Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › BF STD Testing ARgument
- This topic has 7 replies and was last updated 2 years, 2 months ago by
Liz Lemon.
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Neena
I asked BF of 9 months when the last time he was tested. He replies hes not sure but it was last year, 3-6 months before we started dating (we were friends first) Anyway I’m upset and wondering if I should be. For one, shouldn’t he at least know the month? Second, we are in our 40’s. We know whether we get tested before or after a relationship. I told him I get tested after relationships he asked why. I assumed that meant he gets tested before. When i tried to get more info, he said the end of the relationship is still the beginning. we got into an argument because I feel I’m constantly pulling teeth. I answer every question so that he can trust me. he’s always saying he was stressed and doesn’t remember dates. I feel he should remember for my sake. He should remember for himself at the very least. Am I being irrational? I reminded him that at the very least he must remember the woman he was with so why can’t you remember when you got tested? He said he remembers the woman but can’t remember an exact date. I said he just needs to know the month as opposed to a series of months.
He said the papers are in his house. But if he can’t find them, then he’ll do it again. For clarity, I know he has nothing. Or else I would. And I recently had a physical done and I’m clean. But the topic came up after I was talking to a friend who was discussing how she was asking her man for the same papers. Anyway, we didn’t make up, and we just let the argument die because I had things to do.
So today we’re talking like normal but I’m still very frustrated. A – because he’s flippant about his health and I told him that. And that ties into wondering whether he was lying when he said he wasn’t with anyone right before me. B – because he said “we’ve been together for 9 months and friends for 2 years before that and you doubt me?” I said, “YES” because you can’t give me a straight answer. WTF. help.
Raven
Why are you bringing this up now?
You should have brought it up 9 months ago & ask for the results before you started having sex with him.
Ruby
My exact point Raven!
This is the conversation you have before you have sex with a person if you’re strict on their health status. What does it matter now if he was tested or not, you already slept with him. Unless you feel like you’ve caught an infection? Do you suspect him of cheating? Otherwise yes you are being irrational. It’s like there’s nothing to argue about and you’re bored. 😑
If you need clarity then take him up on the offer of him getting tested soon so you guys can dead the issue.
Liz Lemon
I’ll be honest, I’ve never asked a guy to show me STD test results. And I’ve never been asked to show any. (Again being honest, I would feel weird- offended maybe?- if a guy I had just started dating asked me to show him STD test results). I don’t know how common that is? I guess people do it, but I don’t know anyone who does it.
I have always had discussions about STDs/safety with guys before having sex, but I take them on their word when they say they’re clean….maybe that’s naive. But I haven’t had *many* sexual partners, and I’ve been with my bf for about 5 years, so I haven’t had to think about this in awhile.
I’m with Raven, why are you asking for this proof now, 9 months after you started dating? Are you sleeping with the guy? If you are, it seems a bit late to ask for test results.
Is there a reason why you’re worried that he has an STD? Has he had a lot of partners, been promiscuous or irresponsible sexually, etc? It just seems strange to make this a huge issue with a boyfriend you’ve been dating almost a year and are presumably sleeping with.
neena
Ok, yes it’s late to be asking. But I realized I feel as if hes growing distant, and now I’m regretting letting him hit raw…and so now i’m asking and yet again, the response is “I do’nt know, my memory is bad” For me it’s “your memory is bad or do you not wanna say?”
NO, I’m not suffering in my body. In fact I got tested two months ago and I’m clean. So I know he’s clean. It’s that he always told mehe wasn’t w/ anyone prior to us getting together,the 3 months prior. Now he’s saying he was tested 3-6 months prior? I asked so do you get tested before or after a relationship? He said “after, which is usually before” Which tells me he was with someone just 2 months prior to me.
He didn’t use protection the first time we were intimate. So maybe he didn’t use one with them either. I’m just tired of feeling as if he’s lying to me even though 90% of the time he hasn’t been..because I found proof that he wasn’t.
I’m just confused.Ruby
Neena if I may, what are your ages?
I feel like you’re not addressing what you really want to know and that is if he’s been with someone 2 months prior to being with you and you feel he lied about that. I don’t know why this is very important to you since you were not together yet but in all honesty, he had no reason to lie if you weren’t official. You’re going to drive yourself crazy and him crazier and not in a good way. He’s getting distant because of this.
You also mentioned he doesn’t normally lie to you so I feel like there’s something there you’re worried about but your reasons for it doesn’t make sense at this time. It doesn’t matter if he was tested or not because if you’re clean, he’s clean. (Unless he has cheated after you were tested) It doesn’t matter if he’s been with someone 2 months prior to you being together unless you’re worried about if he lied about it. So address what you truly want to know. Have him take a test of you need it. Make it a final conversation on that topic and move on. Your relationship will suffer if you keep at this.
Neena
I’m worried that he’s with me because maybe that person left him. I don’t feel like his first choice sometimes because he seems distant at times. If we get into a small little squabble, he interprets things the wrong way, as if it’s coming from the lens of another person, not me. And I’ve mentioned this but when he’s upset he goes back to assuming I’m saying what I’m not. Or there are times when he’s completely silent around me, like for 2 days, then when he leaves my house for work at the end of a weekend, he’s texting me, finding things to say, and using exclamation points, and being the man he was before we started dating. We were friends for a year prior..
So I’m confused sometimes. And I guess watching IG and FB talking about relationships doesnt help because men say these are signs of cheating. Or that he’s using me to fill his tiime because he was lonely. And my fear sets in bad.Liz Lemon
So the issue here isn’t really the STD test. You know he’s clean, because you’re sleeping with him and tested yourself and you are clean. It sounds like you have anxious attachment (look it up) and you need to work on yourself and addressing your own insecurities. Or, if this relationship is confusing you and he’s not consistent and not giving you what you want, maybe you need to end it. Only you can decide that. But you need to focus on other things and not the STD test because clearly that’s not the real issue.
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