Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › BF Revealed Sexual Past w Female Friend
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Newbie.
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Maria
OK, some back story:
My bf and I have been doing well these last few months. Back in March, he asked me about one of my male friends, who’s pics on ig I was liking. I told him he was a friend and I hadn’t seen him since 2018. This was true. He kept asking and asking and finally wanted to know where I had known him and if I was intimate with R. I finally told the truth since we were starting again, fresh and I wanted nothing but honesty. He insisted I block R, saying it made him uncomfortable. So i did. At the same time he has a femle friend, M, whom I felt uncomfortable with. She had texted him at 8am on a Sunday, when I was there, asking round about questions on what he was doing that day. He acted as if he didn’t know why she was texting. When he asked her what she wanted she told him calm down. When he didn’t answer she asked if I was there, then asking if I was going to help him get some stuff. I didn’t like this. She was also the same friend who encouraged him to think i was cheating months before when I showed proof I was not. And that led to the my walking away from him. This woman basically was just someone who, he says, was always asking for advice and being annoying.
He had always said they were friends, they met in a store, and had never been intimate. I finally called her to find out the truth she confirmed this. So here’s the problem.One day I notice he’s paying her $150. He had also said he never borrowed money from her. That was when I finally called. She said she was the one trying to get away from him. But that she knew he loved me and they had never been intimate. That she has alot of friends and was happy that I was taking him off HER hands. SHe also talked my ear off for 2 hours telling me her entire life story.
Fast forward to the next week and he finally says that yes they were intimate. But it was her, who jumped on him in a car. She was not drunk he was. I dump him. I text her and say that he revealed they were sleeping together. And he’s all hers now. She immediately texts me saying it was only once, she was drunk and he wasn’t big enough for her and not good in bed That she wanted to tell me the truth but lied for him. But after realizing the position he put HER in, she’s glad to tell me everything. That i need to run.
I’m so confused. I’ve taken him back, because after my last convo with her she inadvertently admitted to being the aggressor on more than one occasion. That he left her hanging and she was upset cause she had don’t “alot” for him. That she reached out saying “hey stranger” because he was quiet. He says she lied to him about being single, when she wasn’t. that she had condoms in the car. She says she became friends with him cause he had no money. And looked like a pill popper. He swore if he ever saw her he’d beat her ass for almost ruining us. She says the friendship is over. He says she told him to not bother with me.
I dropped my friend R because he felt uncomfortable. He said he does things differently than I do. And thanked me for getting rid of her for him. How it was hard with her around. That she was starting to feel the distance when he was pulling away. And yes he had borrowed from her.
I’m just confused. SHould I have stayed away? Were they intimate more than once? She helped him move and he had never told me that. Then when I asked him about her moving him he said she didn’t do anything special. She tells me he called her drunk complaining about how she didn’t see him in the hospital. He told me he got turned off when he learned she had 2 boyfriends and had lied about being single…
I’m just confused…I need some clarity…
Raven
Call him on his sh!t…
Lane
Sorry but I don’t see why you need to keep circling the drain? If your tired of it “let it go” by removing these people from your life if its giving you so much un-clarity.
Listen, he’s not a virgin, he banged her, so what. There are times when people struggle, and lean on others when they are down and out. They met when he was going through a rough spot, she loaned him some cash, and he’s repaying her. She got a little jealous when you entered the picture, ran away, then returned with a bulldozer. Quite frankly, its none of your business what they did BEFORE you met him, no differently than its none of his business what you and your friend did before you met him. So what, you both weren’t honest about your pasts, big whoop! It’s not lying, its intentionally not disclosing information that personally is none of each other’s business what you did, or who you did it with, before you met.
There’s a saying “if you don’t leave the past, in the past, it will destroy your future.” Reflect on that for a bit, and that will give you the clarity you are seeking.
Either the two of decide to distance yourselves from her, and leave her in the past, and move forward; or stay stuck on the drama wheel—your choice.
Maria
Yes none of us need to care about our past. I didnt care about who she was until he made such a big deal about R. Meanwhile, the entire time he was forcing me to leave and block R, he was borrowing money (hundreds) and lying about having been intimate with her KNOWING he didn’t like it that I had. I asked him from day one if he was intimate w her. His response at one point was “what difference does it make”. He told me they met in the street. She agreed. Then he tells me they met online and he was interested until he saw she had 2 boyfriends, and condoms in the car. Yet he stayed talking to her because he had noone else,had just had surgery and she was there. They both told me he had tried to even walk away from the friendship at one point but she drove to his house and took him drinking. He said she was draining him emotionally. Yet, he was upset her bf’s didn’t know about him. He said he hated her. Why such strong feelings for just a friend? He says she started getting on him more when he described his feelings to her. Then says hes confused she encouraged him to seek me out after our last break up. She said she friended him fast. He said they went on 2 dates. He says he was drunk when she jumped on him in her car in a park while waiting for AAA. Then he felt horrible because not only did he not finish, but she left him there to watch her car when the AAA truck came and took her to another spot.
I’m just wondering if they only had sex once or if it was more? Why did she mention him being bad in bed (he def is not) and not being as large as her present man? if it was only once?
She also told me she was a little upset he just stopped talking to her because she had been there for him. That he promised he’d be a friend till the end. So that tell me he did stop talking to her.
The way I do things is I tell someone “hi Im pursuing this with so-and-so, I can’t talk to you it makes them uncomfortabel” SImple. HIM? He told her about me, she said, “he loves you,” But then why didn’t he tell her why he couldn’t talk to her? It’ like he dwindled away. And she was giving him trouble.
Not sure why i’m so upset about it. Guess I just want to know how close they were. IF they had sex “a long time ago” and they remained friends till now, so close that she encouraged him to go to school – he did. She made him think I was cheating (going by what he was telling her) and he accused me. Then he comes back to me, because she encouraged him to. WTF?He told me he wasn’t upset that I had called her, only that we had a convo about him behind his back.
But then he said he better not catch her in the street because he hates her. He had told me at one point he got her to ask if she could call. And once when he told her he couldnt respond, she got an attitude.
One last thing: this woman started sending me pics of her home and showing me some projets she was finished with. And I had only spoken to her once.
So I told her after 2 weeks that thank you for helping me figure things out but that I would give him a second chance because other than that he’s amazing. And I was very happy.
Newbie
You have posted about this same issue. So clearly whatever we say here doesnt matter. You just put up with whatever he throws at you and stay. Im not saying you should listen to us, we are a bunch of strangers, but why do you keep posting. What answers are you looking for. From my perspective he had a weird relationship with that women where she sends a text in the morning if he needs a loan. She manages to make hum believe you are cheating. Now it turned out he did sleep with her but he is done. Is this the kind of drama you want from a bf? I would walk away just for that. I dont care for drama. In your case: maybe you like drama, i dont know. In that case you have the bf of a lifetime
Newbie
How old are you anyway? If you want a serious partner dont ypu think its time to loook for one?
Alice
This is so much drama it’s making me dizzy.
I’d dump this guy and exit completely. Life is too short to deal with stuff like this.
Liz Lemon
I remember your other post about your boyfriend and this woman. That he met her in a store, that she was texting him at 8 am on a Sunday while you were with him, asking him a lot of questions about what he was doing and whether you were there, etc. And she convinced your boyfriend that you had cheated on him when you had not– and he believed her over you. You posted about all of this before.
He’s a liar. She’s a liar. He chooses to continue interacting with her even though it basically destroys your relationship (literally, because you broke up over her lies). And yet you choose to continue dating this guy and dealing with this drama. Newbie is right, you had a long, detailed thread about this before and we all said the same thing: you should dump this guy, walk away and don’t look back. You didn’t listen. So what do you expect us to say now?
You keep asking if they had sex more than once. How on earth are we supposed to know that? Who knows? It doesn’t matter because he’s a liar. He insisted to you they never had sex, then he admitted they did. This guy changes his story more often then he changes his underwear. You’ll never get an honest answer from him about this woman. He’s clearly not going to let her go. Drop him and find a decent, honest guy who will not string you along like this.
maria
He dropped her before I found any of this out. She told me that he stopped responding to her texts 1.5 months after we got back together. She said at first that she didn’t care but then as the convo went on, she expressed annoyance at him dropping the friendship. So when he revealed their past, they hadn’t spoken for over a month. Now he says I did him a favor because she’s finally gone. She told me the friendship is over. He told me if she ever reaches out hed tell me.
He also mentioned how the relationship was fizzling. That even though they were friends, she didn’t know about his long distance relationship last year. I believe this much – he has always wanted me. I was just going slow and sometimes fear made me walk away. And when I did, she was there to fill that void. He said he paid her back the 220 he owed her, and had just stopped talking to her. SHe admitted to reaching out.
Now, he is thanking me, and saying she was jealous because he’s the one that got away. According to her she has 14 other men and 2 boyfriends. And he’s tried to leave before but she told me she went to his house and took him out. This was before me.
Anyway, now she knows I stayed, and he feels she’s embarassed and is really upset now and for some reason that makes him happy. I dont like how he seemed sad when she was “starting to feel the distance.”
yes you’re right I’ve posted about this before. I’m confused. And I go on here to get non-biased help. And I appreciate those who remember the post which was a while ago. I honestly didn’t think anyone would rememeber…so thank you.
Lane
YOU are a DRAMA QUEEN, as is she, and why he’s loving having two dramatic women fight for his attention.
I think you, and he, would be totally BORED, and find this relationship to be super dull if she wasn’t in the picture. You obviously need her to stay ALIVE or your relationship will head straight to dullsville. Right now you feel like your a first place winner in this game but deep down I think you know all you got is the booby prize, your ego refuses to admit it, so you NEED her to stay in it, to keep the thrill (aka drama) alive.
Not sure why you thrive on being miserably unhappy? This is a YOU problem, not a her or him problem. I truly do not understand your *motives* or what you’re trying to gain by digging up, reconstructing, or becoming so involved in their past?? You are coming off as a very bitter, and angry person. I think you need to take a really good hard look in the mirror, and ask yourself “Is the type of person I want to be?” The answer is within you, not outside of you—you just need to look at the right person.
Liz Lemon
OP, what are you getting out of this relationship? The guy makes you insecure (or you wouldn’t be posting here multiple times) and unhappy. He confuses you. You don’t trust him. You don’t believe the things he tells you, with good reason. This is not the basis for a healthy relationship.
Why do you stay with him? And what do you expect us (strangers on an internet board) to tell you? We can’t help you. We can’t give you solutions (other than to break it off with him), or change his behavior.
I totally agree with Lane that this guy is loving it. He loves having two women fighting for his attention. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t have tolerated her for so long. Do you really want to be with a guy like that? Whether or not he “wants you” as you say, is beside the point. He isn’t an honest, decent, emotionally healthy guy.
Newbie
Yeah i agree with liz and lane. You all act like drama Queens. Every single convo has crazy in there. Again, i like to know how old you are and what expectations you have of a relationship. If you think all of this is acceptable minus her you need help to show you what love looks like.
Maria
I’m 43, he’s 47, and the friend is 52…
Newbie
I was hoping you would be younger. But no. You are all acting like high school kids. But you are the one asking here what to do. Do you have any ideas now on what to do? Trust me you dont have found true love but a basketcase man in a rollercoaster
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