Blurred lines with married colleague

Patti, thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry to hear what a hard time you went through. I always used to think of affairs as being between people who just want to have sex, and just recently I’ve realized how they grow.

Besides occasional compliments (e.g., wow you look great in that color), it used to seem very platonic. He frequently mentioned his wife, too, which made me feel comfortable. Maybe he didn’t want to admit to himself that he was doing anything wrong, so he kept bringing her into the convo? Or he wanted me to put my guard down? Over the last couple weeks he behaved in a way that would at times make me think he was coming on to me, but then at times would make me think he was really friendly. So I continued to keep my guard down, and that’s when my feelings developed. It wasn’t until his remarks about liking me, wishing he’d known me before, etc. that made me realize maybe it wasn’t so innocent after all.

If you don’t mind me asking, how did your guy make the jump from occasional touching and flirting, to asking to meet up? I don’t Think my coworker would be able to do that because it’s not very private where we are, but I’d still like to be prepared.

just want to know if he was being friendly or sending signals.

Stop looking for stuff that isn’t there! if it is why care about it? You are creating unnecessary drama in your mind. Playing out scenarios that most likely will not happen. If you see red flags flying then heed the warning and back off. Trust your gut.

I empathize with the OP. I came from a family where I was totally ignored. My mom was in and out of mental hospitals. My dad was a womanizer & had no interest in me as a daughter. I got caught up with a MM at work. He fed my need for attention & love. Although in retrospect it amounted to abuse. He came on all platonic & friendly to gain my trust. I think he tuned in very well to what my heart needed and took advantage of that.

As soon as I was hooked he used me for sex, then after a few months discarded me. Done with saying yes so busy, stressed or tired. Or excuses that things are going better with wife at home. In reality, he was out chasing other women at work. Humiliating, ti say the least.

My advice to the vulnerable- stay away from friendly MM at work. Its not really that they want to be your friend
It’s take you on a roller coaster ride, only to make you realize later that they really have NO interest in being a friend to you. It’s all about them.

They will feed you empty compliments to hook you. Then when you realize what’s really happening, you pull away. Then they play the victim about awful their life is, how stressed they are. To lure you back in.

Run for your life, please.

So you got a lot of responses. What do you think his intentions are?

A lot of great advice was given here. The most important thing, Ella, is that whatever it is that is going on or what it could develop into is really bad for you. You’re out of abusive relationship, you don’t need more drama. You need either your time alone or a good healthy relationship. You need your self-confidence restored and emotional stability. Flirting with a married man won’t help with that, let alone an affair. You’re already wasting your time here, thinking about this…. This is not good for you. As for his intentions, I think it’s clear that this is not just being friendly. But then, as Newbie said, this doesn’t have to mean anything. I’ve had more crushes in my life that I can count, more than I even remember. Some of them also when I was in a relationship, but then you don’t act on it and it goes away. I’ve also had men crushing on me, but if I didn’t reciprocate, it would be like yesterday’s news before I knew. Crushes like this come ang go, and they’re honestly mean nothing more than, say, craving for some particular food. You really want something sweet, but two hours later you don’t even remember about it. In the meantime, you’re here asking about this guy. Do yourself a favor and back off. He will get over it sooner than you think, and you will, too, and then maybe you can just be friendly coworkers.

“My gut tells me he isn’t fully happy in his marriage and wasn’t kidding when he said he wished he’d known me before. I think he feels a connection and enjoys it. But I don’t think an affair is his ultimate goal. Few people actually set out to have them.”

You could always use it to your advantage when he is venting to you about his wife and offer constructive solutions on how to solve his issue he is complaining about. Be a friend. Do not make it about you. He may not take your suggestions and possibly come up with his own. He’s not going to go to his male buddies for advice because they will just call him a p*ssy. He could go to the wife but it may bring up more problems. I’m sure his wife really loves him and they are both just being stubborn because it requires compromise.

Set boundaries and have it hard coded in your mind nothing sexual or romantic will come out of this between you two because you are the one who is going to stop it from happening. Stop making it all about you and see maybe he is just a guy with nobody to really vent to. The attention from a pretty girl is just an ego boost and nothing more is going to cone from it. See it the same way.

Respectfully, but this is a terrible idea. That’s exactly how married men create bonds outside of their marriage – by finding a girl to confide in and complain about their marriages and wives. Op would only fall for him for him more if she was feeling sorry for him. Not to mention that that in itself is already a form if betrayal – talking about your intimate problems that you may have in your marriage, complaining about your wife – to some strange woman that you’re attracted to.

Thanks to everyone for you feedback again today. He did not come my way today, but I did see him briefly. While he again said that I never Come his way, he seemed much more reserved. Maybe he thought about things over the weekend and felt guilty. Regardless, there was no flirting or suggestive comments, so that’s good.

Another horror story here. Married co-worker started acting super friendly. We went for coffee a few times. After awhile he started saying never ending problems at home. I think he wanted me to feel sympathy for him and us to form a close bond.

I always kept distant and didn’t share much. I pulled away feeling he was telling things that were way too personal.

Well he kept approaching me outside around the office asking why I didn’t like him anymore. Seemed to hurt his ego that I was no longer interested.

I told him that I felt uncomfortable. He apologized up and down to my face but continued to show up suddenly at places I frequented. What a creep.

I couldn’t get rid of him for the longest time!

Here’s a perspective from the other side. This might not be from your coworker’s position but it’s possible. 20 years ago I worked with a woman, around my age. She was getting out of a string of bad relationships culminating in 1 that was physically abusive. He came to the office and hit her outside, I stepped in and stopped him.
She confided in me that she was afraid to leave him, they lived together. I told my wife about what happened and together we got my coworker out of there. Over the next few weeks and months she and I would go to lunch once a week, my wife, our kids and I would stop by her place to check in on her.

She knew I was happily married, has met my family but felt I was giving her special attention and misread the intention. I didn’t think I was flirting with her, nothing sexual or anything was discussed. I did give her some compliments when I thought she was depressed. Nothing inappropriate (I think) but like hey you’re stronger than you think or that was a good decision. She told me that she appreciated my help but couldn’t do anything with me because she respects my wife and wouldn’t do anything to hurt my family. I didn’t get what she was saying until my wife explained it to me. She was nice in how she “rebuffed” me LoL.

The situation was just confused. Years later she told my wife that I was the nicest guy she knew up to that point. Even get father was abusive to her mother so she didn’t see a non abusive relationship. She eventually married a great guy.

Warasen-it sounds like your coworker was really lucky to have you. It’s too bad she misinterpreted your intentions. I did keep wondering whether my coworker’s were innocent, and so that’s why I came Here to get everyone else’s perspective.

Anderson-the part about sexual innuendos from a friend vs colleague is what had me conflicted. While I do joke like that with a few male coworkers, they’re also ones I see A lot more, and we have that type of relationship already. So that’s why I was unsure whether to take it as a joke or him testing the waters.

As far as how I’d feel if he suddenly decided he was leaving his wife for me: we would have to get a heck of a lot closer for him to leave a marriage for me. For all I know his marriage is just perfect, and he’s just messing around. The wish I’d known you before remark could’ve been about something other than his wife? But even if he is miserable, and over time we got closer, I wouldn’t want that. He would have to leave the marriage from his own unhappiness completely independent of me. I’d feel terrible otherwise.

It feels amazing to be desired and admired. Especially after the abuse or trauma you have experienced. I’m sorry for all you have gone through. Getting or wanting that validation from a married man will only bring you back to square one and keep you broken inside.