Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Boyfriend thinks I'm controlling
- This topic has 7 replies and was last updated 9 years, 5 months ago by
Nadia.
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Nadia
Hi guys,
So I’ll make this quick. BF and I broke up last november, we reconciled in February and are now making plans to move in together.
Well, today we had a conversation where he said that he thinks I’m controlling and all i care abotu is myself, how I feel and getting what I want. He says this stems from me always chosing where we eat, what we do on the weekends and demanding information from him when he doesn’t want to talk.
Just to clarify- i always make decisions for us simply because he doesnt speak up. If I ask him, he just leaves it up to me, thus forcing me to make a decision.
I force information out of him so to speak because when we broke up in Nov. a large part of that was lack of communication. He never wanted to talk about things and it caused me to speculate nor did it get him the things he ultimately wanted. So now, I do make a point to gauge how he’s feeling so that I can support him, or attempt to accordingly.
I have a 5 year old daughter from a previous relationship and she loves him. Lately she has been spending every weekend with us as i wanted them to bond if we are moving in together. I understand perhaps he wants time alone and I could give that to him – if he spoke up. so, ladies, I guess I am just asking for advice on how to salvage the relationship, if it’s not too late, or ways that i can not come off as controlling while supporting him and communicating as well. any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
Smaa
Hello nadia,
I think maybe you make up your mind quickly whilst he is still thinking things through…you make decisions while he is still processing. Then he ends up feeling like he does not have a say. You are different in character clearly but try to allow him more time to decide without constantly asking him to make a decision.
Who’s idea was it to move in together if I may ask?
Nadia
Hi Smaa,
Thanks for your quick reply! It was his idea. He asked me in April and I told him i’d think about it, btu eventually agreed.
I think you’re right. I’ll allow him time to make a decision. No matter how long it takes. lol
Hannah
I had a relationship like this the other way around. He’d ask me a question I wasn’t expecting, I’d be thinking through my answer and he’d assume my silence was either a no or an I’m not sure.
You’re not trying to control him, I can see that. Be patient with him and allow his voice to be heard.
Lady T
Hi Nadia,
My boyfriend and I are both control freaks, which has caused conflict but we’ve talked about it and both us have been able to admit it. We’ve learned how to compromise bc of it.
“…i always make decisions for us simply because he doesnt speak up. If I ask him, he just leaves it up to me, thus forcing me to make a decision.”
Can you give us an example of when this has happened and decisions you felt forced to make?
“I force information out of him so to speak because when we broke up in Nov. a large part of that was lack of communication. He never wanted to talk about things…”
What things did you feel you had to force him to talk about? What was the issue at that time?
He wouldn’t say this to you if he didn’t feel it so I’d just like a little more background, if possible. xo
Lady T
“I think you’re right. I’ll allow him time to make a decision. No matter how long it takes. lol”
That’s awesome advice!
Zoe
Nadia,
Just trying to get a better picture here if that’s ok. When it comes to wanting to go out to eat or get together on the weekends, who brings that up? Do you tell him you would like to go out to eat and he doesn’t offer up a location so you choose? Or does he ask if you would like to go out to eat? Do you guys just generally see each other each weekend so you ask him what should we do this weekend and he doesn’t come up with a plan? Or does he ask you about the weekend and fail to plan things out? Do you like making plans? Are you not bothered by making plans? Do you wish he was the one to make them most of the time?
The reason I ask is because if you are bringing up plans for the weekend, or plans to go out, and so on, that’s half of the plan right there. If I were you, after you guys have resolved this (you know, by apologising and saying you understand why he feels that way and will try to change your behaviour) let him bring up the plans, and take a back seat. If he doesn’t bring up the upcoming weekend, don’t bring it up yourself. Let him take the initiative. There will probably be an adjustment period, as even though he has mentioned he finds you a bit controlling, he has probably gotten used to you making the plans. Resist the urge to instead bring up or make plans yourself. If he brings it up, and asks what you would like to do, you could tell him you are up for whatever he would like to do or offer up a wide variety of things.
I know a woman, married, whose husband will retreat conversationally when something is bothering him. It causes her to have the same worries, because no information will make your mind wander to any number of things. They found a common ground where if he’s being quiet and something is bugging him, for example work stresses, and he is still thinking it through and doesn’t yet want to talk about it, he will give her that little bit of information. That he’s stressed out about something going on at work.Nadia
Thanks for all of the advice!
Just to address some questions:
One of us will ask whats happening for dinner. Then he’ll ask what I’d like or where I want to go. I then ask him if he wanted anything in particular and he’ll just say ‘whatever you want, i’m okay with’. that doesn’t leave me much to work with.
There is no one in particular that makes plans, as we just assume we will see each other on the weekends. One weekend i got tired of this so went ahead and made other plans, since he never initiates and he was so upset we almost broke up.
The things that I have to force him to talk about are primarily his feelings. for instance, even him telling me i’m controlling, was forced out of him. He kept acting like he had things on his mind, even went to the point where he said he couldn’t sleep- so of course I was worried and wanted him to spit it out.
When we broke up, it was because he was having second thoughts about the relationship and didn’t think that I wanted to be with him or he wasn’t my type. (idk what the reason was, just saying what he told me).
He’s even dared to say that he stays with me because we made each other a promise that we wouldn’t go anywhere. That makes me very uncomfortable. but here’s the kicker- we are supposed to meet his family this weekend, myself, my child and him- I’m thinking about calling it off. He’s since apologized and said that he knows I ask because I care and he didn’t mean to blow up but felt he was backed into a corner.
He said it’s all about me, he doesnt feel loved or appreciated and all he does is cater to me. like it’s a job or something. Idk- thats not what I want, i figured it was mutual, but i dont want anyone to do anything for me if they don’t want to. I guess I could do more, but i havent been fully invested in the relationship since we brokw up the first time. I can’t get hurt again.
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