacefully and said our I Love You’s, but he started getting distant again.
I called him out on it again because he was doing that check-in and not respond thing and he said that he felt like I was taking space from him so he was retracting because of that. Which feels like BS to me. So, the weekend after our talk, he goes upstate for the weekend with his cousins and siblings. We don’t speak all that much. I don’t reach out because if he needs space then I don’t want to cling. He starts texting me and initiating convos, but not responding back. I tell him that I’m a little confused because he kept saying, “I need space, I need time.” But when I wouldn’t reach out he’d double or triple text me. He responded saying, “I’d still like to hear from you, let’s meet up and talk before I go away on vacation.” He wanted to arrange a time to meet late on Sunday and didn’t work for me because it’s late and I had work the next day. So, I said let’s talk in person when you get back.
He goes on vacation, he sends me a text three days in to show me the poolside and says, “gonna turn my phone off, love you to bits!” and doesn’t respond when I say, “looks so cool! bring back some sun.” We don’t talk for 6 days after that but his phone isn’t off like he said it would be because he’s watching my story every day. I don’t reach out at all, because something smells fishy. He calls me on day 6 at 10:50 pm (the day he allegedly gets home) trying to ask me how I’m doing and I call him out on his mess. I tell him that what he’s done is disrespectful and he’s gonna have to prove to me that it’s even worth it at this point. He says he realizes that he’s hurt me and it hurts him too. He wrote me a letter while he was out there but he again says he wasn’t sure if I wanted to speak and I ask, “how would you know unless you ask?” He has no response for that. We made plans to meet, but I canceled them because I told him that I’m not ready to see him. We speak on and off for that weekend and he sends me a good morning text but never replies to my good morning back (just likes my text). The day after liking my response he sends me another good morning text asking to speak to me on the phone (just to spend time together) and I give myself the day to respond because I’m MAD now lol and I tell him that he needs to watch the relationship goals videos I sent him (I’m newly Christian) and then, perhaps, I’d be open to having another conversation but I’ll be taking space until that point. He said that he understood, he’d watch the rest of the videos, and that I should take my time, that we’ll talk when I’m ready. At least I TOLD him that I was going to be walking away for a while rather than disappearing without a trace, right? Is it even worth it to try with this guy anymore? Things started off SO great, but now we’re in this weird place.
TDLR; My boyfriend has been acting VERY confusing and I dunno if it’s even worth it to try at this point. He ghosted me for 6 days, came back like everything was fine, and idk what to do.
She
As a note, it’s been 4 days since I’ve said anything to him. I truly miss him but I’m honestly fearful that he’s just gonna ghost again if I let him back in.
Gaia
If I’m reading this right… he didn’t ghost you. He told you about his vacation plans and then said he was going to shut off his phone. You stalking whether he was on the phone or not is a bit much and very clingy. Now you are being passive aggressive with him. You wanted to talk to face to face but then when he says yes to that you back out because you are mad that he didn’t contact you when he said he wasn’t going to. That is rather confusing. In all of the things you’ve described it really doesn’t sound like this guy did anything wrong.
Maddie
I think some of this depends on how old you are and what timeline you’re looking for a serious commitment on. You can still learn a lot about people in the first year or two of dating, which is why it’s a good idea to give yourself some time to date and get to know someone before rushing into, say, an engagement. So it sounds like you were in a healthy place of exclusive bf/gf but not rushed relationship for it being 7 months.
That being said, it sounds like he hasn’t done all his work to both heal from the abusive prior relationship or maybe even to work through how he ended up sticking out being in only unhealthy relationships prior to you in the first place. And that can be complicated and take time, potentially years, which is why I’m asking for YOUR ideal commitment timeline. If he’s being wishy-washy and pulling away from you rather than maybe saying “hey, I have some baggage, and I’m not handling the death of a loved one well, I need to figure out my stuff, maybe talk to a therapist, not take it out on you with inconsistent distant behavior” and you’re someone who wants a partner who will lean in and discuss issues with you under stress instead of distancing, then you don’t have compatible ways of handling conflict and life issues. I don’t believe this has to do with how strongly you may or may not feel about each other (the ghosting is because he’s ill-equipped to deal with this, not because he doesn’t care about you or is trying to be disrespectful), he’s just got issues and baggage he doesn’t sound ready to deal with. So ask yourself the questions I posed and see what conclusion that brings you to and if you want to give him some time or if you’d prefer to move on to someone who is ready for what you want.
Me personally, I’ve been in similar situations and it was always better if I’d have left than stayed because they needed much more time and much more drive to actually address the issues than they had, and so my exes who had problems like this never changed over the years. It’s not impossible, but someone needs to be in the right mindset to overcome baggage and show up for you (that “love isn’t always enough” adage), and that usually looks more like someone trying their best to get their stuff together rather than being inconsistent and confused about everything.
Raven
Did you ask him what the fuk?
What are your ages?Kathy
What Maddie said.. Her’s was excellent advice..
She
Hey Maddie,
You’re absolutely right. We were exclusive by the three month mark. I was the one that decided to wait because I’ve never been in a relationship before and we were still learning so much about each other. This wasn’t the first time he got distant. I’ve been trying to address it by previously talking things through to understand or simply letting it be in the past. We both spoke a few days ago and he said he wants to start over completely, and build a more secure foundation. He said that he wants for us to move slower and he wants to be friends first. He said that a lot of this stemmed from his past relationships and he felt like he was worried about doing too much in this relationship because he’s always been the tule to be all in in the past. He asked for me to initiate phone calls more often because he’d love to hear from me and I agreed and have been calling more often / texting.
In terms of a timeline, this is someone that I’ve spent a lot of time with a we have even talked about moving in together previously. We’ve met each others families and I was reluctant to do so at first because this was all new for me / meeting my family is a big step. After this, I don’t think that either of us are in that place with each other anymore. I just don’t know how to let go of this at this point because I wanted so badly for this to work…
She
Hey Gaia you’ve given me a lot to consider. I think I’m going from the place where he said he needed space but when I asked what that meant he wasn’t sure ie; texting me but not responding to my text, disappearing for days after we’ve hung out, saying he’s not ready for a relationship but then saying he loves me so much and he wants us to work. It was so damn confusing that when he came back and started flirting with me like everything is fine I was like no wait a second I need some space to sort out these feelings I have now too. I don’t understand why he needed to say he was turning off his phone if he wasn’t. I hadn’t reached out at that point because I knew he was on vacation and even though things were murky I wanted him to enjoy it.
But for him to reach out and then not say anything when I reached back and then get home and say, “I wasn’t sure you wanted to hear from me.” Makes no sense. I reached back and he didn’t say anything in kind. When he got back I told him that I wanted us to watch this series together on relationships and at first he was all game to do it but then he started coming and going and being inconsistent again. I wouldn’t hear from him for days at a time even when I would reach out. One detail I probably didn’t clarify on was that he didn’t want to talk face to face he wanted to speak on face time instead. I was so confused and annoyed by that point that I was like rather than blowing up about this let me step back and get some space to protect myself since things had been so ambiguous and our relationship status was so uncertain. Truly both of us may be in the wrong here. I had thought that things were going really well and it felt like a culmination of things lead us here
She
Hi Kathy!
We’re both 25. I just turned 25 two months ago.
She
*sorry Kathy, that was actually for Raven lol
Erin
I’m going to be honest and say that this relationship has a lot of red flags, particularly this guy in person
Blows hot and cold
Doesn’t reply texts, when he does it’s after long intervals and he replies with half as*ed response
Push and pull, he pushes you away and when you’re distant he pulls you back in
You’ve had the ‘where is this going’ talk numerous times.
Watching your socially media but doesn’t want to talk to you via text or phone call, after saying his phone was off
Disappearing acts.
You initiate all the state of the relationship talks
Enjoying pushing your buttons
Hiding behind a ‘psychotic ex’ who did them wrong, that one is popular with men who play games.
Too much drama and the relationship is almost bordering on toxic.
He is immature and he is wasting your time.
It’s understandable, he’s 25,most guys are not yet really mature at that age and not looking to be serious unfortunately. If you want a serious and committed relationship then this is not it.
Try dating someone a little older than you, of course that doesn’t guarantee success or maturity, there are grown as* men who still act childish and young men who act very mature but your chances are much higher than with a 25 year old.
She
Hey Erin I think you’re right. I always said that I feel like I’m always the one initiating check ins to see where we stand. He prides himself on being to talk about feelings but it feels like he’s unable to see his own blind spots when it comes to our relationship. I don’t know how to break this off yet. It still hurts a lot but I’m trying to keep my distance even though he wants to start over. We’re going to an event today with our separate groups of friends and I’m praying we don’t run into each other
She
Hey Erin I think you’re right. He prides himself in being able to talk about his feelings but I feel like that emotional maturity doesn’t apply here. I’ve told him how his disappearing makes me feel (I was in a relationship where the guy used to come and go and treat me like I was disposable) and he apologized for making me feel that way and still does it. I don’t know how to let go but I’m really trying even though he said he wanted us to start over. I feel like he’s not really putting the effort in. I feel like I’m chasing him again and I don’t want that. We’re both going to this festival today with our respective friend groups and I pray that I don’t run into him. I just want to let go and move on but I’m not sure how to start
She
Ignore the duplicates! It didn’t show my previous post as submitted
Maddie
I agree with Erin, though I don’t think it’s just an age thing. With the extra details you provided, I’d suggest you look up fearful avoidant attachment style, see if that sounds like a description of his patterns, and if so… let it go. I’ve been there done that multiple times. It’ll just take a long time of roller-coastering and push-pull repetition for anything to even possibly change, and that will make you crazy and waste your time. Someone who isn’t dealing with their issues and has that style will get more and more toxic over time, and the dynamic will be even worse if you also have an insecure attachment style type (but I can’t tell if you do or not from the info in your posts). If you see it through you’ll probably learn a lot more about red flags and the types of inconsistent men to avoid partnering with, but if you’re looking for someone you can trust, I’d save myself the headache. This type of man comes back with promises to change and try again with less pressure, downgrading you really, when they get concerned they’re losing you… when you are consistently around and close they’ll just push you away again and not follow through in any way that moves things forward. They’re not doing it on purpose, they’re just not actually dealing with their issues and you get to deal with the fallout.
Lisa
There’s somebody else. I’ve been in these hot and cold situations before and that’s always been the explanation. He doesn’t talk to you when he’s with her. Might be the emotionally abusive ex is back. I think you should prepare yourself. The break up is on the horizon.
Raven
So, why do you let him come & go as he pleases?
Gaia
I take back what I said. After more info, I’d move on from this guy. After 7 months there is no going back to slow & friendship. That’s a huge red flag. Blaming things on prior relationships is another. Sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants and wants to explore options by keeping you on the hook or still in his orbit. You need to find your boundaries and learn what you will and won’t accept. He’s showing you his true colors.
She
Hey Maddie,
I definitely think that he has an avoidant attachment style which doesn’t do me any good since I have an anxious attachment style when it comes to this relationship. I keep trying to talk things out and make it better, but he pulls away to self-reflect and turns into himself. When we said we’d start over I dunno what I expected. I went to an event yesterday that I knew that he would be at and he came up to me and hugged me. We said our hellos and went to dance with our respective groups. I went and said hey to his sister because she was there and I knew her and I even went up to him again and asked him how he was doing.
He text me later on and said that he was so confused about my behavior at the event. He expected us to share a dance and maybe a smile. He basically texted me this, “I’m so confused by today. I have been trying to wrap my head about it and I’ve grown concerned to even what is sustainable here because if this is how we are moving I can’t do that. I was hurting and I respect you and us enough to not have us experience something like this. I want us to thrive from a place of love and this was not it. I hated it so much.”
I wanted to say well you left me in an ambiguous place because you ghosted me and so I didn’t know how to act. But ultimately I said, I haven’t seen you in almost a month it didn’t feel organic to do more than say hi and keep my distance. I keep feeling like I’m in the wrong.
I cannot help but feel like I’m being emotionally manipulated at least to a point.
She
Hey Gaia, I’m getting that feeling too. I’m just not sure how to properly break away from this. I always feel so self-sufficient and sure-footed but here I’m stumbling. That’s truly the only reason that I’m on this website. I’ve never been in a relationship before this and I feel foolhardy for letting things get to this point. We were in a great place when this all began and a part of me is holding on to that even though I KNOW that this is not a good place to be. I’m not sure how to separate myself safely.
Lane
She, you’ve received a lot of good advice here, and really need to heed it. Its good that you’re able to see this is not a healthy relationship based on his inability to take any ownership for his part and role. Communication is key but even this isn’t working because he’s
passive-aggressive, a stonewaller, and manipulative to the point he blames you when he’s the one that has taken you down the rabbit hole.I think you need to rip the band-aid off, and end it. Just tell him that after some space, and introspect, you do not believe this is workable, long-term, and need to explore further. You definitely need to date, and learn about men before you can know which one’s you truly mesh with the best. The two of you don’t mesh; whereas, trying to keep forcing a square peg in a round hole is a huge waste of energy, and time. Knowledge is power! :o)
She
Hi Lane!
Thank you for the advice. I’m gonna go for it. This is actually driving me insane.
Erin
“he’s passive-aggressive, a stonewaller, and manipulative to the point he blames you when he’s the one that has taken you down the rabbit hole”
100% agree with Lane. Time to call it in. I’m sorry it seems hard but for the sake of our mental health this is the only way.
She
Erin you’re right too!
Thank you to everyone that’s commented here. I thought I was losing it and that I was entirely to blame for all of this. I realize now that we’re just not compatible people and I’ll be opening myself to more heartache if I even try to maintain this relationship. I really appreciate all of the insight. I’m going to do it, I deserve to be happy too and this just is NOT it
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