Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Bf just ghosted, need friendly support
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redcurleysue
Don’t feel stupid Ashley. Being a human being who cared for another human being is never stupid.
Just know this period is going to take as long as it takes. You are on a ride – up and down and around and around…but slowly…bit by bit you are closer to waking up one day and feeling different, better than you have in a long time.
Day at a time….
Ashley
Thank you Sue I am currently feeling much better and happy!! I don’t know how or why but I’ll take it!!! haha
Ashley
Ok so ya know when my gut would tell me previously to look & it was when I always found new information about him hitting on a girl? Well I found something else out! I’m convinced I’m psychic because he JUST did all this 45 min ago. He followed a page with memes on it & just telling you right now the language is disgusting. He mentioned his friend on one that says “I will f*** you good on purpose then block your number.” I’ve mentioned before he’s blocked my number a few times, I’m not sure if he currently has my number blocked, but it doesnt matter the fact that he thinks it’s funny or cool to say to have sex with a girl “good” on purpose to get her excited then BLOCK HER NUMBER. I have no words. that is the sickest thing ever. TRASH. The next post he mentioned his friend on said “why did God give all the good p**** to bipolar b******” and Nick commented “I stuck my dick in crazy” to his friend. I am pretttyyyyyy sure these things are about me and if he was alone on valentines day then I doubt he wouldve had time to have a “crazy” experience with a female in 3 days. I am SO offended right now. Anyone who would say those things does not deserve to have a penis & frankly should be castrated with a dull sledgehammer. Either that is about me, which I think it is, or it’s about another girl either one is equally horrible obviously. That COMPLETELY demonstrates his lack of respect for women period. I am SO GLAD I saw that disgusting stuff. That was honestly the BEST THING EVER for me to see to slap some sense into me. That crushes any nurturing/understanding/loving feelings I have like holy crapppppp. That also describes my odd feeling I’ve had lately! I was perplexed because I felt connected in some way even though he wasn’t talking to me, well apparently he was talking ABOUT me. OR, if it’s about another girl, he’s equally a disgusting vulgar piece of trash. SO GROSS!!!! I’m so happy I followed my instinct to look & see what a TRULY disgusting person he is like there is just no words. Best thing EVER for me to see, seriously. before it’s like deep down I wished we could have talked but now I never ever ever want to talk to him ever again!!!!
ChicagoGirl16
He has a lot of characteristics of my crazy ex. I dated the guy on and off for 3 years, it was BAD. Luckily I finally walked away for good a year ago. They do this stuff on purpose, to hurt you. It’s a sick game to them. They hurt you so they can weaken you then have that power over you. I’m glad you’ve broken up and I hope you stay broken up. Sorry I can’t post more now, but will be back later.
Allison
This is not a healthy relationship. I know you love him very much and there is nothing wrong with yyou. Your boyfriend is manipulative and mentally abusive . Instead of actually bbeing physically abusive your boyfriend uses his words and then prays on your self-esteem like a yo-yo. I know because I was in a relationship like this and the guy did the same things to me your boyfriend is doing. I felt like I was reading a book about my life when I read your story. I know you are smart and I am not doubting that the love is not true. Honestly love should not hurt so much if it is right. I am not saying tthere won’t be ups and downs because every relationship has them. Love is effortless when it is right. If you want your man back ddon’t call or text him because that’s what he expects you to do because it is a game to him and he knows you well. He likes to be in control and he is running your relationship. Younneed to take back control to turn the tables on him. The best thing to do is ignore him for now even tthough it is going to hurt. Keep your self-esteem busy and active he will come around wwhen he sees you going on with your life and be begging you back. Men like to chase. I am not trying to hurt your feelings this is just my opinions. All the stuff I am telling you is from experience with relationships some good some bad. I know it is hard not to hear from the person you love most and care about. It feels like your whole day is messed up. You have to make your man miss you. He will come back they always do. I don’t know your situation only what you mentioned go with what you feel is right because it is your life and you have to do what is best for you right now you are too emotional and somethingtthat messes up judgement you just have to give it time to see how and where it goes. Good luck with your relationship I do know what you are going through I been through this before and did helpme grow and learn. I know you will be okay aand you will get through this. It will makeyyou stronger. Focus on you! Even if it is something new put you first then you can work on your rrelationship with your man. He will be back.
ChicagoGirl15
I am going to share more of my story with you, maybe you will see some similarities of your ex in it and it will help you in some way. I have not been involved with this man in over a year and I thank my lucky stars every day that I FINALLY saw what a nut job he really is and that I finally realized that he is royally screwed up and it was nothing to do with me.
I met M at work in 2004. He and I were work friends for years, he was married so that was that. He was “wild” and loud at work, but overall a fun guy to be around. In 2008 he divorced, but I was in a relationship so he started dating another coworker. They got serious fast and he moved her in. By 2011 I was single and he and I started dating. I was kinda concerned because I had heard he had anger issues and had hit his ex wife. I let it go because at the time it was just rumors.
We dated for all of 6 weeks and everything was wonderful, he didn’t pressure me for sex like I thought he would, he texted every day, all was well. Then, like your guy, he just POOF! disappeared. I gave it a few days, asked what was up and he eluded me and said he was dealing with some things. I let it be and gave him space. A week later and still no contact I had had it and asked again what was up. He finally admitted that his ex wife had gotten into trouble (thrown in jail for drug use) and that he bailed her out and moved her back in. I was devastated but they have a kid together (he has custody) so I said “whatever”. Keep in mind,his wife is in her 40s, has never had her own home (always lives with relatives), no job, druggie, and doesn’t even have custody of either of her kids. I hate to brag on myself, but I am attractive, financially secure, have lived on my own since I was 18, college educated, I’m a catch compared to her. So, to be left for “That” was a slap in the face but I blamed it on their shared history and the fact that they have a kid together.
Fast forward, 6 weeks later he finally reaches back out to me, while she’s living with him!! He gives me the typical boo hoo story, he’s unhappy, he misses me, etc. We start seeing each other again, all while she’s living with him, and talking at work again. He tells me he was going to kick her out after Christmas, which was a few weeks away. He keeps good on that promise but that is when I finally start to see what a nut job he is.
Kicks her out, takes up with me, and immediately starts acting like a jerk. Hateful to me, cancelling plans, not talking to me for days, etc.
This back and forth continued for THREE YEARS and sadly I let it. He would be with me for 2-3 weeks, dump me for no reason, take back up with his ex wife, move her back in, be blowing my phone up while with her, dump her, kick her out, start back up with me, over and over and over for 3 years.
He would intentionally hurt me. He KNOWS I am a catch and way too good for him. I earn twice what he does, I get to take vacations all the time, I was confident, I didn’t chase him, etc. He knew he had to figure out a way to “control” me and gain power over me, cause that is what abusers do (and no, he never hit me but he definitely displayed extreme anger with me. However, according to police reports that I finally went to review–yes, he DID hit his ex wife). So, what did he do to gain that control over me? He used the ONE thing that was a “flaw” in me. I am attractive but I am small chested. So, every time he would beg me back and I would say “no”, he would use my chest size against me to gain the upper hand. He would tell me “IF you would get implants I would marry you” or “Until you get implants, no man is going to stay with you” or my favorite “You have a nice a$$ and pu##y but until you get implants you will always be single”. This was the ONLY way the sicko new to “knock me down”. Unlike his jobless, homeless, druggie ex wife, he could only find this pathetic way to break me down. With her he can throw her lack of job and home in her face to convince her to come back to him.
FINALLY, praise the lord, after 3 years I saw what a complete dumba$$ and worthless loser this man is. He is in constant rotation of women still to this day, I know becasue he still blows my phone up and while I have left that job, I am still friends with people there and they tell me. It is all about control for him. The sicko would blow my phone up for WEEKS begging me back then the second I went back, he would end it literally in days. It was just a game to him. He wanted me when he couldn’t have me then when he had me, the fun was over. He also always brings home girls from bars, one night he went so far after I turned him down to send me a video of him screwing a girl he just met that night. He seriously recorded their s3x and sent the video to me. It’s all just a game…
He still to this day texts me to ask me back!!! I block him and he borrows friends phones to text me and goes as far as to buy those “pay as you go phones” to text me. I really think this will go on for years. He wants me because he can’t have me but sure enough if I were to cave, he would talk to me for like a week then be gone again or either keep harping on me to get implants. He can go to he!!. 3 years ago I was madly in love with this man and then all of a sudden one day I just really didn’t care anymore. After months of crying and asking “why” I just really didn’t care. I felt nothing for him. YOu will get there too!!!
Violet123
I have been dating this man for 9 mos 3 mos in Ireceived a text meant for another woman..I froze where I was. Everything was as perfect can be we were going at a nice slow pace then all trust went through the door. We ment online and all the necessary questions ,that needed asking i did asked. I do know im very keen when dating for the first time because of past experiences.He suggest for me to hang in there. I GOT OUT OF MYSELF AND CALLED THE WOMAN. I was very polite , she clearly admit they are just friends. after calling him for hours with not responses after i called her he then called me.. i do love him but i dont trust him.
why would this ex of his said they are friends then slept with him. i have watched him sadden by whats rejection she gives him after he would sleep with her. he eventually told me he had feelings for her but they couldnt be together . we started getting back on track he has been very attentive to me after he admit sleeping with her. i heard him told his cousin hes here with his woman but he would never tell me whats that about? he never calledme his woman ever. its like every 3 mnths he would sleep with her. the last time he slept and spent the night. and the day before i was with him. everything was smoth and nice. he called me at work and told me hes going to his friend in Queens they are having a barbeque, i knew it wasnt so it the dead of winter. i told him i have noproblem spending time with his friens just as long as its the truth. why do yu think he run to her each time she calls him then he lies to me? some one please help the trust on both parties has died. VIOLET123Ashley
Allison, thanks for your post. After what I saw last night that he has absolutely NO respect, I don’t have to worry about being tempted to text him because at this point I don’t want to talk to such a disgusting person, ever.
Chicagogirl, Wow thank you for telling me your story! That guy is insane! I can’t imagine having a brain with NOTHING better to do than mess with women’s head’s and lives for fun. I’ll never understand these guys!!!
Ashley
I’m grateful that what I saw last night made me MAD. I’ve come to the realization that in order to get over something of this nature you have to get MAD. When you’re sad you are still desperate for love you can’t get & you’re weak because you want something that you know you shouldn’t want but you still do. All around you just feel like shit. You’re trying to combat the feelings you naturally have, so it’s an uphill battle. When you’re sad you’re not putting out your sense of self worth cause you still wish things could be different even though logically you know better. When you’re MAD however, it’s different because when you’re mad you FINALLY take pride in who you are. When you find your anger you find your self-esteem in a situation. You don’t have that same self respect or self worth when you’re sad. I’m convinced to get over this you gotta get to the point you’re MAD. You take back your own internal power that before was going to someone else. Me by myself I’ve always had VERY high self esteem my whole life, too much so at times lol and the SECOND I get into a relationship, you would think I had hardly any! I see now that who I truly am and how I think/behave in a bad relationship conflict sooooooo drastically
the takeaway was “I stuck my dick in crazy” either he is talking about me or another girl either one is disgusting. The thought of him having sex with another girl so recently AND the thought of him speaking of me that way is disgusting. I WISH he would say that to my face I would tell him to stick it in a meatgrinder instead!! :)
if he’s talking about me, that’s maddening. I’ve never behaved “crazy” to him, the only thing I ever acted was “needy” at the end but that wasn’t naturally needy it was circumstantial due to him suddenly ignoring me! I was always just honest about how I felt, loving, understanding, and vulnerable. Even at my neediest moment, everything I said made sense.
I told my best guy friend everything & he said “That explains everything! It’s like he’s trying to flip the script with all these subliminals! There’s no way it could be about another girl, not in less than 2 weeks. He’s probably been trying to paint you as crazy to his friends this entire time, and he’s trying to add credibility to it by throwing himself a pity party on instagram. Now watch it’s only a matter of time until he comes crawling back under the guise of some nonsense. “
Ashley
violet, not sure if you will check back on this post but it seems to me something fishy is going on and since you cant trust him that is most likely your gut telling you the answer. if he is going back & forth it means he wants what he cant have & he doesnt actually WANT a monogamous relationship. he is telling you that with his actions. I think you should leave him, it sounds messy. :( you never want to feel like you are a second choice. you said he feels rejected by her? and crawls back to her, while lying to you? it sounds like he wants her but is just staying with you out of convenience. it doesn’t sound like he is in the place for a relationship & you’d be better off without him. you can’t let him use you while he wants her. it will be hard because you love him but you deserve to be with a man who wants to be with you, knows it, & treats you well!
redcurleysue
Hi Ashley,
I am glad you are getting angry…to see he has no right to say or do the things he does. You are a precious gift to someone and should be treated that way.
I am curious – what if he did contact you today? What would you do?
Ashley
Sue, thank you!! that’s kind of you xoxo
I would ignore him. But since I’m not good at ignoring, and if I felt like I needed to say something, like if he started with the marry me have my baby stuff he usually says when trying to talk to me again I would say:
“blah blah blah blah. Prove it. The only thing you’ve proven is you lie to me then ignore me. Words mean nothing you use them to manipulate me & feed me bullshit. If you want me all to yourself put a *ring emoji* on my finger. Anything less serves me no purpose.”
lol I know I wouldn’t want to be married to a man with his current character traits, I’m just saying, I would probably say that as a generic text to ANY man who mislead me at this point. I’m sick of being sweet I just wanna be sassy!! lol seriously, every boyfriend I have tells me all this stuff they all wanna marry me all wanna have kids with me it’s like either step up or f*** off lol I’m over it!! & it feels good!! :)
redcurleysue
We will call you Sassy Ashley – lol.
Ashley
Sue, yes hahaha I like it! that’s how I used to be but then I started being all accommodating & passive the past few years .. & that’s when I started to have problems with guys .. I like the old me wayyyy better hahaha it sure does feel better! Today I have felt “normal” like now that I think about it, I actually haven’t thought about him today!! He entered my mind a couple times but I didn’t put any thinking into it, they were just fleeting thoughts like just his name *Nick*
Other days even if I feel in a decent mood I’m still obsessed with the situation all day long (as you could tell because I’m always venting about it lol) always analyzing, always thinking in some way about it, but today I haven’t been stressing about the situation at all, it’s like I’ve accepted it. I’ve been more just into myself today and feeling amazing about myself. My dad took me out to breakfast this morning & I noticed a huge difference in how I just walked down the street & how people reacted to me & how I reacted to others. Lately I haven’t been making eye contact with people it’s like I’ve been just staring straight ahead & in my own thoughts but today I made sure I smiled to strangers & I could tell it brightened their day. I hope this lasts :) I owe it to seeing him say to his friend “I stuck my dick in crazy” that was just the straw that broke the camels back! if I didn’t see that I’d still be wondering but that was definitive proof of where his heads at! Once I really *get it* I accept it, and the more I accept it the better I feel
redcurleysue
My favorite saying to myself is “Everything is just as it should be.”
I have difficulties accepting things as they are in relation to some strange standards in my head of how they “should be” and it causes grief in my life.
So when I breathe and accept the world as it is I feel so much better.
Ashley
I like it! Something similar I saw the other day that I liked was “things are as they are, not what you want them to be”
redcurleysue
Thanks Ashley – I will have to remember that one too.
“Things are as they are, not what you want them to be”. I like it.
Ashley
this girl on instagram direct messaged me telling me that this guy who was commenting on my photos, did the same thing Nick did to me!!! she sent me a paragraph about how this guy posts stuff on instagram that he just wants to find a good girl etc but he did the same thing Nick did to me, he started COMPLETELY ignoring her, without ONE WORD. Wow like now I am seeing it from the outside perspective .. like when a guy hits on you & acts like he’s a “good guy” but he’s really another sociopath completely ignoring a good girl who cares for him. I thought Nick was the only one doing this (at least out of people I know lol) and this girl is going through the same thing!! A guy being like oh poor me I’m so lonely I just want something real….. then ignoring an awesome girl, without one word, all while hitting on a million random instagram girls! We are texting now and becoming friends lol .. I thought that was interesting, this is WAY more common than I thought!!! to have a guy doing the SAME EXACT THING
Ashley
hey ladies, I have a small update. Yesterday morning Nick texted me at 8 AM. I stared at the text for a while trying to think whose number it was & then realized it was him. He said hey. I responded hey. And that was it! He didn’t say anything more all day. I assume he only texted me to “test the waters” like reach out just to “get back in touch” like the “fast is over” .. I’m so happy I am now in the space where I wasn’t tempted to talk to him at all :) :) :) A week ago I honestly would’ve had trouble keeping it cool but now it came natural. I thought when he finally did reach out, I might have trouble holding back but nope! :) it just felt like receiving a text from an acquaintance. if he texts me again sometime in the next couple days, if I respond at all, I’ll be as one-word-answer and unemotional/couldn’t care less as possible. I just thought it was odd that he texted me first thing in the morning haha as opposed to in the afternoon or something.
Phillygirl
Ashley,
Don’t respond to him. Don’t reply in any way to a text, email, phonecall, letter, electronic post, candygram or anything else. Everything we need to say to someone who treats us and others badly can (and should be) said THROUGH SILENCE. Ignore him. He is dead to you. Get it-dead.
He is a NARCISSISTIC SOCIOPATH. Every interaction he has with you is purely for fun and torment on his part. He is playing with you (and not in a nice way). He is sick and demented. He doesn’t even know what real emotions consist of, because he doesn’t have them.
Have you eveer watched a cat play with a mouse or bug? It seems cute at first glance right? If you like cats, it does anyway. You think, awww-look at that cute little kitty. They you watch it trap, and let go, trap and let go. It will even let it’s prey get away for awhile to make the chase more fun, before it finally pounces-to destroy and eat!
This is the best analogy I have for a Narcissitc Sociopath. The end result is ALWAYS destruciton and devastation in their wake. Their path is littered with broken hearts and bodies. And lthey have ZERO REMORSE. Worse even, they get off on it and enjoy it.
You are playing right into his paws everytine you give a thought over to him. He knows you miss him. Prove him wrong. If it were me, I’d make sure that feral kitty caught itself in its own trap and never had access to my home, heart or thoughts again.
In fact, I did. And you know that he’s the father (sperm donor really, he has zero rights to the esteemed moniker of Father) of my son.
Stop being his plaything, And you still are as long as your thoughts are “the next time he reaches out, I may say or do this or this”. Don’t even let him reach out .If he extends a paw, stomp on it or cut if off. IGNORE HIM!
Please, please, please, for your own sake and sanity-from someone who’s lived it.
Raven
One word texts like ‘Hey’ – do not deserve a reply, ever.
Phillygirl
Exactly!
Ashley
Phillygirl, thanks for checking in and reminding me of the type of person he is!! what you said makes sense as to why he only said the word hey. a normal person would say something else even if it was just how are you. you’re so right it’s like he reached out because he figures it will make me believe there is “hope” or something twisted like that! thank you!! xoxo
Raven yea true you’re right. it was just a reflex.. but at least I didn’t say anything besides hey haha it couldve been worse!
redcurleysue
How long has he been gone again?
Ashley
Sue, 3 weeks of no contact until yesterday
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