Boyfriend not initiating plans, lack of balance in the relationship

So, he gets to do what he wants, but you have to apologize for taking care of your needs?

You know this isn’t working… It’s more about compatibility.
Is this the life that you want to live?

I can see what all of you are saying and I agree, i should have communicated it to him that I wanted to spend uninterrupted time together. This is different than my other relationships in that regardless of who it was I was with, we regularly spent at least two days of the weekend together. It was something I never worried about. I lived with my last two boyfriends and even before we moved in together, I’d regularly see them like at least 1-2 days during the week, and then most of the days pretty much every weekend. They both worked night and day shifts throughout the course of the relationships, but never the hours he did. I was even in a long distance relationship with a partner living in another country, but didn’t have many issues. Obviously, we didn’t see each other much in person but texted and Skyped at night and we did plan our times together for the future. You know, I had faster paced relationships with guys before and obviously I’m not with them now. I also worry that it’s not truly a lack of compatibility but a lack of confidence that he even wants to see me. That this could be a problem with any guy I’d be with and that unless someone was practically all over me all the time and desperate (which I don’t want) or trying to take things really fast which isn’t great either. You have all said for the most part it’s not a lack of interest that you believe is the problem, which is what I’m concerned about since he did initiate things more in the beginning. I realize he’s never going to be super at initiating plans, but is it unreasonable to do what I’m doing and wait a few days to reach out for plans? He called today and we got to talking about swimming and I mentioned I was looking forward to swimming with him sometime at his complex and he said hopefully we would soon. He seemed happy to talk to me and interested to hear about my day. So I just wonder what you ladies would do if you like and want the relationship to work in this case about the night shift. Would you give it a few days and then just ask if he’d like me to come up? I have no issue planning a trip like Liz mentioned..I’ve done that for my mom and I or planned outings for other boyfriends.

You seem to be basing your expectations of this relationship on your previous relationships. That’s a mistake. This guy is who he is. You have to decide if you can be happy with someone like him. He sounds like a good guy, but maybe not the right fit for you. I’m only basing this assumption on the posts you’ve made, so I could be wrong.

I agree with Anon that you seem to be really trying to drive this relationship. You’ve only been dating 3 months and have only been a couple for 2 months. It’s very early days. Try to relax and communicate better.

Since he is already officially your boyfriend, I see no reason to play games or wait for him to do anything as he doesn’t view this as a problem. You can tell him immediately that with both of your busy schedules you find it easier to block time off in advance, and suggest a day to go swimming. See how that conversation goes. If there’s continued tension or difficultly, then you aren’t on the same page about how much couple time in person you spend together, and you’ll have to really think about if that’s the kind of relationship you want. It may be like Liz said, and frankly is the case with my own boyfriend too, that he’s simply never going to be a planner in the taking initiative way you’re concerned with, but will always be happy to spend time with you and show up for the plans you kick off (my bf actively has ideas for what to do and plans for the activities in the most preparedness way possible, but I need to actually initiate and say, we should do that thing we once talked about this week).

Last time you posted about this, I also suggested you look into love languages and attachment styles, and I still stand by that advice.

“my bf actively has ideas for what to do and plans for the activities in the most preparedness way possible, but I need to actually initiate and say, we should do that thing we once talked about this week”

Maddie, are we dating the same guy? LOL! I love my bf to death but he’s honestly a space cadet. He loses track of time to the point he’ll forget to eat. I think it’s an executive functioning issue, i have very high executive functioning skills & he just doesn’t. Anyway I digress– he has many other wonderful qualities & is my best friend, so I’ve learned to live with it & accept him. Some women would not.

It’s really a question of whether the guy is a good fit for you overall. If you feel angry & upset about the relationship,that’s a bad sign.

It sounds like you are looking to Hollywood as your “ideal relationship” and in doing so sabotage your relationships.

You are too much into your head, jump in too fast, then look for ‘perfection’ in what you believe a man is suppose to do, how he should act, or behave to prove he likes/loves you, which is why you are riddled with so much anxiety when he doesn’t ‘measure up’ to you expectations. The fact you are ‘nit picking’ every cotton pickin thing he doesn’t do is the fast road to a break up because if a man doesn’t think can ever make you happy, being WHO he is, then he will dump you for a woman who does.

My ex husband, and current partner are very different. My ex husband sucked at planning, so I did it which was OK because I’m a natural planner so I naturally took it over, especially when the kids came along. My current partner is a planning guru! It was difficult for me, initially, to give up the planning reins but I just let him take it over because he loves to do it, and if he’s happy, I’m happy! They both courted me similarly, however I don’t jump into relationships early, I patiently wait a few months to make sure we mesh really well first, because its easy for one to be on ‘good behavior’ for a short bit (first 2-3 months)—its the time after that will determine the kind or type of person they truly are as they start letting their guard down. He’s letting his guard down but you are keeping yours up, hence why you’re so overly critical at this point.

Communication is a very critical component in a relationship. Men can’t read your mind, and if you’re giving him a false persona by not freely communicating what you like, need or want, the resentment is going to slowly spill out in your mood (vibe), and he’ll start naturally pulling back. Bottom line, if you can’t accept him for who he is, and keep pretending to be someone your not, then this, nor any relationship will last long.

I really appreciate the thoughtful replies and conversation to my posts and also the consideration that was given to these current posts and the ones I posted a few weeks ago. I do see a counselor and speak to her both about the previous relationship I was in, as well as my current one.
In regards to what you said Maddie, I have looked into attachment styles and love languages. I know that I do have an anxious attachment style. The two things that I can attribute to that is my father dying suddenly when I was a young adult and my last relationship. My last relationship consisted of multiple breakups over “minor” fights (all initiated by him) and the last one coming after we’d been engaged for several months. He would also give me the silent treatment pretty regularly and have angry episodes.
My current boyfriend is nothing like this. As far as his attachment style, I’m trying to determine if it is avoidant or a healthy one, because he seems to display traits of both. For love languages, I’d say we both are big on physical touch. I know I am also big on quality time. I think his other may be acts of service. Anyway, I’m sure the lack of time spent together because of the job is contributing to the issues. My guy is very affectionate in person, doing cute little touches, hugs, physically intimate (not just with sex), and wanting to cook me nice meals, rub my shoulders, or take me out. He’s not very lovey dovey or sappy with words, so at times it feels like some of that closeness is missing if we don’t see each other for a long time. He will however show concern or care over the phone..tell me he cares very much in the relationship or ask if I’m okay if a problem arises, say he hopes I feel better etc.

What I was referring to about him managing the plans was the first few weeks of the relationship..it didn’t matter if he was working or on an off week, he initiated most of the plans and it was really nice. Our second meet occured a couple days after our first date, that kind of thing. He was basically right there.

Liz and Maddie, I do agree with what you are saying about it being very possible it’s a similar dynamic to your boyfriends. Whenever we are together in person, we have a great time. He has been the type to forget to eat dinner, I remember that happenining one night when we had been talking on the phone a few hours. I kind of wish here that I knew whether to take charge and plan things or relax and back off because he has it handled or I should stop driving the relationship.

I’ll explain the situation. We haven’t seen each other in 10 days now. He’s been in town the entire time. He’s been on nights, so the only way we can see each other is for me to go up there, use my key and wait for him to arrive at 4qm or so. We’d spend time for a couple hours, go to sleep and he’d wake up and go to work after lunch around 2pm.I don’t mind doing this at all, but I was trying to let him initiate. He’s on this shift for one more week. He may or may not be flying back to his home state for his off week next week, so if he does we likely won’t see each other, but he hasn’t mentioned it. Anyway, he’s called and texted every day, but not brought it up. I am wondering if he is just as my friend calls it “a sweet dorky engineer type who isn’t good at making plans” and also if he is just following his routine. Thats seems to consist of waking up, texting me, working out, calling me on his way to work at 2pm. 3pm-3am working and texting me occasionally. Getting home around 4, texting me around 5am before he goes to sleep..lather rinse repear. That he is just used to doing this and hasn’t thought much about plans? I’d think if there was an issue, it would come up in texts/calls or he’d avoid me, so that doesn’t seem to be it. Do you think I should just ask him if he wants me to come up this week?