Bf shuts down and distances himself

I’m going to tell you straight – this is wayyyyy too much difficulty and drama in less than two months of dating.

You should not be speaking about moving in together so soon under any circumstance. Absolutely do not move in with this guy.

You say he’s worth waiting for and saving the relationship, but again with less than two months of dating, YOU DO NOT REALLY KNOW THE REAL PERSON HE IS. You’ve gotten hooked too soon.

This guy seems to have a lot of problems and deals with them by shutting down and shutting everyone out. That isn’t heathy and not a solution to anything. He hasn’t spoken to you in a week? Giant red flag. This rollercoaster will get very tiresome if you stay on it and my guess is at some point in the near future he’ll tell you some version of he’s not good for you, can’t give you what you want, or just entirely ghost you.

I know you don’t want to hear this, but if he contacts you again, tell him you like him but you don’t see this working out under the circumstances. It’s NOT OK for him to freeze you out for a week. The silent treatment is abusive.

This man is not capable of being in a healthy relationship right now, and maybe never will be. If you keep this up, you will waste your valuable time that you can’t get back.

I totally agree with what the others have said. Also:
” We also spoke a little bit about… moving in together because he mentioned that whenever he is able to move out of the house (he still lives with the whole family), it will fix many issues.”

It sounds like he sees you as an escape from his toxic living situation. He wants to move in with you to get away from them– not because the relationship has arrived to the level where you’re ready to live together.

Read what Angiebaby wrote. Do not move in with this guy! Two months is way too soon, and there’s way too much drama in the relationship. Two months in should be the honeymoon period & things should be blissful. It’s a red flag that he’s so inconsistent & has so many issues.

Given what you’ve described I don’t think this relationship will work out, I’m sorry to say. Going weeks without communicating with you (in a barely 2 month relationship!) is a very bad sign.

This is what dating is about, determining if you can accept the individual how they ARE, not what you want them to be. This is how he deals with difficult situations; shuts down and goes into his man cave. The problem is, the two of you haven’t faced a real problem together, and if this is how he reacts to family issues, how do you think he will react when the two of you face a difficult problem or issue together?

People can and do change but he will need to learn better coping techniques and practice them before adopting the one(s) that work. Maybe you could help him by offering him a self-help book on coping techniques (I’m sure you can find one on the web) so when he faces a difficult issue he can try them to see what works and what doesn’t. He obviously hasn’t been in a healthy living situation to learn proper coping skills, so think of it as a gift that could help not only him but your relationship too. This is what adulting is; learning new skills and building a toolbox to help you navigate and deal with a variety of difficult situations and challenges along the pathway of life. Knowledge is power! :o)

I disagree with the above posters view. Way too soon for you to be taking on the responsibility of sorting out this guys family issues or giving tips on how to cope. He has shut himself out and stopped communicating with you. You guys have been together for such a short period! He needs to sort out his issues.

I find it interesting your opposed to my idea when the both of you often suggest therapy, or couples counseling to help those having issues. How is that not “fixing”?

I am not telling her to fix him but offering her an IDEA on how to help a young man who doesn’t know how to properly handle or cope with family issues. As a mom, I see a very young man struggling and a young woman struggling to understand, whereas there is often a lot of valuable information from self help books that could provide both of them with better ways of dealing with life problems. I don’t see any harm in that.

Sadly, I didn’t know what “co-dependency” was until a decade later when I was deep into it. Sure wish someone, ANYONE, would have given me that information much much earlier as it would have definitely helped me. Self-help books gave me the information I needed to not only understand it but tackle, and overcome it, which has helped me immensely in my current relationship. Knowledge is power!

U elucidated that so well liz. I agree fully with your post.

Lane… to answer your questions and to expand on Liz’s point, suggesting counseling for individuals or couples who are experiencing difficulties beyond what strangers on the internet can comment on isn’t “fixing” because it’s referring them to a professionally trained source who can work with them intensively in a way tailored to their situations. “Fixing” in my book is taking it upon yourself to tell someone who did NOT request your input what to do to solve a problem, or trying to give advice when the situation is well beyond your area of knowledge.

Telling a man what to do and how to solve his problems, unless you have an established relationship and you can make suggestions in a way that doesn’t emasculate him, is a big mistake. He will NOT be grateful to you and it will NOT improve your relationship. Men don’t view “help” as help like we women do. It’s usually not welcome – and it’s acting like a woman mothering a little boy, which will put them right off of seeing you as a sexual partner and girlfriend or wife. If you’d like to read about this further, Dr. John Gray discusses this concept in many of his books.

You’re right about self help books, they’re awesome… IF someone is ready to read them, IF they are the reading type. “Here, read this book” when you hardly know someone, while certainly well intended, can come across as presumptuous and condescending as hell.

I appreciate your recommendation was based on your POV as a mother. But this is a dating and relationship advice site for people who are 18 and up – adults. We aren’t here to tell children how to play nice together.

No woman of any age should be recommending self-help books to a man she’s been dating six or eight weeks to advise him on how to handle his problems, unless he specifically asked her for ideas, resources or her opinion. Furthermore, t’s a great disservice to train a young woman that she should be a nice girl and a helper instead of looking out for her best interests in any situation, especially dating. To the point that Liz and mama made, if a man’s behavior is unkosher in the first 2-3 months of dating, you release him and go on to the next. You don’t say, oh poor thing, you’re struggling, here let me help, here read these books. Step one towards codependency. No bueno.

Way too many women stick in bad, unhealthy dating situations and relationships, trying to prove themselves worthy and win his love and support him through his problems, long before they know if he deserves them or long after he’s proved that he doesn’t. Let’s support each other in knowing our worth, standing up for ourselves and walking away from bad or unhealthy behavior sooner rather than later.

Completely no offense intended here Lane. I respect you as a solid long time member of this community who gives very good advice almost always.

“Let’s support each other in knowing our worth, standing up for ourselves and walking away from bad or unhealthy behavior sooner rather than later.”

CHEERS TO THAT!

Joyce – ask him take a free online Myers Briggs personality test (without revealing the personality type). If he is INTJ, there is your answer. We require much space to process and recharge. If he is not iNTJ, I agree with the others comments.

Side note: INTJs are very loyal.