Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Boyfriend ignored me– ended things?
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Heather.
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Heather
Hey guys I’m really sad. IT looks like my warning didn’t do anything and She is still witj him.
I’m having a hard time how’s could this woman believe me or dump this man?
SHE has so much evidence against him and I thoightnall my pain would be worth it if I could help another woman escape his ways . :do you think he’s changed for her? /!: will they end up
Yeah yeah yeah
People do what they want to do… You can’t control that. And every relationship is going to be slightly different. Although you did it with good intentions, you probably now seen as the “crazy ex who can’t let things go.”
Ashley
It’s usually not a good idea to tell the woman & mind your business. I understand & empathize with your pain, but you need to stop & let go now. You know what kind of lowlife he is now, so there is nothing to miss. Let a dog be a dog. None of this is your concern anymore. Leave it be & move on.
Heather
I understand the ‘crazy ex who can’t let things go’
However, isn’t this different because he was cheating on us both at the same time? Its not like he met her 2 months later and I came swooping back in. I think she deserved to know and not waste her time. I wish someone had told me, seriously, it would have saved me so much heartbreak.Jo
She will find out soon enough. He hasn’t changed. She’s just not ready to fully accept it yet.
Yeah yeah yeah
True, in a sense, but the guy could have just as easily fed her some BS to make you look like an unreliable source and she believes it because she desperately wants it. So until it all of this plays out, there’s a good chance that you will be seen as the “crazy ex”.
Hannah
She’s a weak person for not letting him go. You did your best but ultimately it’s up to her if she wants to stay with a liar and a cheat.
Phillygirl
Heather, all this is incredibly unhealthy!! This has become an obsession with you, and it has to stop!
This man is no longer in your life, this other woman is grown, and she is allowed to make whatever (bad ) choices she wants. I think she’s a fool, but that is beside the point.
I know you don’t want to hear this, but I don’t believe you would have dumped him if some strange women came to you with this info, either! Why? Because it’s been over for some time, yet you have done NOTHING to let go. You are the one abusing yourself now. It’s unfortunate and makes me very sad for you-but you are WAY TOO INVESTED in all this.
You are NEVER going to move forward this way! You need to stop the pity party and move on! I say this with caring in my heart, but this is really over the top.
You are acting like a victim, and as if this is all still happening to you. It’s isn’t-yet you are still completely preoccupied with him. He’s gone! And you should THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS!
I am really concerned, and I truly think you need to speak to someone. A therapist or counselor could help you get to the root of your issues. There are much deeper matters that must be at play, for the way you are obsessing over him.
It’s normal to be sad and hurt, but your constant absorption with this is very detrimental to your well being.
This is a part of dating. Most guys will NOT be a good match for us, for a myriad of reasons.
Instead of acting dejected, and feeling rejected, you should feel relieved this idiot is gone from your life. It’s okay to be sad at first, but you are dwelling on this and actively staying involved in details of his life that are honestly, at this point, NONE of your business.
LET IT GO.
Kathy
@Heather, Maybe the reason you are obsessing about this guy is because you don’t want to focus on your own life and how happy you are in it. If you focus on your life and the life of people you like and care about, you will be happier and more fulfilled.
Leave the trash where it needs to be, in the trash..
Heather
Hey all,
I know it is not healthy. I am seeing a counselor. I am trying to better myself. Its extremely hard. Its just hard because I was falling in love with this man. I truly would have given him the world. He was so incredible to me. I just can’t believe what happened and how awful he treated me in the end. The worst part is he never even missed me because he always has someone. I just don’t understand who does this in their 30’s to someone who was so sweet and warm to them?
Phillygirl
There are bad people in the world. Some men are predators, some are just so screwed up and mired in their own issues, and some are such a mess that people are just toys to them to dispose of as they see fit.
If you’ve never dated a guy before with any type of personality disorder count yourself lucky.
Can you imagine being with someone like that (who is MUCH worse than your ex, BTW) who gets you pregnant and drops you like trash, then continues for years to try to mess with your head?
Well , that is my son’s dad. I will not go into detail about what he put me through, but at one point when I was pregnant- I was feeling suicidal. It was a true NIGHTMARE.
But I got through it, and I’m stronger and happier than ever. I made a choice he would NOT break me and I would learn from the experience.
We have to be our own protector and fight for ourselves. Family and friends can love us, but only we can fight the fight against those who try to take advantage.
You have to bury the little girl inside who is playing victim. Open your eyes and learn from what this experience taught you, and break out the beautiful fighter inside you.
If you’re still breathing there IS a fighter in there.
This man does NOT define you. He doesn’t OWN you or your heart. He doesn’t tell your truth or determine your value. He’s a gnat on the windshield of life!!
You did not love HIM. Truth is you didn’t even know him. You loved the fantasy of who you drew up in your mind, not the real person. Because you now know the real person is a lousy human being. Let that sink in- you were falling for a made up image!
You can not let moments in time define you….UNLESS you use these instances to learn, grow, and become stronger. And you CAN- If and when you choose to do so.
Okay, you moved too fast, had the wool pulled over your eyes, and feel like a little of your innocence was stolen. Life is more about the perception of what we face and how we deal with it…than the cards we are dealt.
Be an OVERCOMER..someone who overcomes adversity and still lets their light shine.
You are down but not out. So get up. And know this is a little stumble on the long walk of life. Or are you going to sit there with your head in your hands, never moving because you tripped? Never moving on, never getting up, staying stuck and sad and stationary?
I don’t think so. Fight! Fight to move forward and for your eventual happiness..
This was NEVER the guy for you. You fell for an imaginary shadow of a character made up in your mind. Be glad you know what he really is and he’s gone!
Honeypie
Heather, I just looked back to when you first posted. Nearly six weeks ago now…
You need to choose if this is horrid fog of despair is something you now want to remain in, or if you want to claw back on this. Honey you were more determined and together when you sent your original post! Strong and sure…
Since then, you have learnt about his cowardly and immoral behaviour. He should be going down in your estimation not up, in regard to your desire for him to want you. Because that’s what I see. You have such an overwhelming need for him to make this better for you, to come back and say it was a mistake and he should have picked you and not be with the other woman.
What are you doing to detach from this and alter your intense feelings ? Tell me honestly, there’s nothing to lose by saying, the women on here want to see you stand back up from this…. so come on and out with it: list the stalking and preoccupied behaviour that’s occurring here.
HOW often are you checking social media/whatsapp when he’s last on, fb, instagram… and hers too? How often? And when ? Through the day, at night, both? Please answer these questions and then I’ll come back with some more thoughts.
My suspicion is it’s a lot, btw…
Heather
Honeypie,
Sorry I haven’t checked this post in a while. I am trying to work on myself. At that time, I was checking it occasionally. However, keep in mind I had deleted him on everything prior to us breaking up.
I haven’t checked anything in a few weeks. I am trying to just promise myself to not do that. I think it helps me.
I guess I just was so hurt that he cheated on me for a while, and part of me did miss him. It would just be nice to be chosen or be the only one a man wants. I went through a very tough 2 year break up where my old boyfriend left me for some girl he worked with and he was never honest. I cut him off that day we ended and we never spoke again. With this man, I saw a real future and things just seemed right. I know now that clearly they were not. I am just going through this for the first time and struggle with my part in this. I truly do not think I did anything wrong.
Lane
Heather, you did do something wrong here—you trusted someone you HARDLY KNEW and that is the mistake you made and the consequence of doing so.
Like the saying goes “if its too good to be true, it usually is!” It takes a long time to really get to the core of a person. He wears a mask to show the world what a great man he is, but it was just a facade. The one thing about humans is they can’t fake it for too long and eventually their true selves are exposed and the good thing is it was exposed early.
When I was young I met this kind of man. He literally whisked me off my feet, proposed and we were planning our wedding when cheated. He apologized profusely, said he was drunk but I didn’t care, told him I would not marry a cheater and broke up with him. I was THANKFUL I found out who he was before I married because after I dumped him I heard from my cousin that he knocked up a girl, got hooked on drugs, and was booted out of the marine corp. My cousin’s husband told me years later that he had like five or six marriages and/or kids then went to prison for nine years for vehicular manslaughter (DUI)…needless to say I dodged a major bullet!!!
This was a eye opening experience for me, I learned that you cannot blindly trust nor really know someone until you’ve been with them for a very very long time which is why I made my (now ex) husband wait over 2.5 years before I finally said “I do.”
The lesson here is to take your sweet time getting to know someone, carefully watch and observe, and try not to fall down the rabbit hole so fast next time.
Emma
Heather, I am very sorry for your pain. I do’t think 6 weeks is a long time to recover from this type of thing. You were falling for him, prematurely of course, but you had all those feelings and then you got stabbed in your heart, figuratively speaking. This type of wound takes a long time to heal. It is big blow to your self esteem as a woman too. It is normal to feel very upset and hurt.
What you need to tell yourself is that you really did dodge a bullet.
If it makes you feel better, there will be consequences of what you told his GF. It might take a while for them to materialize, but do not think that she would forget such a thing. it probably cracked their relationship down the middle, and it is only a matter of time before it falls crumbling down. And I agree that it would be for her benefit as well.
What you really need to look into as why you pick cheaters. Not all men are cheaters, in fact I’d say majority is not. It takes a special time to actually follow through and physically cheat, lie, conceal, pretend, etc. Most men would feel guilty and either stop or come out clean, whatever the consequences. Most people find it very burdensome to lie to someone they live with.
You are very trusting and you need to learn how to read people better. Stop thinking about this guy and think about YOU. Start a “me” project and try to read, learn, understand, observe people, and especially men, and try to see where you fall prey to the charms of cheaters. They are usually the ones who say all the right things, too charming, too good to be true. if a guy is too smooth to me it is a warning sign. I would trust someone who is a bit awkward much more than someone who is “confident” and smooth, always says the right thing, come on strong, etc.
You really did dodge a bullet girl, learn from that, and this awful will actually help you find a good guy, the man with integrity, whom you can trust, not some scumbag pardon my language. LOL
Heather
Lane & Emma,
Thank you both it has definitely been a journey.
Emma, I know you are right too– but I was definitely played by an actor. He did appear ‘awkward’. It was almost the perfect act. He wasn’t super smooth– that’s why I was thrown for a loop. Sure, he said perfect things via text and stuff but he was an awkward guy and I loved that about him.
Its just something I struggle with, I felt so confident when we were dating, and finding all this out just kind of crumbled it a bit.
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