Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › BF has a lot of friends that are women, adjusting to it
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Maddie.
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Ella
Hello hello, so my boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months. I’m 25 and he’s 26. After our second date, my dad sadly passed and he stuck around and wanted to keep getting to know me and I actually ended up falling hard for him. My grief has gotten easier, I feel like there has been so much with my job and other life stuff I’ve been able to focus on more positive self growth things (new relationship and moving forward in my job, applying to different jobs). This post isn’t about my grief, but wanted to provide context about how much has truly happened in the past year. Sadly, my uncle just passed (my mother’s brother) so a lot of raw feelings are occurring.
I met my boyfriend’s family and stayed in their home in early June. I was the fourth girl he brought back to meet his parents (his two highschool girlfriend’s he doesn’t really count as super serious in his head) but he had a college ex-girlfriend who he dated for 3 years and she ended up cheating on him. He has much more relationship experience than me sexually and romantically and sometimes it eats at me. I posted here a few months ago about how he has a lot of friends that are women and we talked about it and I said i’m adjusting to how many hangouts he does with women. I recently met his best friend who he has known since they were 15 and she was very warm and welcoming. I was nervous to meet her tbh because he talks so highly of her all the time and I know her opinion means a lot to him. The get together was nice and she wrote my boyfriend this huge paragraph about how special i am and she picked that up and he’s happy for him etc.
It was very good to see how they interact because it was clear they are like brother and sister-ish vibes and I didn’t sense a romantic connection. I also learned his 3 previous girlfriends all did not like her and how close he and she were, which was news to me. His last serious girlfriend was during college and she apparently said to him all the time how she didn’t like how often he and his friend would hang out and get together. And when she was telling him all of this, she was cheating on him, so I think there was a lot of projection there and why they ended their relationship. He also mentioned how his previous ex-girlfriend did not try to get to know her and it caused a lot of tension.
I explained to her and how I think its a green flag how he can have these platonic relationships with women because I knew so many men that just are incapable of doing so. But I can’t help but admit deep down I still worry. I’ve gotten used to it more and I sense how much of a priority I am to my boyfriend, and he gives me no doubts he is interested in these friends he has. I also recognize that if they wanted to get together they would have by now in my opinion, especially hearing how often they did hangout after him and his ex broke up. So i’m working on letting this go out of my brain, and maybe I have a potential future friendship with her.
I know what its like to feel punished for no reason as I had guy friends who had girlfriend’s who felt threatened by me, but two things I didn’t really like in all honesty was the fact she had a nickname for him. And she kept saying how much her parents love him.
Two minor things, but they went into a deep convo about how her dad LOVES him and I honestly had no idea how to respond. Like it doesn’t shock me at all that’s the case, cause he’s great, but all I kept thinking was I don’t have a dad where he can get along with and even if my dad were still alive, my dad wouldn’t be like that whatsoever. So I think that’s where the sore spot is.
It’s gotten better and I remain open and he’s given me no reason to doubt him. He says how he can’t wait for the future with me and how he can’t wait to marry me and we have discussed rings. He’s very serious about me and he makes it really evident. I love him a lot and I so desire to get over this small insecurity of mine fully.
Chrissy
They are like one big happy family.
You are very lucky.Better off single8
You are right, having diverse friendships is valuable, but it’s crucial to prioritize emotional intelligence, healthy boundaries, and mutual respect in all relationships.
Individuals with “mommy issues” might find it challenging to form deep, healthy emotional connections with their romantic partners. Instead, they may seek emotional intimacy through friendships, which can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction or disconnection in their romantic relationships. The longer they are in the relationship the liklier they are to check out or cheat. They may seek validation or emotional fulfillment through friendships with the opposite sex.
So that might be something you want to look out for.
Ella
I have expressed I am worried he will put these friendships ahead of me but he stated I am his priority. I don’t think we have a disconnection. These are all women he was friends with way before he met me. I think that would only worry me if he started making a slew of NEW friends that were women and to me that would feel like he’s placing me second (which I don’t think he wants that either).
I am aware he likes having strong emotional bonds with women though which I picked up on right away, and clearly his other serious girlfriends did not like that either. So I am still gonna just watch and see how this unfolds but as of now, I feel strong in our relationship and our communication. I’d like to think if I had a guy best friend he would get worried about this too I guess.
Colette
You and your bf are together for 10 months now and the way relationship progress is with bonds getting tighter and trust develops further. You get a sense of sharing a future. You’re not doing either of those things. Instead you keep going over his women friends and memorize all sorts of weird things about them. I don’t know why you are doing that. Maybe your gut says something is off or you’re investing too little in this relationship yourself (what are you doing to make yourself special to him).
I think you need to decide if it is your gut saying something is off or go for it. But then be confident he chose you to be his girlfriend and build a future with.Ella
A good point Colette! Like I said, I’m aware its an insecurity thing, that I’m not enough for him to share with emotionally is the root of it. I feel as if I’ve been doing enough, I actively make plans to spend together and surprise him with gifts. I’ll have to think more on that though if that’s the case, but I guess I feel like I’m not emotionally enough for him that he needs all these other friendships with women.
Maddie
That’s a good introspective observation.
Having friends, especially old friends who were around prior to a romantic relationship, isn’t about a partner or what they can or can’t give you. Love and friendship aren’t finite, and it’s better to not have (or put) the pressure on only one person to be everything. Support networks are awesome. I assure you his friendships have nothing to do with you or whether or not he’s happy with you. Would you be questioning your worth if every one of these friendships was with a man? He’s not thinking about these women romantically, so since he’s done what he can to make you feel secure, it shouldn’t be any different. Plus, if he ditched his old friends for you or expected you to do the same, that would be an enormous red flag.
There may be a reason you feel love, friendship, and connections are scarce, that has nothing to do with your bf. You’ve communicated with him what you need and it sounds like he obliged because he’s a good guy. So now what are you going to do on your end to process your feelings around the issue?
In regards to your issues with the one friend who was talking about her parents, is it possible she’s sometimes socially awkward and meant no harm by bringing them up?
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