Bf just ghosted, need friendly support

Ashley,

Was there anytime you remember him treating you as your best friend described? Did your best friend ever tell you to leave him? I am so sorry.

M,

I have no words….horrible, shocking, monster, soul sucker just doesn’t say it – I think emotional vampire in its worse sense when I read what you wrote. That man is sick.

Hi Ashley,
Sorry to hear what you’re going through and it’s great to see you’re taking all the necessary steps. Your story is SO familiar to me that i just had to write. I’m sure you know by now that this is not what true love is. From a psychological perspective it is an addiction. Pure and simple and you have to treat it as such. It will be a hard addiction to beat because it has developed over years of conditioning, high highs and low lows. That anxiety you feel when he’s slipping away, that euphoric rush you feel when things are good. Your brain is addicted and you need to beat it cold turkey. The withdrawal phase will be painful, it always is, but you must take all measures not to reinforce your habit and prolong your withdrawal. As you have already begun to do that means avoiding all addiction stimuli eg. seeing his face (instagram), hearing his voice in your head (reading old texts), etc etc. As they say to all addicts its all about recognising your addiction triggers and avoiding them and developing coping mechanisms to get through this period of withdrawal. You know this guy is no good for you but because of your kind nature and looong history you only remember the good times because that is how the brain works. But now you have had your breakthrough. You’re living your life addiction free and it will get easier as time goes on. You are gorgeous and have everything going for you so it is only a matter of time until you find someone with all the positive things you liked about your ex but none of the negative things. And when that happens you must be healthy and addiction free and ready to accept it. (I took the analogy a bit far but you get my point lol). Good luck!

Jocelyn, It makes me SO SO happy to know that this is helping you get through your difficult time. Thank you SO much!! We’ll get through it together! hugs

Lola, Yes it is getting a TON better by not checking his instagram anymore! Honestly even though it’s only been a couple days that I haven’t checked, that is more effective than no contact! Because with contact he can portray himself any way he wants to, but his social media tells the truth so when I would look at that, every time I got hurt all over again, I kept getting exposed like I was still in his world. Now that I stopped & I literally have NO IDEA what he is doing or thinking, I no longer feel stuck in his web. I feel we are completely separate! Thank you so much for taking the time to write that, it makes so much sense!!

Have a great time and update us on the details…

Ashley,
This is something I hope helps everyone. I pay VERY close attention to what a man does early on. When they are just getting to know you, they are on their best behavior.

He should have told you he was going to have to work late and suggest an alternative time to see you (and by that I mean take you out!)

I would never let a guy just come over, so early on in the getting to know each other stages. It is such a lazy date and screams of booty call/hookup. If we don’t show a man we are deserving of respect and consideration, they won’t give it. And we teach them this from our first meetings!

You are in a vulnerable place (understandably) right now. But you are setting yourself up for another “Nick” if you don’t command respect (and you do this by valuing yourself for the amazing person you are, and realizing you are worth so much better). Please stop tolerating pretty words and no real worthwhile behavior from guys.

This is garbage, and I am not at all impressed by this guy. I really think you need to be careful right now with just getting out of a relationship, you are ripe to be taken advantage of. Time alone is the best way to reflect and reallize what you need to do differently (for yourself).

Continue to see friends and have fun, but I think dating right now is dangerous for you

Hi Ashley,
Ok, I didn ‘t realize that. That makes the situation a little different. But do you really think you could just have sex with him without feelings developing? Just asking, maybe you can, I don’t know. If you can, then just be careful.

I still think he was inconsiderate.

I am having a really nice day. I just got beautiful cards and gifts from my mom, son, and sister. And my wonderful BF just sent a lovely card and my favorite.. 2 big boxes of gourmet chocolate dipped strawberries :)

I have no complaints right now

Today I’m in such a weird mood. Luckily I’ve never had any Valentine’s Day memories with Nick, so it’s not that, it’s just a heavy, negative vibe I feel today. As soon as I woke up today I wondered how he felt today, like if he thought of me on this day at all or if he’s just in his own world. Tonight is officially 3 weeks since he’s been at my house. In my opinion weeks go by SO fast, but it seems like it’s been way longer than that. I also just counted that it’s been 9 days since he’s said a word to me. Again, it seems WAY longer than that! However I believe the last time I texted HIM was last Sunday. So it hasn’t actually been that long since I haven’t made contact but it seems like FOREVER! Honestly I thought it was at least 2 weeks by now but I was wrong. To know the fact that LAST WEEKEND was the last time I reached out to him… it’s surreal… it feels likea lifetime ago. It’s discouraging. I feel like I’ve came so far in a week which I’m proud of but the fact I feel like this right now & it’s only been a week of me not “trying” makes me feel down. When I really realize that it hasn’t been that long yet that we haven’t spoken or actually even seen each other (considering to me weeks go by like days) it’s making me feel weird. Maybe I’m just starting to get PMS or something, but I’m definitely feeling weak today, like missing him/thinking about him. Today was supposed to be the next time we’d spend time together but again I don’t think it’s that that is bothering me. I know there is nothing to *miss* like if we were talking it would be the same old stuff. I’m just feeling sad. I’m not tempted to reach out to him or anything like that, but I guess I am just feeling like WOW it seems like FOREVER since we’ve spoken & it’s kinda disappointing to know it hasn’t been that long at all. I feel sort of teary eyed? Not sure what’s exactly going on with me right now. I’m also not tempted to check his instagram which is a good thing, I can’t pinpoint exactly what I feel *weak* about I just feel extra lonely.

Ashley, I’m so sorry. But as M said, what you are feeling is normal. It’s Valentines day, you just had a recent breakup. Even though he’s a real piece of worrk, it’s going to hurt. You are not only going through the withdrawal of being in a an emotionally addictive relationship, but you are going through the grieving process.

It takes time for our hearts to catch up with our heads. We can intellectually know someone is bad for us, and we are better off without them. But that doesn’t make the hurt just disappear. But remembering how awful he is, can help build up some scar tissue around your hurting heart -so it can begin to heal and become stronger.

The end of any realtionship is like experiencing a death. It comes in ebbs and waves. One moment you may feel a little euphoric that you are free and it’s over, the next numb, then ambivalent, then angry, sad, lonely, anxious or any combination thereof. Unfortunately it is a process, and you have to go through it. There really isn’t any way to shortcut it. Because if you do, it will creep into new relationships and situations until you’ve fully dealt with it.

Talking/writing it out is cathartic. So is spending time with friends, being good to yourself, and balancing keeping busy with finding downtime to relax.

Hugs, and I really do understand.

Hi
I think I need some support over the next few weeks… In my 40’s, separated, I met a great guy online in the same situation.although we lived on opposite sides of the world, we fell in love. He emailed me every day, we phoned,he often said he could’nt believe that I would fall for him, and didn’t think I would be interested in him.I flew 24 hours to meet him after a year of a fantastic courtship. We had a great time together, and continued our relationship for another 4 months, until a misunderstanding led him to ask for a 4 week break at the end of October. I said I respected his need for space, even though I was naturally hurt I never heard from him again. I emailed him in January, no reply, the next day I emailed him again from my work email, in case he had blocked me, and said, I hoped he had sorted himself out, told him about my holidays and said that I hoped he was ok, because I know he is not the type of man to just leave me hanging. He emailed back, said he was sorry, he would always loved me, but his estranged wife wanted to work thins out, and some things aren’t meant to be. He also said he was deleting his online chat account in a few days time. I told him how disappointed I was that he didn’t tell me this at the start of the ‘break period’, and left me in limbo all that time, I wished him well and said goodbye.Fast forward to last Friday, and I jumped online on chat, just to talk to people, and take my mind off him. Straight away, I see his name in the main chat area, with a kind of flirty two line convo with another woman.He must of jumped off as soon as he saw me log in, but the damage was done. I now see him as a someone who must have lied to me the whole time, and have found out that he flirted while with me. I just can’t come to terms with how or why someone would play with someones mind and heart like this. I gave my heart and soul to him, something I have never found easy to do, but it had felt so right with him, he said all the right things and fell hard first (or so he said). Although we have been apart months now, I can’t stop thinking about him or analysing things. My head tells me that e played me all along, but my heart won’t let go.I still love him, I get hurt then angry, then hurt all over again!I have not contacted him since the final mail I sent after the breakup, but after seeing him in the chatsite, I’m trying hard not to send a harsh email that I will regret. I so much want to keep my dignity, but would like him to know that I now know the last nearly 2 years of my life were a play is his warped game, and they are years I can’t get back, along with my trust. Thoughts?

Fate, I’m really sorry for what you’re going through :( I know how you feel. You can start your own thread though so the topics don’t get confused.

Stay strong and don’t check any of his social media. I know its hard. But you know it will only make you feel worse.

Regardless of whether he posts “sad missing my girl” or “happy having the time of my life” stuff. It’s all nonsense.

Narcissists, which we have no doubt he is now, love a good mind screw. It’s almost all they do.

Just remember-everything he does is solely and completely about him. He does not (is not capable) of truly caring for anyone else. They can fake it really well for awhile, when it suits them. But it is all fake.

Think of that every second you miss him

I did that excercise with my psycho ex. I will never entertain the thought of him in my life ever again, because I knoww he never really cared for or valued me.

I have now said, every day for over 10 years….good riddance to bad rubbish.

Catching up here so forgive the delay.

Oh man….new guy had to work….and I was all set to hear about what a great time you had….damn. You need other friends with different hours….

You should be proud of yourself for not looking even if tempted. That shows how strong you have gotten! Good job!

I am so glad you are writing how you feel and keeping us posted. I know that reading your posts helps me to better understand how others feel as well and the process/journey they have to go through. Thank you for sharing so I can learn more.

I’m still having a lot more weak moments than I’m comfortable with today. I keep having flashbacks of conversations we had years ago, before he became this way, just him being sweet, genuine, & innocent, when he totally adored me & would do anything for me. He would talk to me for hours if you told me that in a few years he would be ignoring me, I would’ve thought you were crazy. I wish I appreciated those times more. I just never thought he would change into a different person. But I mean really who could’ve predicted that. I just keep remembering certain parts of sweet conversations before he became the person he is today. The way I can best describe it is imagine he was this sweet little boy who was innocent & just the sweetest thing…..& then turned into a teenager who was cruel & insensitive…& you’re like but what happened to my sweet little boy?? he has to still be in there somewhere!! That’s how I feel about him in this situaton, I don’t have children but I feel a motherly sensation if that makes sense. Like he used to be a wonderful kind child & now an awful person. I just feel really sentimental right now & wish I could go back a few years ago before he started being manipulative. I feel like I didn’t appreciate him enough when he was a good person it’s almost like I took him for granted & now everything is totally different. I feel SUPER teary eyed right now. I hope it’s mostly just PMS starting. I REALLY hate being this way. I know logically there is no payoff from going there but it just happened. I started remembering conversations from when we were younger as I was grocery shopping