Boyfriend Says I'm Jealous-What?

How old are you both and how long have you been dating?

He over-reacted. That is a red flag. You were not acting jealous in my opinion. If you had a problem with it, you probably could’ve handled it a little bit better by talking to him privately and being honest instead of making the comment that you did.

But, I still think he over-reacted and to me that says there’s something going on below the surface, either with him and the girl, or with him and his emotions about the relationship. Personally, I would not be cool with a guy I’m long term dating going out to play pool with a friend girl but that’s just me. Everyone feels differently about that.

If the pool playing w the girl doesn’t bother you, I say let it go. Or, if you must, apologize for the flippant comment you made and be gently honest with him that you were feeling left out…and then let it go. Don’t make a big deal out of it.

Then, sit back and know that you are the prize and let him show you with his actions how he feels about you. Make sure his actions match his words.

But yeah, if you’re not bothered by it, I would let it go. Just pay attention to his actions and words – watch if they match. He might be stressed about something that has nothing to do with you. Is he a good communicator? Do you think he was pushing your buttons by saying that to everyone?

I am not sure this is winnable, and most likely this is not the only thing he feels you are jealous about.

I suggest you say – Listen, I want to have a talk with you and the goal is to bring up more together, not further apart. I am feeling really weird about last night because it feels like it came out of nowhere. It seems you feel I am jealous. Can you please give me examples? The reason I ask is that last night I felt more left out about the joint invitations, than you inviting a woman. Is there something else? I really want to learn and communicate better.

Do this very calm!

Thank you, that is very sweet!

Ok, so the real issue is that you are, in fact, jealous. Read it, soak it in, and surrender to loving that side of you. I do not know how you brought it up to him and if it was helpful or hurtful to building a relationship. Approach could make the difference – which is sometimes I feel excluded, I am sorry.

So, the reality is that it seems like there is a trigger for you – when he tries to enjoy time with other people and it seems like it is not including you. It seems you might not be jealous of women, but of his time that he spends elsewhere. That is a major learning.

So, what does that mean?
– You know this now, so I suggest you pay attention to it
– You may even want to share it with him.
– I suggest you work on it, because, it seems it is already an issue for him. Maybe enroll him in working on it.

As to implant lady – men have tons of friends who do all sorts of silly crap. Unless he was hitting on her, telling him to stop being friends with someone will never work. If you cannot accept him for who he is who who he knows – AS IS. Then you should not be dating him. That lost you major points. The reality is men hate it when women hate on other women. They think it means drama. It will never make you look good to him when you judge other people. Men generally are a lot less judgmental.

Does that help?

Ok, I do not want to overdramatize it and make it worse. My point was you may have been doing it subconsciously. And that is scary… And frustrating. I have those thoughts all the time. And you did not act alone. And I promise you can make it work – making it work is not defined as you being perfect and him doing whatever he wants. It is definded as two people who value connection and growth more than safety and certainty – which are both from your ego because safety is a myth and certainty/significance comes from inside, not what he thinks of you.

And he may not be a good partner. You can be jealous, and he can be overreacting – these things can happen at the same time. Maybe that is why the universe brought you together? And if he is not planning dates – why are you still with him?

But if you assume you want to be with him – then….

As to points, it was very bad of you to tell him to stop being freinds with someone. Men hate being controlled and he made that clear to you in his response. Especially when they have had no romantic interest, but you simply don’t like the person. It is never in your bounds to tell him who to be friends with or not.

I go back to my original post and suggestion. But the reality is, in any relationships you need to be vulnerable. Your issue here is your insistence that you are right. Right will get you alone.

So, what is more vulnerable and grows a relationship?
A. I am not jealous. Hrmph
B. I thought about it, and maybe I am jealous. I want to learn and grow – can we talk about it?

Thanks again Tallady. I suppose my ego/pride is a factor right now at this moment and I do not feel like if I were to say option b that it would be sincere. I usually like to fix issues immediately as they happen but for some reason this is taking me a bit longer to swallow my pride. You are correct though-right will get you alone and at the end of the day it is not what I want.

patystshirt, thanks for your reply. I suppose I didn’t think of it as being ammunition, as much as I felt like it was harmless. If I honestly thought it would spiral out of control to the point where he would be calling me jealous, believe me I never ever would have said anything. I am impatient and tend to put my foot in my mouth which is why I have a hard time playing the ‘wait and see’ game to observe how things will play out. I am working on it for sure.

UPDATE: I am going to take the advice about going on my own/with friends. I have no clue if he will be there whenever I decide to go (probably not, but who knows) but maybe if I just start going on my own I will at least be doing it because it makes me happy and not this weird feeling like he’s only going with me because I b!tched about it.

Rose, I’m also impatient and I hate the feeling of being left out, you don’t know how many times in the past I’ve said things that I thought was completely harmless/innocent and the guy would freak out, use it against me calling me jealous, insecure and things would escalate quickly lol. Later I would feel so much remorse, wishing I could travel back in time and keep my mouth shut. I found out that the best way to deal with these feelings of being left out is to control my emotions, not say anything and wait to see how things unfold. It’s funny that the right thing to do is not do anything, not say anything, yet it is so hard to be quiet when we are so upset.
Go play pool with your friends, enjoy yourself!! when your bf finds out he will see that you don’t need him and he is an idiot for not playing with you.

sensy,

Are you actually of the belief that men and women cannot spend time together with other men and women one on one when they are in a relationship?

I have had boyfriends whose best friends were girls and never once had an issue about it. I like men with female friends, it means that they value women and create long relationships with them.

And I have always had male friends and my boyfriends never once had an issue with it.

Why not? Because there is either trust or there is not. Period. Someone can cheat on you behind your back – safety/certainty is a myth.

Good point Tallady. Yes, it is my opinion. The guy doesn’t think like we do…ever.

I SAY LET HIM THINK WHAT HE WANTS CAUSE I BEEN THERE DONE THAT AND MY EX BOYFRIEND THOUGHT I WAS JEALOUS,BUT the WHOLE time He was the one that was JEALOUS CAUSE I WAS TALKING TO HIS NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR AND FOUND OUT THAT HE LIKE ME AND I TOLD HIS NEIGHBOR I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE ALREADY BUT MY BOYFRIEND THOUGHT I WAS FLIRTING WITH HIS NEIGHBOR BUT I WAS(JUST HAVING A FRIENDLY CHAT THAT’S ALL.

@Tallady, I have no problem in the dating area. I understand friendships with guys because I have my own, but I am aware there are boundaries so would not hang around with any of them if in an exclusive relationship. I would give my partner the respect of not doing that. I am talking about one on one pool. Unless I didn’t play pool and they already had pool rapport going on, then that would be the exception, but if he truly was into me, he would ask me to tag along and be a spectator. In my last relationship (the guy and I are still very close), he had motorcycle girlfriends, but he made me a part of the fun.

@Tallady, in this forum, he is wanting to begin playing pool one on one with this girl. A relationship should make someone feel safe for love to flourish. I originally said I wouldn’t hang around alone with any of my guy friends, but not true, just the ones with no cat and mouse going on and definitely not my ex bf who is the closest friend. He has to take a back seat out of respect for the boyfriend.