Boyfriend keeps threatening to leave after we argue

He has some sort of issue, that’s clear. I’m glad you called his bluff! His issue needs to be fixed by him. It’s not your problem & you can’t fix it so even if you got back together he wouldn’t have changed, as that takes serious work.

Lea,

This is one of my biggest pet peeves. I personally think it is fighting dirty. My personal philosophy is that you should not bring up the “B word” (and if you’re married absolutely the “D word”), unless you are dead serious and 100% ready to leave.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months as well, but we haven’t had a disagreement or argument yet. So, I haven’t had the opportunity to lay down any fighting fair rules. But, when (this isn’t an if because if you’re together long enough eventually you have to disagree about something) we do get in our first fight, I will definitely make it very clear that if he threatens to break up with me I will take it seriously and assume things are over.

Threatening to break up with your partner every time you fight is the relationship equivalent of crying wolf. It undermines the trust in the relationship, and creates a break up/reconcile cycle that’s unhealthy and prevents the relationship from progressing correctly.

First, I would ask yourself why you’ve had two major fights and one disagreement in just 5 months. My personal philosophy is that nothing is really worth fighting over, and 5 months should still be well within the honeymoon period of a relationship. Second, if you decide to take him back, then you need to have a very relaxed, objective conversation about resolving conflict. Lay down clear rules, and reiterate that you do not believe in threatening to break up. Establish that you will both remind eachother of the rules each time a conflict arises, and that if he threatens to leave again then he will suffer the consequences of his words.

I think you did the right thing in calling his bluff. Threatening the relationship is highly manipulative and it only works a certain amount of times before the other person thinks “You know what, I don’t want you to have this power over my feelings any more”.

Many of my breakups have been because the man threatened our relationship one too many times and I was done.

If you take him back have a serious talk with him about what you will and won’t accept in a disagreement and see if he takes it seriously. The next time you argue, see what he does but if he threatens the relationship again walk for good.

Every time we argued, my boyfriend thought I was going to break up. He had an abuse wife and other verbally abusive girlfriends who called him names and what not. Me? I don’t even raise my voice, say I love you but do tell him how mad I am, never call names etc….but I started to notice his defensiveness and he would even become so angry and 2 times even yelled at me and looked terrified….I quickly was like WHOA, stop that crap!

I assured him I am not breaking up with him–EVER during a fight. I said/promised him that if we ever break up he’ll see it coming, and we would have an adult talk about it..it ain’t gonna be out of anger or during an argument.

So, pay attention to your boyfriend. This forum is VERY quick to judge sometimes. Many of us are with amazing men who like us women are loving, and deserve love and patience. Have a calmed and safe talk with him. I did that with my boyfriend and he stopped that. Never again.

I have given him reasons to be upset many times after that, but he no longer blows up like a gas station. Instead he feels safe and can see that I am only venting.

Just one bad relationship or marriage can break you so much that you become afraid and defensive when communicating in other relationships.

LAST very important, you may firmly believe and think you are not attacking him when you argue, but you could be talking to him in a way that he feels like it is an “attack” and he gets defensive quickly.

Raven you got it wrong, it is

Manipulative
Emotionally abusive
Neglectful

Men, am I right ladies? All jokes aside INCOGNITO nailed it, it is a defense mechanism most likely from past abuse from other women, don’t take it personal nor judge him, be reassuring and patient, continue to show that love!

Yeah, this is not a good way to argue….it is the nuclear threat to a relationship.

You have good smarts here. And yes, some men walk away when there is an argument since they cannot handle the emotions…but declaring walking away for good is a ploy.

When you do talk with him face to face tell him you NEED a man who is willing to stay through the good times and bad….and if he does not feel up to the task then to walk for good.

What do you keep arguing about? At 5 months?

He loves you but is willing to end this over text, without sorting it out in person? I would write to him that you would like to talk about it in person and not leave it like this on text. It sounds like a very immature way to deal with something so important!

I have asked him to resolve it face to face and the text I got was him basically saying it was over yet he wants to stay in touch. I just think for now I should avoid contact with him for a while and test out how I feel without him. I think I’ve made him feel insecure and now he can’t forgive me because of that. Some guys had been messaging me and I told him about it as I wanted to be honest. I did not initiate any contact with these guys they just popped up and he asked me about one of them and I told him it was a guy I had been seeing on and off in the past but it was just casual. He then judged me as the type of girl who enjoys casual sex, but this was in the past and it has nothing to do with him what I did in my past. This is what this argument has stemmed from. We had one previous argument around the two month mark but resolved it on that evening which was about something different. Also a few weeks ago a guy snapchatted me and this really annoyed him so I deleted snapchat and haven’t used it since. It’s social media getting in the way and to me this just feels so petty and immature that he can’t let it go.

No van1962 he broke it off with me but keeps messaging me xxx

Ok. I re-read it. I see it now…he messaged you afterwards. You didn’t play yourself, so I would say as I said earlier, since you broke it off with him then keep it that way. Don’t have second thoughts about what you did. I think you did the right thing. It seems to be a much a needed effort on your part. You probably need your space from the drama…for now any ways.

He needs time to think, with self analysis.

I’ll admit that I was at fault and that i upset him but I don’t think it was enough for him to want to end things. I told him I want someone who wants to be with me even if I do put a foot wrong, not someone who wants to run whenever shit hits the fan. Relationships are hard work, did he expect it to be easy all of the time? It’s annoying because we get along and it’s usually pretty smooth sailing. To me what we have argued about is nothing, however to him it seems like a massive thing.