Boyfriend/female friend boundaries

LOL. Thank you, Raven. I needed that. Yes, I do think she is a very toxic person. She’s gone through several “best friends” within my extended friend group. But I don’t want to suppress my feelings too much until I explode. I really wish she would just go away. I honestly think she uses my boyfriend because she expects him to be there for her and fill her time when she’s not dating anyone and when she is dating someone, puts him by the wayside. To me a real friend is someone who accepts the SO as a part of the friends life and she’s not really doing that.

I know I can’t do anything about her behavior other than what I have been doing is just accepting her as a part of his life, but I do want more from him to make me feel like I am not “sharing” him with her and am not sure how to draw those lines.

Thanks, Phillygirl. I appreciate the feedback. I am on the same page about friendships and I think it’s okay for opposite sex friendships. I have no issue with any of his other female friendships.

Part of the problem is that I haven’t been good setting my boundaries with this one and I know I need to fix that. He and this woman usually hang out one on one at least once a week, sometimes more. I understand it my responsibility to let him know what I will accept, and sadly I haven’t done a good job.

With the BF you broke up with, did you talk to him first about the individual boundary issues? How did you let him know what you would and would not accept? I do love my boyfriend, so I’d like to let him know because I can give him the chance to understand and make an effort to change, but I realize if he doesn’t, I know my only option would be to break up rather than be miserable.

Hi Courtney! Your post is something I’m very familiar with!! My boyfriend of almost a year also has a close female friend. We got in a fight about her just a couple weeks ago. Wish I could get the search feature on this site to work lately and I would tell you the post name!! UGH!

Like you he dated this woman briefly, realized they were better as friends and they became best friends. Worked out at the gym together every day, would go to the movies together, and hang out and do things. I’ve met her several times but we’ve never hung out together. He would tell girls he dated, if you have a problem with her then you have a problem with me.

I was never invited to hang out with the two of them either. But people who would see them at the gym together or out together would tell me they’re just friends so like you I wasn’t worried about their relationship.

But the argument we got into recently was silly. I don’t think she likes me because he normally doesn’t date girls very long. Like 2-3 months. So she’s been around through several other girl friends. Well he and I had dated several months then broken up and got back together. Now we’ve been together almost a year so I think she realizes this is serious. It’s a long story, but she was called asking him for a favor and even though I was cool with it and was even offering something of mine to help her out…he got in his head that I was jealous when I got mad over another issue.

Luckily in my case she now has a boyfriend and my boyfriend spends all his free time with me, so there’s really not any time for him to hang out with her anymore. And despite his “if you have a problem with me, you have a problem with her” speech when we first dated, after our disagreement over her and us making up he was singing a different tune. He told me if I have a problem with him talking to her then to let him know and he won’t. That she doesn’t mean as much to him as our relationship.

So I think you let him know that you understand their friendship but want to be his priority. For example if there is a movie or a band that you want to see, he should take you first or the three of you should go together. Her needs/wants shouldn’t come before yours.

That if he is going to hang out with her he should treat her like any other friend. That he checks in with you and texts when he’s out with other friends but not with her and it shouldn’t be different. Also that you ARE NOT okay with the fact she doesn’t seem to want you around. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t be invited on some of their outings if others are invited to go also. That you’re not asking to go every time but you shouldn’t be excluded every time either.

I really don’t think you are being insecure or creating issues. It sounds like you have a healthy relationship and understand it’s not your place to tell him who he can have as a friend. That being said there should be boundaries. But you are right that if this becomes an issue between the two of you odds are he’ll avoid telling you things involving her if he thinks it will cause a fight or conflict.

But things like this do tend to fix themselves over time. If she gets a boyfriend or keeps being demanding and getting angry he’s going to eventually distance himself from her. The more time my boyfriend started spending with me, the less time he had to spend with her. That’s what happened in my case.

They had sex in the past, i would never be ok with him dissappearing with her every week. Something really similar happened to me with my ex and his colleague and they were doing it for years.

Hi Courtney. I have recently been in this situation and while I can’t tell you what to do, I can tell you what not to do.

I really identified with Phillygirl’s response above, except I was the psycho-ex. I don’t actually feel psycho, that was just the spin my ex put on it when he spoke to his “best friend”. She thought I was the psycho ex who manipulated him because of the kids until she couldn’t handle it anymore and they split up. What she didn’t realise is that for most of the time we weren’t split up at all. We were still living as a mostly happy family in the same bed, etc. I was becoming increasingly concerned that he was having an affair. He did the same things as your BF, like taking her to places that he knew I wanted to go to but not inviting me. Every time I suggested I meet her, it was met with a negative reaction.

Anyway, eventually I decided to get proof that it was more than a friendship, and did my first psycho thing: I looked at his phone many times. DO Not Do This. When I confronted him, he denied it, got angry at me for looking at his messages and changed his password. I guessed his new password and continued to monitor the texts and they were definitely flirty, they proved he had slept at her place, met all her friends – it was like he had a whole other life. And we had been married 15 years with 2 kids.

I did my 3rd psycho thing which was to send her a text (I am better at writing than speaking) asking her what her intentions were. Of course she was too chicken to respond. All this just annoyed my husband more. Finally I gave him an ultimatum.

Never do this. I repeat never give ultimatums. Well he didn’t choose her exactly, but he asked for a separation and became quite nasty, which made me react more psycho, by pushing him for answers, trying to cuddle him, crying, etc. He couldn’t run away fast enough. At this stage I wasn’t reading his texts anymore but one day I saw a text come through from this “best friend” and I couldn’t resist looking. His phone was sitting on the counter. She was cancelling a weekend away, so I replied with the single word “Whatever”.

Don’t do this – replying to his texts was a definite mistake. It broke them up, just like in Phillygirl’s experience, I guess she decided he wasn’t worth the effort with a psycho ex-wife. But he still didn’t come back to me. At this stage we had been separated for 1.5 months which is nothing really when you have a mortgage, pets, furniture, a business, a long history, marriage vows, not to mention children together.

After a lot of soul searching I realise he only turned to this other girl because I wasn’t fulfilling his emotional needs and I had become too needy. Yes I depended on him for everything. I was completely financially dependent on him. I had lost myself. He was already half out the door without me realising it, and once I started acting insecure and jealous and gave him an ultimatum, he had the courage to leave me. If only I had all this information several months ago, I would have reacted differently. HOwever, several months down the track, now that I have witnessed how cruel he has become, and how he has portrayed me and my desperate actions to his friends and family, I don’t want him back.

I am working on myself, rebuilding the life that I seemed to put on hold when I left work and hopefully will never be so needy again I suggest you have a gentle talk about boundaries and otherwise make sure you are the ultimate catch for him by developing your own fulfilling life

Sorry this is right aligned. Don’t know what happened.

First off, men like to follow the path of least resistance with the women in their lives. All of them – GFs, female friends, sisters, mothers, exes, the lot. If one person is kicking up a fuss, they will do what they can to keep that person happy. In this case, he thinks you’re OK so he has the “she’s happy” box ticked for you, while his cow of a friend is being difficult and so he’s bending over backwards for her. Remember this isn’t personal or about his feelings for you or her. He just has no clue how to deal with demanding women.

Secondly you have to be honest with yourself about whether you do have a problem with him having female friends. For me, friendship involves a personal bond between two people and alone time is essential in order to maintain that. I can see my best friend with others and it’s fine, but it’s when we’re alone we can be close and talk more openly. If you’re not comfortable with him spending time alone with her, you’re not comfortable with them having a friendship. You don’t mind them being acquaintances, but not friends. The radio silence I imagine is the same thing. In a group with friends, it’s easy to send a text. In a one-on-one situation, it’s actually very rude to ignore the person in front of you and be texting someone else. Whether it’s your GF or not.

I think though what you’re saying is why do they have to spend ALL their time alone, which is perfectly reasonable of you.

In order to set boundaries, you first have to know what they are! Having read you’re post, I don’t think even you are sure at the moment. I definitely wouldn’t talk to him until you are clear what you need. As a woman, I get what you’re trying to say, but I promise you a man won’t get the subtly of you having a sort-of issue with the friendship. You need to be able to say “I want x y and Z and I don’t like 1 2 and 3”. So first off, work out what they are. Otherwise he’ll be confused, you’ll be frustrated and you’ll probably just argue about this.

You said what you “do want is for him to make me feel safer when he spends time with her.”. Personally, I don’t know if he can help you with this, I think it’s your issue. But if he can, what can he do to make you feel safer?

Taking her to an event you want to go to and not inviting you to me is unacceptable. I would start right there personally and say you have a problem with it.

My experience of this is very strange! I’m very laid back and don’t have a jealous bone in my body. “If you love someone set them free” is my motto! My husband struck up a friendship with a woman at work and I had no issue with it. It turned out she liked him more than as a friend and he came to me for advice about setting boundaries with her! If she was flirting or he felt she was becoming too close, he’s just ignore her but he didn’t really deal with it. I knew this was going on and left him to deal with it for himself. Until I read some of the texts and it was clear to me she felt she was in some kind of emotional affair. It was all way too close (on her side, not his). So at that point, I told him he had to put his foot down, how would he feel if I was getting texts like that from another man, etc. He totally got it and said they could only stay friends if she cut all of that stuff out. She did and they’re still friends many years later.

So just work out what your boundaries are and put your foot down when she crosses that line!

I agree with Raven and Kaye though. She’ll go away on her own in time.

Courtney, I understand what you mean! With the woman I mentioned, I had (and still have) no problem with them having one-on-one time, although we also go out as a group with friends and as couples with her husband. What really got me though is, when she was infatuated with him, we all went to a work event. My husband decided to leave early and she text him saying “I can’t believe you left without me, now I’m all alone”. I thought like you “hang on, he’s my husnabd, not yours. If I don’t have a problem with him leaving, why the hell do you?!”.

Anyway, I think you should pick a specific issue, like this show. First work out exactly what you need him to do. Them, tell him straight up you feel hurt he would choose to take her and not you. Don’t say it angrily and let him tell you his side of all of this. Make it clear you don’t have an issue with them being friends, but you do feel he puts her needs before yours at times and that is hurtful to you. Tell him what would make you feel better about the situation. Hopefully you can work together to get to a place where you both feel comfortable and this doesn’t end up like Philly’s situation!