Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Boyfriend tells me plans last minute
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Hannah.
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Kara
Hello, looking for advice on my situation and how to best deal with it. My boyfriend and I have been together a while and sometimes he is really good and letting me know plans but more times than not, he never tells me until last minute. For example, we spend pretty much every weekend together and I asked him if he wanted to go to an evening event and he said that he had already made plans for us to go out with a a group of friends. He has known about this since the beginning of the week and neglected to tell me. When this has happened before, sometimes he is honestly surprised that he forgot to tell me. I know I’m part of the problem because usually I go with the flow and am usually okay with doing whatever, but it’s beginning to make me feel frustrated and angry because I don’t know why he can communicate plans with other people and not me. I’ve brought this up with him but maybe haven’t gotten my point across? I don’t know if he is taking me for granted or what but it’s starting to make me angry when he tells me these things last minute and I have no idea why he hasn’t mentioned anything to me. The “bigger” stuff, ticketed events and such, he is good about asking and telling me about in advance. Please help!
Kara
Anyone with any advice?
Lisa
It seems you were making last minute plans too? You didn’t ask him until now about the event.
Try having check ins during the week and ask if anything has come up or what plans you both want to make for the weekend.
Sometimes it’s more fun to be spontaneous, but if this is an issue, start getting in the habit of scheduling with him.
It seems that this is who he is and you may just have to work with it.
Kara
Thanks Lisa. You are right and I didn’t realize I tend to do that as well. That is a good idea. It is starting to feel like an issue so I want to address it before it becomes resentment. I am feeling left out since he’d been texting with everyone else about it, even though he is including me. I’m not sure why I feel that way, :/
Maria
While you are asking him about a longer notice, express your gratitude for him making plans for you two, thinking about what to do, where to go, etc. Many guys these days enjoy taking a back seat and let the woman do all project management and find and plan things to do. Nice and convenient for them. If a guy is taking care of your entertainment – enjoy and be grateful. On Wednesdays ask him, do we have any plans for this week-end? This would help solve your problem.
Phillygirl
He is doing this becasue you are going along with it. We teach people how to treat us. By what we accept, allow or put a stop to.
Sit him down when you are calm and make it very clear you don’t want him making plans for the two of you without checking with your first. That would annoy the he’ll on of me if it was done regularly.
If he does it after you’ve NICELY & FIRMLY asked him not to, make other plans for yourself. Once he figures out doing that will have consequences he doens’t like it, one of two things will happen. If he’s a good guy, he will knock it off and be more respectful. If he doesn’t you need to figure out if you want to stay with someone who so easily disregards and dismisses your feelings.
We can all be a little clueless at times. That’s why it’s important to communicate clearly and effectively, If you do that and it continues, you have an idea of his willingness to work with you on this (and probably other things). Dating is meant to determine areas of compatibility. We are not the right fit with everyone, or even most. Men respect women with a backbone, especially if you can do it calmly and without being a bitch. Maybe he needs to miss you a time or two to understand this isn’t ok. Please don’t give up time with your friends all the time. You should still have a life without him.
Alexis
As someone who has the same problem after 12 years of marriage, try to find a middle ground or think if you would be okay like that(the way he is, isn’t gonna change) on the long run. On my case something so insignificant can grow to the point of making me question my marriage.you still have time to fix this.
Amy
I think you need to consider whether this affects the integrity of your relationship. IMO, something like this isn’t a big deal. Women think a man needs to change every little thing they don’t like, but that leads to nagging and the guy dumping you for someone with a better attitude. If it were me, I wouldn’t be bothered by something like this.
Kara
Thanks ladies for chiming in! @Maria, good idea. I am always appreciative of the sweet things he does for me. I’ve never thought of thanking him for making advance plans. I think he will respond well!
@Phillygirl, you are sooooo right! I have allowed this and it’s starting to be an issue so I want to make sure I teach him how I want to be treated without criticizing him. Because it’s my fault too.
@Amy, I appreciate your feedback. For me it’s not a little thing, I do like surprises sometimes, but if I were to marry him, this would be something that would wear on me eventually – like Alexis said. I don’t want to be kept in the dark until last minute. So I would like to let him know that it bothers me to see if it’s something we can work on together to fix. If not, then we are just not a good long term match like phillygirl said. I definitely don’t want to be a nag!
Maria
OMG Kara, don’t let this issue be a deal breaker in your relationship. No man is perfect. You will have to work through issues no matter what. Just keep asking him during about the plans for the week-end and thank him nicely if he does give you a notice, and he would eventually start doing it regularly. I don’t think he intends it to be a power play, he likes to be in control of things and take care of things. You need to nudge him where you want him to go. Be patient. A good man is hard to find.
Phillygirl
Maria, She has already said this would be a dealbreaker for her if it were to continue. This is a matter of respect.
When women start out sacrificing things that matter at the beginning it’s no wonder they end up in bad relationships or just a relationship that doesn’t work for them.
We need to get this “settling” mentality out of our heads!. Down settle down. Settle up!! Alexis made an excellent point, if this is a sore spot now, with time it will become much bigger.
We really must stop telling women to ignore issues or incompatibilities just to keep a man around. This “scarcity of good men” mentality is what feeds this nonsense and women getting stuck or just plain unhappy.
We need to suss out what our must haves and dealbreakers up front. I someone doesn’t have the former and does have the latter, it’s time to move on.
Get rid of this settling mentality. This is why so many men don’t respect and crap all ove women.We don’t honor ourselves and then we wonder why we ONLY attract the 2nd or 3rd tier type of men.
Phillygirl
Don’t settle down (not down settle down)
Poppy
I agree with Maria & Lisa but not so much Phillygirl. The way you said to deal with it seemed quite blunt & possibly rude.
Be greatful he is involving you & not going out without you!
But yes you have to meet in the middle, ask him about any plans also xxkaye
One of the things I adore about my boyfriend is that he won’t make plans without contacting me first!! Just last night we had dinner with some friends at ther beach house. He had called to make sure we didn’t have any plans a few days before when they invited us. I pay him the same courtesy. So I simply think you need to tell your boyfried he needs to consult with you in advance of making any plans and you need to make sure to do the same with him. He probably doesn’t realize this bothers you since it sounds like you’ve just gone along with it in the past.
Hannah
Poppy I don’t think anyone should have to feel greatful their partner is spending time with them. If the partner doesn’t want to, there’s something very wrong in the relationship.
I agree with Kaye. Just tell him you’d like him to ask you before he makes plans. Simple as that and no nagging needed! Obviously if he continues to do it, tell him more firmly.
My husband and I have a joint Google calender. One of us suggests something, if we both agree, it goes in the joint calender. You could possibly set something like that up.
From what you say, this is him just not thinking rather than anything serious. He just needs to know it’s important to you. Then he’ll be more thoughtful.
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