Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › BF wants to keep relationship private for now
- This topic has 10 replies and was last updated 4 months, 2 weeks ago by
Tammy.
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Allison
Jack and I met online while he’s overseas on military deployment. Before you tell me its fake, he’s scamming me, or he’s a perv, let me say he’s not. He is a real person who I’ve video chatted with. He’s never asked for money or only wants to talk about sex. In fact, most of our conversations are just chatting about everything and anything. Family, work, pets, dreams, goals, him coming home in a few months, etc. He sent me links to him family’s business website where he is featured as co-owner (name and pic publicly online). I’ve asked him the same questions two or three times days or even weeks apart to see if I could catch him in a lie. His story remains the same. I am convinced he’s legit.
10 days ago, he asked me if I wanted to make things official and be exclusive. I said yes. Everything was going great until he asked me 2 days ago to keep our relationship private until he comes home from deployment. I asked why and he said he doesn’t feel we should tell the world about us yet. He wants to “surprise” our families when he comes home in a few months and we’re officially together. Initially I agreed because I don’t want to hear the judgment from my family about dating a guy overseas who I haven’t met yet. But the more I think about it, it’s bothering me. It’s making me question everything. Is it normal to want to keep a new relationship private until he comes home in 2 months?
Tammy
From all that u have said, i wld be highly surprised if he is genuine. Pls step back, and think abt this whole thing. Your living in a virtual world, in a fantasy land. Pls check professional wedsites as well as popular social media platforms. does he hv a legit presence there?
There is no hurry. Meet him first casually. Go for lunches and walks. Get to know him. And do not jump into a sexual relationship unless you hv got to know him well.
I think this is your cue to step back. Tell him hes right and that you guys need to take your feet off the accelerator. Go slow. Remember none of this is real till u guys actually get to know each other well in person
AngieBaby
Allison. You aren’t “dating.” You’re talking to someone online whom you haven’t yet met. Tammy is 100% right, odds are against this guy being real. How long have you been talking with him? Are these long video chats where you can clearly see his face? Short video chats can easily be faked. Does he have any kind of foreign accent? Suggest you go watch the Social Catfish channel, it’s called Catfished on YouTube. They help people determine if the person they’re involved with online is real
Let’s just say for a minute that you’re right and he is real. It’s extremely sketchy that he asks you to be official and then all of a sudden says let’s keep it a secret to “surprise our families.” That’s a bad sign. You are right to feel uneasy about it. What’s the rush to be official and then suddenly keep it under wraps?? The fact that you’re talking this much to someone online and then agreed to be exclusive when you’ve not met tells me you’re in too much of a hurry to be in a relationship and you’re in a vulnerable state.
I think you’re being set up for a last minute, oh I can’t come home, there’s a snag and then he’ll hit you up for money. Probably his family’s business will be in trouble. (It doesn’t make sense that he’s all over the website as a co-owner if he’s really in the military.) Think about it. If someone is military and deployed, how does he have time to be online looking for a GF, especially when he’s coming home soon? Why not wait until he gets home?
This person isn’t real until you meet him face to face. Right now this is a lot of pretty words and promises and a fantasy. These military profiles on dating sites are 99% fake. Also, it’s a bad idea to talk with someone so much before you meet in person. I’ve made that mistake. I thought I knew and really liked the guy based on phone chats and then we met and it fell flat – that’s rough to find you have zero attraction to someone you thought you knew. The virtual world is one thing and the real world in the flesh is a whole other thing. Please take Tammy’s advice, tell him you agree that you should slow way down and put the whole relationship thing on hold until he gets home. Pull way back on talking to him. Tell him you’re really looking forward to meeting him in person and spending time together. If he still wants to talk all the time and pressures you, you know for sure he’s not real.
Let us know how it goes.
Maddie
You’re getting great advice. I wouldn’t want to tell my family something official about someone I hadn’t met in person yet. Even if he is completely for real, chemistry doesn’t always carry over in person. You may finally meet and realize you’re not into him.
Allison
Thank you everyone. You’ve made great points. I will definitely slow things down and be very cautious of what I tell him and where this is going. If any other red flags come up, I’ll end things and block him.
Raven
Please don’t put your life on hold for a ‘surprise’
Odette
He doesn’t have to be fake to be stringing you along. He can exist. But what’s weird and a red flag is: 1 that he asked you be his gf and 2 that you said yes. Both to a person you never met. That he wants to be private about it is the least weird part. You should have never said yes really, but said: let’s wait until we met.
Ewa
I doubt that they will meet, military men, (no offence to anyone ) are not known for being faithful/loyal, so chances are he is married with kids etc and he is just using her for some attention.
Khadija
I’m with Raven don’t put your life on hold. Keep meeting and dating people and if things pan out when he’s back from deploment great. You don’t want to be someone who just helps him past time and you have no idea if he’s talking to other women. He is not not your boyfriend and this is not a relationship. These things can only happen when you meet him in person. Trust me been there and done that, keep your options open.
Micaela
To the posters who have said they have been in this situation or similar situations where they talked online but never met or did met and the chemistry wasn’t there, would you share your stories?
Tammy
I was in 2 long distance relatnships from guys i met online. One was from usa and anthr from uk. In both the cases, i had legit marriage proposals. And these were on/off for atlst 2/3 yrs. Thing is i had done a background check on both q well so it was clear they were not catfishing or fake profiles. I met both of them. Many times. I think the first thing one must do while interacting online is to ensure the persons identity. Before meeting both these men, i knew there was a v strng chemistry and it was present when we met. But there hv been others where things lukd fine online but when i met them it just didnt feel the same. Long silent gaps, zero attraction, stingey attitude, only focussed on gettin physical…i didnt meet them a second time.
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