Bf just ghosted, need friendly support

Hey Ashley,

I’m very sorry you’re going through this. I DO understand a bit because I HAD someone in my life who sounds a lot like this. We knew each other since we were both 15 years old and we always ended up getting back to each other at some point until a couple years ago when I just stopped it. We’re both 35 now so it was almost 20 years of this weird dynamic before I said “no more.” The most important question I have for you before I say anything is, where is he in relation to you now? Do you two live close to each other since he’s been your boyfriend most recently? xo

Ashley, sorry this is happening to you. You say he does this to all women. This is pretty big drama. Can you see this was never going to end well? The real question is are you now going to leave this behind and only deal with men who treat you well and have sane relationship history or are you going to repeat the pattern? I hope you can love yourself more than to do this again or go back to him.

Ashley, from your photo you are just adorable. You don’t have to take crap from anyone.

What exactly do you think LOVE is? Something for you to ponder.This situation does not feel like real love and certainly not unconditional love. Unconditional love doesn’t mean chucking boundaries and caution to the wind and taking everything someone dishes out.

And you are NOT powerless. You are only powerless if you choose that. Make another choice.

The guy I was talking about in my life was a comfort BECAUSE of our history. He’s who I turned to when things were going wrong with whomever I was with at the time. He knew me longer than anyone else and we’d always had a connection. But he was ALWAYS a “lady’s man” and the only time that we were a “couple” it was an LDR, we were super young and he cheated on me like 6 times. BUT when the time came, I was back in touch and looking to him to make me feel good and it always worked. It was comforting in a weird, unhealthy way.

What you should ask yourself is, “If I just met him now, without ALL the history, would I, or SHOULD I, give him the time of day?” The answer may or may not surprise you.

Hugs to you, lady. xo

Lady T, that is such a great point!! that’s kind of what I was looking for as a tool to help me so thank you very much for that. the answer is absolutely not if I just met him with no history I’d never give him a second thought I would think he was a coward & a jerk who didn’t care about anyone’s feelings & had serious deep dark issues! that just helped me thank you I tried to do something like that the other day because I saw it on one of my reality shows someone asked the girl if you had 100 guys at your door, would you accept this behavior & the girl was like HELL no. Hugs to you too xoxo

M, Thank you very much. I know he doesn’t deserve me. I don’t understand what is WRONG with him , why he has these weird insecurity issues that cause him to treat others like this, I’m pretty good at pscyhology but I do not know the term for what he is lol. Yes and I agree it does sound like an addiction. in the past what I did was just be really really logical with myself & just try to make myself happy & I am good at it, for a while , then I feel the love feelings. For me mostly I just try to pound logic in my head. Thank you very much!!! xoxo

Ashley, you are doing well to work this out here. You are being honest. You are taking feedback positively. You are being productive. I see you progress with each post you write. Good for you. You’re going to be OK. Hang in there. Time heals. Hugs.

Good for you, Ashley! I just hope you really understand that you deserve better. You grew up with him, so you know more about him than a lot of people do. But if it was really meant to work out for you two, 10 years should have been enough time, imo. AND you wouldn’t have to question so much now. And you’re young and absolutely gorgeous! And just maybe you’ve outgrown the relationship.. xo

I love that you read all those texts and saw how boring he is. I usually delete texts but maybe it’s worth keeping them in case of these situations. It sounds like he wasn’t nearly reciprocating what you gave him…not even a simple compliment or word of appreciation. LAME!

You will still have moments of missing him, I’m sure… keep this post close so you can read it and maybe even keep his texts if it’s not going to cause you pain.

I’m so happy for you that you’ve come to see this realization.. the oxytocin will take a while to wear off but you are good at re-focusing on the logical again. Well done

Stephanie, Thank you so much it means a lot!!

Katie, omg that is so true!!!!!!!! that is exactly what it is!!!!! I try to be as logical of a person as I possibly can be, and he is SO VAGUE and so hard to read, a man of few words literally, and I am very expressive and discriptive so it’s as if his lack of clarity confuses me SO BADLY to the point where I blame myself because it makes no sense .. I think if something makes absolutely no sense at all that I analyze & rack my brain & it still makes no rational sense that it must be my fault & that somehow I must be the reason he treats me so weird. When in reality I am so direct all the time there is no possible way it could be of my doing.

Lady T, thank you!!!

jane2, aww thank you for the compliments! yes you are right I am WAY too giving absolutely! I can see that now through the texts because I was always sharing photos, thoughts, etc & he never said much of anything! well he didnt mean im too perfect like that he meant that he thought i was too good to be true because this ex gf cheated on him and made him have the trust issues so now when a relationship goes well he thinks its not authentic so he self-sabotages it. thats how he explained it to me last february. i wasnt interested in his crap then so i didnt pay as good as attention as i should have but i think that was the main point of his explanation. you’re right he doesnt put any work he has this lazy/spoiled mentality he wants the girl to do all the work. he doesnt want to initiate anything. when you dont initate with him he gets pouty like why arent you texting me? its weird i had never seen a guy act pouty like that before!!

M, exactly!! thank you!!

It seems like these crazy guys all have some things in common (I’m talking about your guy and a lot of the guys that people post about, men I have dated and realized they were not good boyfriends…)

-Manipulative
-Vague (whether it’s not talking much, or being talkative but speaking in confusing ways, using misleading language or contradictory language – like the guy who says he loves her, sleeps with her, then says she;s not marriage material the next morning)
-using subtle ways to keep you hooked in some way (another form of manipulation)

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Hugs.

The above posters made all good points so I would also say take this and read it again when you feel blue.

A little background on me might help you. I was a career woman – fiercely independent. I traveled to China by myself to give you a better picture.

Then I met a man that I fell in love with – head over heels, the love of my life. We were married for 17 years, had 3 children and weathered many many issues. I thought we would be together until the end. To me in many ways he was the sun and I was in orbit around him. And yes, I do believe he loved me too.

At about year 15 I noticed a shift. He had dramatically changed careers so I thought that was it….but it wasn’t. Looking back I know that was when he opened himself to the possibility of another relationship, but I didn’t know or didn’t want to know.
In his previous job he had worked with all men and now he was working with a mix of men and women. Sometimes he would talk about his different relationships at work and ask my opinion which I would give (some of these work relationships were women so I gave him the woman’s point of view).

Then came his reunion. I was happy for him to attend and see what his classmates had been up to…I had gone to mine and had the time of my life. He came back extremely happy and told me about several people…one of those being his old flame. I thought nothing about it.

After this he kept contact with several old classmates (which I was happy about for him) which included his old flame. He would tell me about what they were up to including her. Then I felt a second shift.

He was online for long periods of time. When I would question this he would cheerfully put my concerns to rest…no worry…no worry.

Then came the distance…it was so tangible I could cut it with a knife. He became short with me – this was not the man cave style I became used to….this was very different. Looking back I know he was distancing himself for the break.

I would ask him what was going on and he would not want to communicate. I knew something was terribly wrong so I asked to go to marriage counseling. We went but I think now it was too late. He did not really participate, he was closed off too much.
In counseling he blamed me for the relationship problems saying I did not know how to make him happy. The counselor told him that was not my job and he did not want to go to counseling anymore.

Long story short he told me he was not in love with me anymore, oh he loved me but was not in love. He wanted out. Of course it hurt like hell, but I was also expecting it by the way all of it fell. We had always agreed that we would leave before cheating on each other and I know he did not technically cheat but emotionally he was in a relationship with his old flame. Yes, he admitted to it.

I told him that I truly loved him and would try anything to make our marriage work but he had already made up his mind that I was not what he wanted anymore. Given that I have never been a person to cling so I said ok. Our three children were devastated and were left with me. He moved into an apartment and did not contact the children even though he promised to do so. I called him several times and reminded him that the children were hurting and missed him but he made excuses and did not contact them.
Before then I was hurt….but when I saw my children hurting I saw red…as a mama bear no one was going to hurt my kids…that is when my anger came out.

Now to get to the part that I think may apply to you. I went from a independent woman to a partner and wife. I was embedded in my marriage and had learned to rely and trust someone else. Suddenly I was faced with making life on my own with 3 children and a job. I was scared…logically I knew better…that if my car died in the middle of the street I would call a tow truck instead of my husband but it felt so empty. I had learned to bring someone in close to me and now I had to deal on my own.

Logically, I had relied on myself before and I knew I could rely on myself again but emotionally I had not caught up.

It took about a year of various experiences for my emotions to catch up with the logic and now I am stronger than ever. I could go to the moon now – lol.

I can fully understand how you feel mixed feelings. Especially since there is no clean end in sight…just more of the same. It really all boils down to what you really want for you. That is where the boundaries come in. What do you accept and what do you not accept given the long term nature of your relationship? You know that if you accept the same then the same will happen…and that is ok if it is what you want. For example, I will not accept having a drug addict in my life – that is a deal breaker for me. What are your deal breakers?

As a wise person once said, “if you want to change the dance you have to take different steps.”

M , Ruth & Sue thank you so much so much for your responses and sharing your incredible stories!! I relate so much to what you ladies are saying!!!

I am sad today waking up knowing that this is the first day we are done. What feels even more weird is he didn’t break up with me, there was no conversation, like if I were a person who was extremely busy & just didn’t text him yesterday, I wouldn’t even KNOW this was going on. It’s just like a slap in the face. He has done this to me before, so you would think it would be easy but it’s not. This may have been stupid but last night before I went to bed I tried to text him one last time, mostly just like wishing he would show some respect & to clarify that we’re done. Also, since I would never admit I actually looked at his instagram & saw the other girls etc, like if I never looked, I’d be genuinely clueless. So I sort of act as though I literally did not know what the deal was. I knew he wouldn’t respond but I did it to at least try once more for some sort of clarification & maybe there was a 1% chance he would. I made this text as literal as possible so that he wouldn’t even have to explain (I just acted like hey are we together or are you just being weird & not talking for a day) this is the text I sent: Can you at least tell me if we’re still together or not? Can you simply text me the word “single” or “taken” so I know what I am? Lol thanks *with a thumbs up emoji* maybe another reason I did that was so I look in control of my emotions, like in the past I reacted so emotionally & pleaded with him & this time the only things I have said are totally just logical. It may sound ridiculous but the fact I haven’t showed him my emotional outburst gives me some dignity. The other thing I said hours before that was “I noticed you’ve been ignoring me since last night. I don’t know why you’d be ignoring me but ok” so at least it makes me feel a little bit of dignity knowing I tried to address the situation twice in a calm manner. Today is my first day of no contact so I am hoping it will make me feel better to not be the one trying & reaching out. I am also going to try to resist the temptation to check his instagram & see what crap he is doing. One thing I keep remembering is how in the fall the thing I said where he said he promised to not talk to other girls then in a matter of seconds I saw he hit on a random girl telling her to check her messages. That reminds me the FACT that no matter what he says he did not actually intend on being true to me. I have to just keep remembering what he does. 2 summers ago I also have to remember that while I thought we were having an amazing relationship, I found out he was seeing this girl & having a relationship with her! He erased all her comments & dumped her to appease me but I actually felt bad for the girl because she probably thought they had a great thing going. I just have to keep reminding myself of the cold hard truth!!!