Boyfriend stood me up… Need your advice.

Hi Joe. I totally see your point, and I agree. We shouldn’t make plans on those occasions, but he’s the one suggesting the plans, so I figured, if he’s the one suggesting is cause he will stick to them. But yes, for the future, I will say we can see each other on another occasion, and he should just enjoy his time with friends. The one after the trip with the computer, I also get it, but why say he’ll be back to spend the night? It also wasn’t my suggestion, it was his. My problem here I think is him saying he’ll do something and not sticking to his word and me feeling disrespected as a result of that.
I’m starting to think, could it be that he’s saying this things cause he wants to say the right things or the things he thinks I want to hear?
Also, how can I break the ice here without him fearing another lecture. I don’t want to lecture him or tell him what’s done wrong, I just want to find a solution to this. Maybe explain to him that it’s ok if he doesn’t see me one day, and it’s ok to want to have time to decompress. He should just say so and not fear I’ll get upset if he does.

Hi Hannah, omg he totally does! Not only with me, but with his family and friends too. Sometimes drives me insane, cause people take him for granted and sometimes I feel they take advantage.

We have been officially together since December. But been seeing each other since March last year.
We have not said the L word yet, but from his actions, i can tell he loves me or close to it.
He checks on me every day, he’s very protective of me, he supports me and it’s always there for me. We see each other almost everyday cause we work at the same company, and actually hang out/have quality time at least once a week, depending on our schedule. I know he makes an effort to see me and spend as much time with me as he can.
Like he’s so good to me, I actually feel bad about being a bit harsh about him standing me up, but I also don’t want him to think it’s ok to do so, and that I’m fine with it.

As for me, I totally know I love him and haven’t told him but I also try to show him with my actions.

waiting for someone that just doesnt show up is a deal breaker for me. Just because you are in the comfort of your own home makes no difference, you are still left waiting with growing resentment and anxiety if they are going to show up.

Not phoning or texting at a resonable time to say you cant make it is disrespectful. I would not continue with someone that just didnt bother coming after they told me they would. You are not a door mat so dont allow yourself to be treated like one.

This is a part of his personality you do not like. Everyone has something not likable.

I do understand that you are hitching your wagon to being disrespected. I do not think he sees it the same way and therefore does not respond to that. He sees it more casually, time getting away from him.

You have no control over others and their weaknesses. You have to weigh this weakness against his strong points in the relationship.

Personally I would see this as it is…his small weakness…and I would work around it. First I would not allow him to make plans with me when he has any other plans in the evening..I would beg off. Second if he did not text me I would text him and figure out if he is coming over. Third I would forgive this quirk of his and figure out a way of looking at it that is not so devastating (like “that is just him”).

Trust me when I say there are bigger fish to fry than this bad habit. If this is the worst you have got a great guy there.

Hi Anne,

It was his idea to come by after hanging out with his friends. I’m very supportive of him having time for himself. He’s actually been having loads going on and exactly this weekend I offered him that i will give him some space over the weekend so he could have time for himself. To which he just didn’t say anything about but kept contacting me as usual and wanting to see me.
I don’t think I keep the reigns too tight, I don’t demand him to see. I normally leave it to him to decide. I normally just ask if I’m going to see him over the weekend. sometimes he says yes, sometimes maybe, sometimes I’ll try and rarely he just says he just can’t. And I’m fine with either of those answers, I don’t push back or get upset. But maybe I should give him even more space.

I know my message was a bit too much, kinda struggle to tone down my emotions when writing. but since I wasn’t going to see him I wanted to clear the air and get it out instead of not talking about it at all.
Right now I just want to make sure he knows I’m sorry I snapped at him and that I will be more flexible and understanding in the future. And hope this wasn’t too much for him to brake up with me.

I find myself in a similar situation lately. RCS, I really like your advice to the OP. It’s helped me to see the situation differently and in a way I honestly hadn’t thought of. I’m going to take it myself, so thank you!
😁

This is called being passive aggressive. It’s also very selfish. It’s the third time. Either it’s a deal breaker or stop making plans with him to come to you after he does something else until he gets the message or you do it to him a few times and give him a taste of what it’s like to sit and wait and worry and then get angry because you’ve been stood up by your SO. If he’s otherwise a really good guy and a good boyfriend I’d start sweetly and absolutely refusing to make plans with him if he’s going somewhere else first.

I think your text was great (maybe a little long) you set down a boundary and didn’t do it in an angry rude way. I expect he will give it some thought and apologize. I had to do something similar with my boyfriend who had a tardiness issue – it solved the problem and he hadn’t been late since. He just did t realize how much it bothered me until I spoke up in a similar way. One of the only “fights” we’ve had

If he doesn’t react in a calm rational way understanding your point of view from your text than that’s a bigger problem. Give him a couple of days. I think he’ll come around

Also,I married a guy that would make promises and then “forget”,not follow through etc. It became a real problem as I could not rely on his word doing what he promised , and it became a trust issue. We eventally divorced-I would get this solved now.

My boyfriend and I had planned a date, He made it sound that he was going.when I got there I texted him when he would be there an did he was 100% sure he could make it. He said he wasn’t sure. I was getting bored and saw some friends and talked with them while I waited.
When it was half an hour before the date was meant to end I texted him saying I had to leave in half an hour and to tell me if he was still coming. I got no response. A friend saw me and asked how I was. I was so stressed that day and the fact my boyfriend ditched me put me over the edge. I burst into tears.
Once I had left my friend texted him why he had stood me up and he hasn’t gotten a reply.
My boyfriend hasn’t texted since then. He won’t even answer a question. What do I do?

I honestly won’t put up with this BS. Not showing up for a date (especially one he planned) is disrepectful and rude to say the least, and the quickest way to ensure I’ll never accept a date again. I completely disagree with all the other ladies stating you need to change your ways to accomodate him being disrespectfull. You told him how you felt. Now you need to stand your ground. Wait for him to come to you with a sincere apology and explanation

It is grossly rude to not even send a text. And that he is mad at you? F him.

A. Maybe consider if he he is great in other ways
B. Do not agree to plans if he is seeing other people before
C. Make a rule that if you have not heard from him by whatever time you will make other plans

Stop calling him when he does not show up. That is creating a situation where he can be mad about what you say. He needs to feel your total silence. Assume he is not coming over and also don’t initiate contact when it happens. Just pull back and let him do the work for a few weeks. You tried to communicate it in words. And while the text was not good because you should talk about hard things, it was kind and clear. You did nothing wrong there.

Leave him be. He needs to meet you half way.