Home › Forums › Decoding His Signals / How Does He Feel About Me? › BF wants to be Wined and Dined?
- This topic has 9 replies and was last updated 3 years, 4 months ago by
Persephone.
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MontanaRise
My boyfriend told me our partnership doesn’t feel like a partnership to him. He explained he has made most of the efforts in our relationship e.g giving me a key to his home, planning a get away trip, and giving little gifts here and there. He asked me ‘where was his flowers?’ As in what am i bringing to the table.And what have I done to solidify this partnership? He explained all the things he done since we met 5 months ago from flowers to introducing me to some family members. which felt like he was keeping tabs.All I have thanked him for and told him I appreciated.
I told him I made the effort to visit him, call and check in everyday and cook for him at his home but he believes this is all passive and could be done with anyone. I have given him gifts, paid on dates and recently introduced him to my mum, I am affectionate and always tell him how I feel about him. But according to him there is a 80/20 effort. He said love is an act of service. And this didn’t reasonate with me at all.
Now I’m very hurt. I feel insecure I am not a good enough gf for him.He told me I was self absorbed and when I asked for guidance or his expectations he told me he shouldn’t have to tell me what a woman should innately have-which is care. He even said if we had a child what love would i be able to give him after giving my child love.
I totally agree in showing my appreciation and getting gifts but I don’t think I should be trying earn his love like this.
What is he really saying here? Should I make more of an effort through acts of service? Or should a man even desire these type of expectations?
Thank you for any words of advice
Lane
I would read up on the 5 love languages as it appears the two of you aren’t speaking the love language that makes the other feel loved.
My partner could easily the same about me over the last 4+ years but I naturally show love through words of affirmation so he feels loved because of this and doesn’t see it the way yours does. Mine is Acts of Service which comes naturally to him so our relationship has been pretty smooth sailing because we naturally provide love in the way the other needs to feel loved to stay in love without any need to keep score.
If one starts keeping score it means you aren’t loving your partner in the way they need to feel loved so I would ask him in a calm manner “what do you need from a partner to feel loved?” that way you can pin point his love language and see if you are capable of loving that way. If not its OK as it would be too difficult and inauthentic to twist yourself in a pretzel to love someone in they way they need that doesn’t conform with the way you need to show love. Hope this helps.
Lane
As a side note: both of our secondary love language is quality time. We truly enjoy spending time together doing fun things such as traveling, playing a game of pool, golfing, working on house projects or just sitting on the porch looking at the stars together. We truly enjoy the time we spend together too :o)
Raven
He wants to be a princess… What a turn off!
Newbie
Doesnt he get sex in return?
T from NY
This doesn’t sound like a different love language problem to me. He sounds like a petulant child himself. It’s great he’s bringing his frustrations to you – but he should be doing so without the insults. Your response was very healthy – asking for concrete things you could do to address his hurts.
I would really get to the bottom of what’s happening here. Is this tantrum out of left field? Or has he always needled you a little? A therapist could help but I’m telling ya my spidey senses are he’s either a negative nancy who will often find you at fault, is losing interest in the relationship or laying the grounds to be emotionally controlling by breaking you down.
Elvira
I agree with the above that there is something else here and his love language is a bit confusing. Its as if he is expecting you to do something more to show how you love him but isn’t satisfied with what you are already doing. Which to me sound like very legitimate and sincere acts of appreciation and love. “Acts of service” what does that even mean – doing his laundry, taking him on trips…it sounds very manipulative. As in do more but I will determine if it is enough which will never be. Please be aware of these manipulative behaviors and signs of a narcissistic person. My ex of 20 years in the beginning of our relationship told me that I wasn’t helping him enough with his business and wasn’t showing signs of motivation…yet I would finish my 9-5 and help him after work for hours. That to him wasn’t enough eventually I came to realize he was an extreme narcist who believed my time should be spent helping him. If you are giving your time, energy and love to this person why would he feel you are not giving enough? He is making you question your integrity. It is too soon for him to even be bringing up children and how you would behave in that situation. I would be weary of this guy!
Debsterism
Don’t fall for this game. Dump him. Tell him that you are not going to be set up and guilt tripped into being his slave or end up trafficked proving your “love” for him. Make no more effort than you have. Cooking a meal is far more laborious than giving someone a key. That takes 10 seconds. Cooking = shopping, menu planning, chopping slicing cooking, serving, cleaning up the kitchen, cleaning the table, cleaning the dishes, putting the leftovers away. You spent hours each time you do something for him and money too, and all he did was bring you some $5 flowers or a $3 key? Please! You are far nicer than me. I would STILL be telling him about himself days later.
And any clown who asks a woman “what are you bringing to the table” has a pimp mentality. He is not of the mindset that his job as a man is to take care of his woman and protect her. He wants a tit for tat checklist partnership. Tell him to take his list and his desire to be wined and dined like a girl on somewhere to a woman who would fall for his b.s.
Boggo
Ok, so traditionally wined and dined has been related to what women want a man to do for them. Take them out on expensive nights out and at 100 percent cost to the guy. Regardless if he is working or not or if she earns more or not.
This is a huge turn off. For guys and girls as it straight away a rship imbalance where the person wanting to be wined and dined thinks their time is worth your money.
Women with this mind set have been shown through studies to have more dark tendencies; sociopath; psychotic; selfish….. so as a guy my suggestion is to stay away from women who want this and don’t cave into women that say this is normal in 2021. In 1960 yes it was but not today.A guy doing this…. The first thing reading your blog is what the the first replier says. Read the five love languages. It’s sounds like how he feels loved you don’t understand. You’re showing him that you love him but how you feel loved. And he needs to be loved a certain way. His comments explaining to you what love is is really wrong and shows he also needs to read the book and understand different people feel love different ways. I’m trying to think of the 5 languages; touch (things like kissing or sex or touching); acts of service ( doing things for the other person like cook them a meal when they have had a busy day at work, serving them making their life easier with an act); gifts (giving someone gifts and usually the more expensive the gift the more the person loves them). Kind words of praise (telling that person you love them and how special they are) ; quality time (spending quality time together) … I think that’s the five…. I dated this girl once and didn’t realise til later after break up we were both giving each other what we thought they needed to feel loved but were both ignoring what the actual person needed to feel loved. It can feel very odd. If your languages are touch and quality time; and his may be acts of service and kind words of praise; if you keep giving him the things you need there will be a disconnect. You will need to actually give him the things he needs…. No you cannot change him to think like you. And vs versa he should tell you what love is. You both need to accept what love means for each of you and give each other those things…this may feel very off if you don’t have the same love languages…. It’s often important when you date someone to have at least one love language in common so it won’t feel so foreign and it means you both can express that thing and feel loved. Like say touch.
I also wanted to say do not take advantage of your guy. There are far too many women who deliberately and intentionally use a man financially. It’s totally sadistic.
Persephone
He sounds like my ex-husband. He kept score like this, and now that I’m married to a MAN I know that a real man doesn’t act like this (eventually, at the very end, my ex had a total breakdown bc I left some clothes on my dresser, and I found him rocking in the corner crying saying that if I loved him I would have put them away and why can’t I love him enough to do that and why doesn’t anyone take care of him). To me, it sounds like your bf is incredibly insecure. I am not sure there’s anything you can do to “prove” your love. No matter what you do, how you ask him what he wants from you, etc., it will never be enough.
Someone secure could communicate with you without blaming you. He’d be able to say, “Hey I love X.” And not be upset that he shouldn’t have to tell you. Are you a mind reader? No.
Good luck.
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