Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Boyfriend won't let my friend break up with him
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Shyraua.
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Shyraua
Hi.
My friend (F35) has been in an on again/off again relationship with her boyfriend (M34) for the past 5 years now. The first two years they were doing ok and were living together in a small town (he moved in with her pretty quickly) but after a while they started to argue a lot about almost everything. They also couldn’t decide on their future, where and when to have kids, etc. She wanted to move to a bigger city, he wanted to move to his small village where all his relatives live. And other things weren’t going great either so she decided to break up and move to the big city (5 hours away) alone. She found a small place for herself and a 9-5 job.
He then kinda convinced himself that it could be ok in the city, and they eventually stayed in the relationship, him staying with her half of the week sometimes. (His work still being close to the small town/small village area). Hoping that she would one day maybe change her mind and come back to his rural area.
But at some point my friend started to have some more serious complaints. She says that when he’s with her half the week he doesn’t show her any physical affection anymore, despite saying that he still loves her. That this makes her feel so insecure, unattractive and rejected that this makes her even change the way she holds herself around other people. That they still argue a lot and he sometimes stays in a hotel because she refuses to stay with him. And that she feels she’s to blame for it. That she already criticises herself a lot and with his ‘help’ it’s like 1,2,3, to destroy her self esteem. That they basically live like brother and sister and for her it’s over, but he won’t let her go. That she’s constantly mad with him. She says it’s hard to rebuild anything new and it will take her some time to feel differently. She breaks up with him again but he ignores it and keeps acting as if they’re still together. And so they keep going for another year on/off, on/off.
A year later she says she finally really broke up with him this time and actually actively started dating some other guys. I was happy for her that she finally managed to cut it off. But after a month she started talking about her ex again: that he still has the keys to her house and sometimes comes inside her house when she’s at work to ‘check if there’s still pictures of them hanging on the wall’ and he would leave notes for her. That he brought her flowers and gave her a ride to the airport which was “actually handy”. That his mother is very ill and she feels obliged to ask him about it, because that she can’t be rude to him after “all he did for her”. That she feels afraid to slip back into the relationship again, because, like always, he just keeps acting like they are still together. That he asked her if he could stay at her place for one month because of a new job close to her house, and that she feels like she can’t refuse it because he still helped her pay the deposit for her apartment when she moved in. She also sent me a picture showing a big cut in her nose. Saying it was an “accident at the gym”. (?)
No surprise, a few weeks later she announces she’s back with him, saying she wants to give another chance to the person that has been there for her the past 5 years in all the good and bad times.
Is this emotional abuse? Or is she the one playing games with him?
I know she has been in an abusive relationship before, and has a lot of psychological ‘baggage’.
She describes him as pretty down to earth, a bit spoiled maybe, a nice person and quite sensitive. That he’s peaceful and his parents adore him. But from the outside his behaviour feels a little toxic/manipulative?
Or is she the one always pushing and pulling him and is what looks like stalking just him being romantic?
I call her naif for not seeing how he always manages to weasel himself back with her and if she really wants to break up she could change her locks or call the police? She almost sees his behaviour as cute.
How does this work?
I would be sad if my friend is in a bad place and if she is, how could I talk to her about the bad taste I get in my mouth from this guy? Or is she just enjoying the role of drama queen and do they never really break up (only in her head) and is she making up his ‘manipulative behaviour’ to justify going back to him again and again.
How would you guys interpret all this?
Thanks in advance,,
Tallspicy
I would interpret it as her life that she has to live. It is not your job to fix her, but to support her or have your own boundaries about your participation with her on this.
You simply don’t know and you never will. So you need to do what you see is best, for you. I also think it is ok to express that you don’t think he is a good fit and why. But she has to choose what is for her.
And it sounds like you like a little drama as well…. savior or sage or something and that is also not healthy
mell
If I had a penny for every time a friend made a bad boy-decision then cried to me about it, I’d be rich. But it’s your friend’s life. You can’t live it for them. And regardless of whether you understand or approve, they will do what they want.
If she didn’t want him to come to hers, she should have changed the locks or got her key back. She could tell him that she’ll call the police if he keeps visiting – and that she really does want him gone for good. A lot of on-off people don’t really want to call it quits forever – they use breaking up as a way of trying to ‘fix’ the relationship by making the other person miss them, or indend to get back together later or at least leave that option open. Perhaps she doesn’t want him to leave – which is why she readily accepts him back. Or maybe she does, but he’s abusive and pushes his way ack in – but unless she’s honest with you, you won’t be able to know.
Maybe it’s a mutually codependent unhealthy relationship. Maybe it’s abusive. Maybe it’s many things – but you can’t know because you’re not in it. All you can do is be there for her and let her know you’re there to help. But you can’t take the burden of her relaitonship on yourself – because it’s not yours to take.
Shyraua
Hi Tallspicy and mell, thanks for your replies.
You are both right that there is no way to know exactly what is true, what are half-truths and what are half lies. Even her paradoxical “explanations” can’t be verified. You also point out correctly that it’s her life and her choices.
I’m just curious at what point things become really obvious. I’ve had the exact same attitude as both of you describe/suggest: her life, not my problem, can’t fix this etc. the 99 previous times. But the 100th time it just makes me wonder how voluntary all this going back is. Especially when there’s an injury with dubious explanation, and her history of being in an abusive relationship before.
How long can you keep saying to someone who is possibly manipulated ‘oh if she really wanted out she would call the police’. Is that argument simply valid forever?
Just wondering what the gut feeling of others would be given these observations.
Thanks again for sharing your insights and you are probably right there’s not much else to do than to support her choices.
Newbie
For me i would draw the line at abuse. If thats the case i would try real hard to find a way to stop it. But even then, many stay.
I have a whole different solution. You have to ask yourself if you want friends like that in your life. They tend to suck the energy out of you and give you nothing on return. At some point in my life i got to the phase where i actually did that and never regretted it since i realized i was used like a telephone booth. Consider thatShyraua
Hi Newbie,
thanks for chiming in.
I agree that abuse is where you draw the line, the problem is that it’s most of the time impossible to tell unless someone comes to you and says hello I’m being abused, can I get some help.
But I think it’s common knowledge that more often than not it doesn’t work like that. And a lot of times the surrounding friends keeping a possible victim responsible (if she would really want to leave she would do so, else she’s just enjoying the attention) is what keeps the cycle going. It’s also common knowledge that people who have been in an abusive relation before are likely to end up in another one again later.
My exact reason for shrugging my shoulders the 99 times before and start to think differently this time is when I see a big cut on her nose and she says it was an accident at the gym. That together with lifeless eyes, no sparkly smile like she used to have, etc, makes me go ..hmm
I do however also agree with your ‘other solution’. Should I explode myself to this drama at all. Well that’s a good point. Is it healthy for me to get worried? Probably not. Is it easy to just walk away from someone you’ve known two decades? Not really. ‘Hey I think you might be emotionally abused, so I’m gonna take a step back because you take to much energy’ Maybe I’ll get to that point.
For now I’m interested in the gut feeling / first take on these given circumstances from others. Or perhaps someone who has been in a similar situation and could shed some insight.
Anyways, thanks for your answer Newbie, there is definitely truth in what you say.
Newbie
What is your real question?
Shyraua
Hi Newbie,
the question is:
with the given information, what is your gut feeling / first reaction what the dynamic between these people is?
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