Boyfriend came home at 6:30 AM

Hi, I understand how you are feeling but it seems to me like he needs therapy. It also seems like this incident has happened for the first time. If I were in your place I would speak with him in detail and tell him that this behaviour makes you uncomfortable and that you think he should seek therapy and you’re ready to support him through this. That is, if he has treated you well otherwise. Additionally he comes from a certain kind of family background so I think he needs your support all the more. In case he does not admit to his mistake and acts funny when you bring it up then you might need a different approach but as of now, I’d say please keep your communication channels open and have a long conversation with him. It will help

Ok I experienced a long term relationship of turmoil when I lived with my bf for 3 years and things just went from bad to worse. I met him at 22, together a year, then lived together for 3. He was always very sociable, a guy about town, a lad, always out and about, drinking, the last one standing at a party, never came home after just a couple of drinks…. Always ended up staying out and onto a club…. Then onto a party…

Sometimes guys think that living together is them spending quality time with you, so the romance and wooing dimishes. In my experience, I became the nagging “wife” wondering when he was coming home, the mother, the cleaner, the cook, and he just saw me as the person ruining his fun whilst he would come and go. I did eventually leave (the straw that broke the camel’s back was him eventually cheating on me because he just pushed and pushed the boundaries. And seemingly always got away with it, because I wasn’t going anywhere and therefore, accepted being treated this way. It took the extremity of cheating for me to finally leave.)

This is a crucial point right now for you, and one which you must handle carefully, thoroughly and extremely assertively. If you let him away with this type of behaviour once, twice… it will continue to happen. Now that you live together there is no real consequence to his actions. Because he has you right where he wants you and knows you’re not going anywhere. The need for him to keep you on your toes, pay you attention and pursue you are gone – he got you!

How old is he? What if the shoe was on the other foot and you stayed out all night partying? But of course you would never do that… and he knows you wouldn’t.

What I learned is, I would never let things go this far now. I am a professional who works 9-5 and works very hard. I would never date someone who’s lifestyle was centred around nightlife now and certainly now someone that affected my ability to perform in my work (tired from being up all night worried and angry) – that is not a supportive partner. But aside from that, he did not respect me. He was not considerate of me and my needs. I had lost my self esteem and understanding of what is and isn’t reasonably acceptable treatment from a bf!

Give him one warning only. Make sure he knows it is a final warning. And if he does this again, you MUST follow through and walk. Giving him chance after chance only makes you a doormat and he’ll continue to take the p*ss.

It’s not about being in a cage. But it IS about him respecting the person he lives with and is in a relationship with.

I don’t think she should have to stay out til 6.30am in order for her to give him a taste of his own medicine and for her point to be made. That’s childish tit for tat. He should be mature enough to understand what’s unfair about the way he has treated her.

Obviously we do not know the ins and outs of her relationship, and in my previous message, I was describing worst case scenario.

I don’t think you’re being dramatic but since it is the first time in a year that he’s done this, I’d give him the benefit of the doubt… Maybe it was a complete fluke even though it seems ridiculous. I’d just be like “First off, 6:30’s a bit intense, don’t you think? Second, next time just shoot me a text from someone’s elses phone if you’re planning to stay out late *NOT 6:30 late but just late… I was worried about you”. Then let it go. Happens again, that’s when you leave because you’ve clearly stated and set that boundary. Although all of this SHOULD have already been assumed on his end, you had never dealt with it so cut him a little slack

She is being dramatic. I am not saying she should not mention this is not ok, but this is not the world ending and it seems he just got stupid. Men do that and people do that…

If this man has never done it before, a silly correction is all that is needed. No need to turn it into more than it is, which was a silly mistake of not contacting her. Simply say “Sweetie, my guess is your hangover is punishment is enough. I have a request, can you please let me know when you will be home so late? I feel worried and do not sleep well otherwise…. Thanks honey bunny”.

It was the first time his done something like this. I would find a good time to bring up the issue and state what’s upset you in a nice/non accusatory manner. Maybe explain, you’re cool if he goes out late but at least let you know so you’re not waiting in anticipation. I don’t think it’s right to control someone’s actions. He should voluntary not want to hang out late rather than forced not to hang out late. I notice guys don’t like to be controlled. You gotta do it tactfully if you do.
Also, I am suffering from insecurity problems but I told myself there is no point suspecting the worst from my partner. If you guys had a chat, and you both know where you stand, you just gotta trust him. Don’t ruin your happiness/ life but always living in fear. I found this worked for me and I am a happier person now and my relationship has improved because I don’t act funny- a response from my insecurity.

So I don’t think it’s dramatic because the behavior WAS inappropriate but I’ll tell myself it was UNintentional this time… IF it happens again, I’d have no choice but to accept it prob WAS intentional = shady = disrespectful = BYE! Lol

I don’t think it’s acceptable to come home at that hour PERIOD.
Since it was the first time I would let him know that I’m not okay with him coming home at that hour without a phone call.

If,I saw a pattern of him doing this then yes, I would pack my bags and leave.
She did mention that his father was this way with his mother. So, he grew up seeing this type of thing. Who knows if he sees this as okay behavior.

Before we jump down her throat and say she’s acting like a mother, let’s keep the family history in mind.

Khadija makes a very valid point. We all would be upset at his coming home at 6:30. It’s not that she needs to know where he is, she’s just concerned. It has nothing to do with her being a mother, she does not care if he hangs out with his friends all night. It was the lack of consideration he had towards her and yes his phone was dead (good excuse) but like she said, he has her # memorized. ANYONE who denies that they wouldn’t give a rats ass is not being honest.

Jess – He may not see this as a bad thing to do, that’s why you should try to calm down. Unless you see actions that he did that on purpose or if it’s just careless behavior. We all have those moments, not as bad as most but try to have compassion. Talk it through without blaming and let him know that it did bother you and your reasons will be heard. Try not to nag or complain about it. If it keeps happening then you’ll know what you need to do.

I never said she should not address it, I said she should not overdramatize a one time event.

I would never be ok with it on a weekly basis. I would be on with it happening once and then him making sure he kept in touch to let me know where he was. He started going out at midnight, it was not 6 pm. Creating a big issue is going to do two things:

A. Encourage him to have more of a reason to stay out
B. Make her the bad guy

How you get a good outcome:
Express you frustration in term of caring and effect on you without anger and as a request
Do not threaten or blame him

If he continues – then dump him.

LMBO! Girl bye. Stay out until 6am if you want, yo ass wont get in. Promise the locks will change, or he will come home to an empty bed.
But first offense gets a warning :)

Okay not normal in here to close at 2am,thats considered pretty early!
Indeed I do go out until 5am and enjoy it, as I as its nothing wrong in here its part of our culture.