Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › boyfriend abused my cat and left for the night?!I'm so confused! plus more
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Daisy.
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Rebecca
I don’t for one second consider how he’s treating the cat as “abusive”. From what I’ve read, it’s a girl freaking out because her boyfriend treats the cat like a cat, instead of how she wants him to treat the cat – like a pet, or dare I say, like their future baby.
It’s the same difference between people who leave their dogs outside and those who have them in the bedroom from what I can tell. Sure, he’s a bit rough with the cat, but it’s just an animal to him, something to be trained, not to be pampered or adored. Nothing she’s said constitutes animal abuse.
It doesn’t help Ton that everyone was so quick to jump on the bandwagon and agree with Ton’s assessment that he was being “abusive” towards the cat. And – gosh – therefore he may be abusive towards Ton too (exclamation mark, random capitalization).
Let’s assume for one second that he’s an ordinary guy with a short fuse who’s done nothing wrong towards the cat. He’s controlling, other than that, I think she still loves him.
He’s given the ultimatum. It’s up to her now to assess whether she over-reacted because she had expected him to love the cat as ‘one of the family’, and was hurt when he didn’t – then it’s up to her to decide whether the relationship she’s been in for over a year is worth sacrificing the cat that she’s had for five months for. I’m not trolling – I’m trying to be the one who gives some sane practical advice here.
Stefanie
Rebecca:
Do the world a favor and never take a job that involves spotting abuse.
maria
I agree it was wrong of Ton to get the cat after they had decided against it…
yet, only a sick person abuses an animal, and only a sick person DEFENDS someone who abuses an animal…
and to hit a kitten in the face, throw him in the cage and get pissed and attack the cat because it scratches you BECAUSE you won’t let go of it is ABUSE. Seriously, seek help Rebecca. Please.
LAgirl
Rebecca
If you fully read the posts you will see that he tells her what she can wear and gets upset if she talks with other men, forget the cat for a second. This man is displaying all the signs of a controlling abuser.Not wanting a cat is irrelevant. It showed her his evil side which is violence. Jefferey dalmer, ted buddy , etc all started their abusive careers torturing and killing animals. I’m not saying this man is a serial killer, but my point is it’s not a far reach to go from hurting animals to hurting people.
You totally don’t get this picture. Most of us responding here have been in abusive relationships .. Including me.. And can spot an abuser a mile away.
Rebecca
I seem to be the only one who does get the picture. I repeat: he’s not torturing the animal – anyone who reads the OP’s post as torture is seriously overacting.
Sure, he should use a squirter instead of hitting it in the face, but how exactly do you think he hit the cat in the face? I guess you’re picturing him making a fist and throwing a punch at the cat, whereas I’m picturing him shoving it away, which is a natural reaction and one the cat will learn to understand.
As for putting it in the cage, that’s not cruelty at all. The cage is the cat’s own space in the house, it’s where a cat should spend most of its time, particularly if the owners are out. If the cat misbehaves and scratches then absolutely it should be caged for a while.
Onto the guy himself:
I already acknowledged he was controlling. But if my boyfriend doesn’t want me to wear a particularly slutty dress or what have you I will respect that. If my boyfriend thinks a certain piece of clothing is unflattering, I’ll listen to him and appreciate his honesty. I won’t always bend to his wishes, but he’s allowed to have feelings about what I wear and how I dress: the fact he even notices what I’m wearing is a good sign.
I also think it’s kinda nice when a guy gets jealous you talk to other men. Shouldn’t stop you talking to other men. Not ideal, but it shows they have insecurities too.
You need to stop painting this guy as an abuser and look at the relationship itself. Just because someone doesn’t like cats doesn’t make them a bad person.
Carrie
Rebecca, I have my PhD and much of my field work included working with domestic violence victims . Many of their stories started out like Ton’s. He was a bit “jealous”, a bit “controlling” and had a temper. No big deal, right? WRONG. These behaviors are red flags and sure there is a chance he might not turn into an abuser, but if Ton were your daughter, would you want her to take that chance? Get real. If this was your daughter or sister or friend, you as a responsible female figure in her life would be telling her to leave. The only condition that would prevent you from doing so is if you lack clarity on the subject. And of course that could be the result of past domestic abuse that has not properly been dealt with.
My deepest respect here goes out to the women who have survived domestic abuse and are now strong enough to support and try to prevent others from that journey.
Stefanie
OK, Rebecca, you’ve given your two cents. You DO surely realize that no one else is going to agree with you.
LAYING A HAND ON AN ANIMAL OR PERSON FOR ANY REASON WITH INTENT TO HARM OR PUNISH IS ABUSE. JOKING ABOUT HITTING AN ANIMAL OR A PERSON ISN’T FUNNY AND IS ONE STEP OFF ABUSE.
If you don’t agree, fine. Kindly take it somewhere else.
Phillygurl
Rebecca, I had to get my emotions in check before I responded to your posts. You have no idea what you are talking about. It is infuriating to listen to someone, (especially a female!) downplay the warning signs and behaviors of an abuser. In essense people like you are enablers who tell abbuse victims that what they are experiencing is normal, and there is something wrong with them-and that the only rational decision is to placate the abuser. Now let me tell you, I know firsthand a victim is a mentality. Because it is a state of mind-a lack of self worth-a desire to please others, and the belief that with enough love you can change and “save” the broken damaged person conducting the abuse.Your opinions are the type that help perpetuate the cycle. I do believe Ton needs to take responsibility for herself and her actions, because she is half of the relationship-but her fault is staying and making excuses for his bad behavior and tolerating it. HE IS THE ABUSER-AND I REPEAT… HE IS AN ABUSER!!! Real love is based on mutual respect and admiration-you have to have healthy self love before you can truly love another. An abuse victim does not have healthy self esteem-hence the ability to excuse evil behavior. I truly hope you dont have animals or children-that may sound really mean, but I’m sorry your way of thinking horrifies me. We should protect the weaker and smaller of us-human especially but non-human as well. It took me years to learn why I stayed in an abusive situation, and learn to love and like myself, and be able to love others in a healthy mutually beneficial way. I don’t regret what I went through. It made me more compassionate, more understanding, more loving, gracious, and humbled. It also made me tougher. As others have said, once a victim, you can spot the personality traits a mile away-and learn NOT TO EXCUSE OR IGNORE THEM. I am not overly sensitive or paranoid, but I have become smarter. So I know what I say when I say you have NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT. I am worried about TON-becasue she is displaying all the traits of a victim-which means she is looking for ANY AND EVERY justification and excuse to stay, which you verbally vomitted on here. That is not helpful, wise, or show great clarity. I have learned to become strong, and tough and still be capable of great love, tenderness and vulnerability. But it was through developing healthy boundaries, understanding and respect . Both Ton and her boyfriend have no idea what respect is(self or for each other). If they had, this situation wouldn’t be happening. But Ton can get away, heal, and learrn this-if she really wants to-and doesn’t listen to you… I can’t agree with Raven, Stephanie, Carrie, or LAGirl’s assessments more. Rebecca go away. Normally I believe everyone is entitled to their opinion and say-but not when it further endangers or harms another-and you’re thinking is flawed
buttercup
Maybe Ton should be more specific in HOW he hit that cat. Was it a shove or was it a punch?
I’m not disputing the fact that her boyfriend is showing red flags, and that he has the potential to become an abuser.I agree with all of that.
I just wanted to say that in general, every dog/cat owner I know loses their patience with their pets from time to time. Just like mothers lose patience with their children from time to time. Children anddogs/cats can all behave quite wild until trained in what is acceptable.
maria
Rebecca, why do you say “PUTTING the cat in the cage” and “if the cat misbehaves and scratches”, when Ton clearly said that he was THROWING the cat in the cage, and that the cat scratched because the guy refused to let go of it (in other words the cat DID NOT misbehave)?
Why do you change Ton’s words and the story, and try to make this guy look better that he in reality is?
And no, a cat should not spend most of it’s time in cage. That comment alone shows that you know nothing about cats/animals… and nothing you say on the subject should be taken serioulsy because of that.
Stefanie
Buttercup, with all due respect, it is NEVER okay to discipline any living creature, including animals, by hitting them or being rough with them. Obviously if an animal is into a place it doesn’t belong, attacking something else, then you have to get them under control. But hitting any being for punishment is abuse. Period. Think about it – a KITTEN is a baby.
buttercup
I never said it was ok to discipline with hitting and being aggressive.
I simply meant we can all lose our patience sometimes with our pets and children. Doesnt mean its acceptable to lash out, but many of us do sometimes lose control when under an amount of stress.
Lala
GET OUT! NOW. I mean it.
It always starts with a mean behavior. In this case it was your cat, because you clearly love it. Then, when you choose him over your cat, he will have power over you. You will go on losing pieces of yourself. Today, you let the cat go. Tomorrow, he won’t like your friends and you will let them go too, and so on. Then you will be alone. And I am telling you, it is really difficult to get out of an abusive relationship.
You may think he is not that bad. You will make excuses on his behavior. You will take the blame. I am telling you, leave now before you become even more attached and it is more difficult. I know it is hard, I have been there. That’s why I see what you can’t.
If you can go to your dad’s. Take your things and the cat and do so. And if you are scared of him being violent if you leave, tell your dad to pick you up. Really, your boyfriend is no good…
I am scared for you, really. I hope it helps you.
Stefanie
I see Buttercup… thanks for clarifying.
Lala, we are all hoping (except for one person) that Ton gets out before something happens. So many of us have been there.
Rebecca
Maria – “I threw my rubbish in the bin”: did I throw my rubbish in the bin in the literal sense? Don’t get caught up on semantics just because you don’t like my point of view.
I’m the one person who I hope Ton finds a new home for her cat and goes on to live a happy life with the guy she loves, and who loves her. A cat is just a cat: a relationship’s worth more than that. #ZeusOut
Stefanie
Rebecca, why do you feel the need to keep posting on this thread??? You know you’re the only one who feels this way and you’ve made your point multiple times now. MOVE ON. No one on any of these forum threads gets a warm response after saying the same thing over and over. Particularly when you know perfectly well the other posters find what you have to say inflammatory.
I’m not going to address you again and my suggestion is that no one else does either. Let’s stay on point – helping Ton if she posts again.
maria
EVERYBODY throws their rubbish in the bin, but ONLY a SEVERELY DISTURBED person throws a cat, you ignorant troll.
Ton
Hello. I’m posting an update. Although still with my boyfriend. He has calmed down with the kitten.. nothing has happened since then. We have gotten in a few fights here and there.. he became very distant then came back..and I told him I would leave if he ever touched the kitten and I have a place to go. I don’t wear anything bad or “slutty”.. when I chose clothing I cover up alot. He doesn’t like me wearing leggings… The kitten was getting yelled at for just staring at him. And he would just get annoyed with it for meowing and everything else I have stated in prior posts (in the beginning) he hasn’t done since I posted it. I was going through a rough time when i posted on the forum and I have appreciated everyone’s help and advice. I have listened. I know what abuse is when it comes to a pet. I now it’s not right what he had done before
Ton
Our relationship was on and off for a little bit but this past week has been great…
Ton
Thank you once again for the advice/help I appreciate the support.
ashley
Tom as Somone who has been in mental and emotional abuse even though it’s a woman let me say one thing. It will drive you crazy. Without support this will eat you up. The girls had physical but it’s the emotional and mental abuse that will wear you down till you want to slit your throat because you are not good enough. Having everyone here was a nice luxury I did not have. Often at times the emotional abuse is because he’s not completely happy with what he is. These are not good for a relationship especially for one who takes care of others. When one you care for is suffering and you can’t fix it, it’s best to give space. I’d say move to a place with a friend or next door. I’m saying that your kitten surprise is actually smart. Pretending like it’s an unexpected pregnancy, you know he needs fathering lessons. (trust me most men leave when a baby is created and skip child support a kitten plays a good test) The worst of the mental is when it’s good, it’s so good that you stay for it. I suggest you move to another house if he’s truly changed then move back in a year or six months no sooner. I’m a proud owner of a ten month old kitten. I never hurt her. She claws something I try to move her to a scratching post (even if the said scratching post doesn’t hold her attention.) She gets onto the table I move her to her cat dish or to my bed. The Ultimatum was also out of line and whoever says relationships are worth more than a feline must not realize that felines are a girl’s best friend unless you are more of a dog person. Animals love you unconditionally. This is rare in human pyche. So you should choose the kitten. If you stay as soon as it becomes rough waters, go with your kitten to somewhere safe. Some fights like control over what to wear is a thing about someone over stepping bounds.
Stefanie
Ton, really glad to hear from you. Thanks for posting an update. Pleased to know he has laid off the cat.
Someone needing to control what you wear is not normal or healthy. That is all I’m going to say.
We love you here.
Rebecca
Glad to hear he came back Ton! I knew he was a good guy, and that people had blown it out of proportion. Hope things keep going great between you. :)
ton
Now he’s not even sure if he wants to be in a relationship with me.. he says all I do is bi*<h. I’m so frustrated with things now. Everything I say or do is annoying to him. I’m just tired and sad.. I’m confused and hurt. I visited my mom to
day and we talked a bit about it.. I don’t know if he got in a fight with me this time because he didn’t want to go bc he didn’t come with me and we fought before I left.. I apparently annoy him by asking “stupid” questions.. I don’t get it. I feel like he is making out to be the crazy one. I confront him about things he does and he hates it I try talking about it to make it work and he’s annoyed about it and all he says is I don’t know.. he says it will be better if I stop bi*<hing. Ehh. So frustrated and sadton
Me out to be the crazy one** he could careless if I’m sitting there crying with no comfort from him. I’m the one trying.. I feel like in done but it hurts to let go.
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