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Beth
I posted in an old thread but I’m just reposting because a very similar thing just happened to me.
I turned 26 this week. For the last two years for my BF’s birthday we take a week off and go away somewhere.
Last year my birthday was spent in lockdown (we’re in the UK). He promised me we would do something nice in July. July came around he forgot. I let it pass. 2020 was a hectic year. We still managed to go away somewhere for a week for his because restrictions were eased then. We went away, I treated him to dinner, cake and got him a present and hand written letter.
This year I asked my bf to take 2 days off for my birthday. I mentioned that I’d love to go for a picnic in one of the parks I’ve been wanting to visit for some time. Of course we didn’t do that. My bf doesn’t plan so we ended up walking around London and grabbing coffee and lunch like we usually would do for a regular date. He paid for the food and coffee.
For the second day he planned a day to IKEA because he needed to run some errands. I like IKEA so I didn’t mind but instead on the day he changed the plans to go to a local high street instead. We spent hours in the same shop and I was exhausted by the end of the day. He paid for my lunch that we got from a local takeaway.
When I told him I was expecting a bit more he said he has more planned for me when the restrictions are eased. Currently you can’t visit indoor place/sit inside restaurants. I reminded him that he said the same thing to me last year and he forgot.
Just to add I haven’t received a present, card or any flowers from him. He claims they’re still on the way. I think he forgot to plan any of that.
He has been really busy with renovating a place recently so we have been spending less time/weekends together which I don’t mind. I just had expected a bit more… am I wrong to be upset?
Gaia
I went through something very similar recently. It’s really up to you how you feel and deal with it. I was really hurt and felt unimportant to my dude when he basically did the same thing. We did our usual thing and there was literally zero effort he put in even though he knew my birthday was important to me. His excuse was tired from work (he was) and that my gift hadn’t come in yet. At the end of the day they were just excuses though on the day of my bday. I went to him the next day to talk to him about how hurt, disappointed I was and he surprised me with flowers and gifts before asking me out to play pool. He was trying to make up for the disappointment. I did talk to him later that night to tell him how I felt because I felt like I would stew on it if I didn’t.
You’ve been with your guy longer than I have with mine so I would definitely tell him how you feel about it. Realize though that you won’t know if anything changes until the next holiday/birthday comes around. If there is another way you want him to make up for it then you will have to tell him how he can do that. Men need clear communication and directions. For myself, I realized that this was a weird one off freak moment for my guy as he has come through for every other holiday or important moment.
Ewa
Beth, you said he is renovating a place ? Maybe he just doesn’t have the money right now to treat you to a weekend away etc.
Most men would rather not say it, but if he is spending his money on a project then maybe that is what happened there.
Also I am not trying to find excuses for him , because I would personally feel upset and disappointed , but men are not really good with birthdays, some can’t even remember them.
I think you should look at bigger picture here , he took time off work to spend his time with you and I know you didn’t do what you wanted to do but still he spent his time with you, where he could be spending those 2 days renovating a place.
But at the same time maybe he is drifting away…
next time don’t make his birthday special :)Beth
I ruled out a short break away because of that and I wasn’t expecting anything expensive or fancy. I just wanted a bit of effort. He took me out for a regular date and things we usually always do which means he didn’t really think about it.
I did speak to him about it and he apologised. He promised me that there’s ‘more’ but I don’t have any expectations because he said the same thing last year only to forget. This has happened before on our anniversary and Valentine’s Day where I’ve turned up with a present for him and he showed with nothing because he didn’t have time to plan anything.
I think it’s true that maybe I spend/put way too much thought into birthdays and occasions. I might take a step back and take the same approach as him.
Gaia
Are you sure this guy is into you? I’m not trying to be mean but he didn’t do anything for any occasion? Does he know these holidays/events are important to you ahead of time? I don’t think I’d be with my dude if he didn’t do anything for all the events you mentioned above. It’s the only reason he got a pass for my b-day. Plus, he made up for it the next day.
Your guy doesn’t seem to be putting any effort into you at all. Is the home he is renovating going to be for the both of you? That’s the only reason I can see him losing focus from other things you might want/need especially if his focus is “I need to finish this home for OUR future.”
Newbie
I always organised my own birthday parties as i am fully capable of doing that. Why dont you turn this around? Stop organizing things for him and organize ot for yourself. Then invite him to come or invite others. Sometimes instead of getting annoyed about the exact same thing every year, take matters in your own hand. Youre not a helpless puppy.
And i say this with the assumption he loves youLane
Why didn’t your parents organizing something? They were the one’s at your birth, and are the one’s who should be celebrating it with you.
I am not a fan of Birthday’s at all. The ONLY TWO I truly care about are my sons because I gave “birth” to them. Thankfully my partner doesn’t get all butt hurt because I’m not into them, like he is, in fact, he goes a bit ‘overboard’ and it makes me very uncomfortable but because he enjoys it so much, I just suck it up. Thankfully he’s out to sea every year on his birthday, so I don’t have to plan or do anything but send him a birthday message haha.
Not all people are into birthday’s and/or holiday’s. You are trying to change him, force him, and manipulate him into doing the same for you, just because you do it for him, and its not right. If you are big on birthday’s, then plan it yourself, but don’t demand it of those who don’t really care about them as he we will come to resent you, the same way you are resenting him, and it will just make you both miserable.
Liz Lemon
I agree with Newbie and Lane. My guy is also not big into birthdays. Not for himself, his family, or even his kid. He’s not a jerk, far from it, he’s very kind and considerate on a day to day basis. He does give me gifts for no reason. He’s just not someone who makes a big fuss over people’s birthdays. I honestly don’t think he knows how. The planning, the having to guess what I would like– he’s just not wired that way (my man is not the best planner either, I’m the planner in the relationship). He’ll buy his kid toys of course, and take him out for pizza, he’s not a ogre haha! But that’s about as much as he’ll do. It’s just the way he is and I’ve learned to accept that about him. The only reason he does anything at all for his own birthday is because I take him out, but we just go out to dinner, nothing major.
For my birthday I’ll tell him what I want to do, and he’ll do it. But I’m pretty low maintenance and I’m happy just going out to a low-key dinner. If I had told my bf “I’d love a picnic” he would not have planned one, but if I were to plan my own birthday picnic, he’d happily participate.
Assuming that you and this guy are a good match in other areas, and he makes you happy overall– I think your plan about lowering your expectations is a good idea. Don’t make a big fuss over this guy’s birthday if it’s important to you that he reciprocates (which you clearly want him to do). He’s not going to reciprocate. If you want him to do something for your birthday– plan it yourself. Plan a picnic in a park, or a weekend getaway or whatever, and tell him “this is what we’re doing for my birthday”. He took 2 days off work for your bday as you requested, right? So he listened to you. You just expected him to plan some grand gesture, and he didn’t. It’s clear that he’s never going to be the type of guy to surprise you with flowers, a picnic, or a romantic getaway or whatever. You have to decide if you can live with that and accept him.
Gaia has a good point, too. If you feel this guy loves you, and is into you, and gives you time/attention/energy in other ways, the gift thing is just a blip. However if you feel that this is indicative of him not being that into you, and not really caring about you, then that’s another story. Only you know that, though.
Anon
I would agree with Gaia- this is an established relationship- is he really into you? He knows this is important to you, so he should consider your feelings when it comes to things like this.
Maybe you both have different love languages, your love language may be time or acts of kindness along with gifts. His may be physical touch or words of affirmation. Men don’t always know these things either. You can look at his love language- what makes him really happy and communicate this to him.
Personally, I would be very upset and I would think that there should be a compromise on this matter as celebrations in life are important to me.
Gaia
The only thing I disagree with is that you should stop celebrating his birthday or other events. If you are someone who celebrates then you should not change that about yourself. I’m one of those. I love to celebrate and celebrate the person I’m with. Heck, I’m in the midst of trying to bring back regular Sunday dinners for family. So far it is working!
Just don’t have expectations that just because you did something it will be reciprocated in the same fashion. It’s hard to come to those terms. I know I had to come to those terms since I often have high expectations of people.
Newbie
Gaia, i dont think i agree with you. I have a good friend who never celebrates his bf and he has a few good friends who plan it for him at the 40,45,50. A nice dinner which is meant to celebrate him as we love him dearly. If we would do this every year i dont think he will enjoy it. For me its even a bigger no, if people would make a big fuss over my bday, i would get really mad as they have no say over it. Yes to agree to eat at a restaurant but thats it. If i had a family member for sunday dinners, lol you wouldnt see me a lot and i would pick a fight with you where i would accuse you of doing things over the backs of others just so you can feel good about yourself. So, my point is, people can be very diferent and my method is to respect them and not poor stuff in their throats
Liz Lemon
I don’t think anyone expects the OP to stop celebrating. It’s more about managing expectations. She can plan whatever birthday celebration she wants! Like you said Gaia, she just can’t expect others to share her same level of enthusiasm for celebrations.
It’s fine that the OP likes to celebrate her birthday & she should continue to do so. She obviously just can’t expect her bf to share her view. So she should organize & enjoy her own bday events, and not have expectations that her bf will plan a big surprise or celebration.
Gaia
Newbie- I get what you are saying but I think it is really up to each individual/couple. I celebrate my birthday every year because it’s important to me and since I have a belief that birthdays are very important I try my best to celebrate the birthdays of those closest to me. Or respect whatever they wish to do or not do on their day.
I don’t expect family all the time or each and every one of them on Sundays for dinner. I can’t imagine trying to pull that off or afford it. Currently, it’s about every other week and it’s been working out great with my kids and my dude and his daughter. We know that it won’t last though as my kids are getting older and slowing heading out to begin their own lives. It’s something I like to do for those I love and my guy seems to enjoy it as well. I think for both of us it’s because we grew up in a time where family sat together for meals but when we hit adulthood things changed and we always seemed to eat on the run. Sunday dinners for us are a way to connect with our kids and realize something we valued from our youth. (Sorry just felt like I needed to explain LOL)
Newbie
Gaia,
I love your story. I think it shows how broad the spectrum can be lol with you all lovely and me being grumpy cat perfectly happy to ruin your day at the other end. Because i dont sit up and give paws. I also believe its shows this whole argument shows to view the whole spectrum not just the birthday
I would say all In all: make your bday the bestBeth
Reading through all the responses I agree.. Everyone seems to have different thoughts about birthdays. I’m more like Gaia I’d say. I grew up in a family that likes celebrating the small things. Its just the way we show that we care for each other. I love the idea of Sunday family dinners!
We spoke about this properly this weekend and came to an agreement that going forward we’ll plan our own birthdays ourselves. I’m happy with that at least I can do all the things I wanted to do rather than waiting for someone to do them for me.
He did say he was sorry that he forgot last year and that he didn’t put more thought into it this year. He’s been quite busy for the last few months so he thought I’d like it if he took me out to run errands with him on our day off because we’d still spend the day together LOL I guess that’s kind of sweet…
Apart from this and being busy with work and his projects, he really is a great bf
Newbie
That sounds great, you talked and came up with a solution. Plus he made you understand he was trying to give you his time being busy. Thats really how its supposed to go when you try to work out
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