Blindsided

Here’s the story;

In July 2019 I(34) met this man (33). We clicked, but because we were both still recovering from a break up, we just hung out to talk and enjoy each others company. I felt at ease the minute I met him, probably because I wasn’t looking for anything nor did I felt like I needed to impress him. We shared so many stories,could talk about deep and emotional things that have happened to us, had the same kind of humor, taste in music..etc we did end up kissing most of the time, but since I’m experiencing difficulties having sex because of a trauma with sexual assault in the past, we agreed on taking it slow.
Somehow we stopped talking. (I then dated another guy. Which was also nothing serious.) But then our paths crossed again at the end of last year when we were both at a festival. We then started texting again and eventually we started hanging out again. We just picked up where we left of months before, we shared a lot of the same interests,could talk for hours, we kissed had sex and we went on dates right before the pandemic started. When that happened we both couldn’t go to work, so we texted or called all day long. We’d spend days together. And when we were not together we spend all day talking over phone or text. He started to get depressed about the pandemic, we talked about it a lot, I was there for him when he needed me. It was then,that I started realising I liked him more than just a casual fling. He admitted he had feelings for me. So we decided to go for it. We’ve met each others friends and family. We saw each other almost every few days, he was so happy even though he was still struggling with the depression, he was proud to call me his. But then a friend of his ended their 15 years of friendship for reasons unknown to us to this day. He was really sad about this, because he couldn’t understand why. While coping with both the anxiety, depression and the loss of one of his longest friendships, he started to have problems in the bedroom, we tried having sex but as much as we both wanted it, we just couldn’t because ‘it’ didn’t work down there . He felt ashamed, cried about it, because he liked me so much and he wanted it so so bad. I tried to initiate sex multiple times and so did he..but at one point I just couldn’t do it anymore because I wanted to spare him the shame/guilty feeling. We talked about it so many times, how he shouldn’t be ashamed, that I understood it would take some time and I wasn’t going to leave him for it. Ff to a couple weeks later, he got a new job that started soon, he also had to finish his exam for his masters degree. So on top of all that was going on, he now also had to deal with these things. He started telling me how stressed he was,and I could tell. He was so tired. We saw each other still, but most of the time just to sleep(still no sex) together. I told him I wanted to give him space, if that’s what he needed. Just so he could put the energy he had left in his exams and new job. He didn’t want that he enjoyed spending time with me even if it was just for a short time a day. I noticed he was getting restless in his sleep, twisting and turning. Holding me throughout the night. When we weren’t together he would text or call me throughout the day, we made plans for the next weeks to go out to dinner etc. 2 weeks ago I left a note that said I was enjoying our time together and included a picture of us. I thought it would be a nice surprise if he came home from work. Which it was. He told me he loved it and felt the same. Later that evening he texted me again saying he really loved it. We saw each other that following Sunday. We watched our TV show and went to bed. I left for work and he needed to finish his deadline for his studies that was due the week after so he was working from home. We texted as usual but then on the following Thursday (4 days later) he texted me saying he wanted to come over. When he came in, he hugged me but no kiss. And then proceeded to tell me; I know this is going to be a shock for you, but I dont think I feel what I’m supposed to be feeling.. I was in shock..my eyes started to tear up, but I couldn’t bring myself to talk. He hugged me gave me a kiss on my head, said sorry and left. We dated for 9 months, and now all of it is gone, I’m so heartbroken. He just pulled the rug, and I’m left wondering why. I haven’t spoken to him since because I couldn’t handle my emotions. I’m not a aggressive or mean person, but I was afraid I would cry and not get a word out…again I’ve spend so much time thinking when and where it did go wrong. There were no fights, we literally could talk about everything, he not only told but mostly showed me how much he liked me. I didn’t notice a change other than him being under a lot of stress and the fact that he had a lot on his mind… I feel so lost, I dont know what to do…