Boyfriend's daughter and me staying over at his place

Why do you argue so much? Do you solve the arguments by talking and reaching a mutual understanding or do you just end the fight angry/sad eithiut any resolution? I feel there’s something deeper here than his daughter (not) liking you and him lying about it (whether when he said she did or now when he said she didn’t)

I dont see the two of you as very compatible long term on different levels.
– you barely make time for each other so no real bonding is taking place here
– you have different characters, where you are kind of rigit and he is more relaxed. Which shouldnt be a problem but if he adresses that as in a simple explanation why his daughter doesnt like you, you go right to his throat and make it about him not defending you. Come on, seriously? You are that easily hurt?
– you fight a lot when you dont even spend a lot of time together
– he makes zero effort to integrate you in his life with his daughter
– its already going on 14 months. It looks casual not a relationship. Sorry
I feel there is more about the fighting that shows you are not compatible

How old is your son? Has your boyfriend met him yet? Are you not comfortable having your boyfriend over with your son there? (even if he doesn’t sleep over).

By 14 months, your boyfriend could come over and the two of you could spend time together along with your son (going for pizza or ice cream, trips to the zoo or movies, just eating dinner together at home, whatever).

It sounds like after 14 months you two are not making an effort to integrate each other into your lives. I have to agree with all of Newbie’s points too. It’s been over a year, but you barely make efforts to see each other; and you fight a lot even though you hardly see each other. None of that sounds like a relationship with a solid future. If he’s using the excuse that his grown daughter doesn’t like you as a reason not to see you, he’s not serious about you.

Thank you ladies for your input.

Annon, you’re absolutely right. The arguments have mostly been because he’s too busy and doesn’t make time for me. He has a business that is struggling and he hasn’t had an income since November last year. He says he wishes he had a gf that was more supportive and understanding than me who wants to point out all his flaws (I complain about how he doesn’t make plans, etc.)

Lane, I thought he was serious about me. I never thought we were FWB. He has introduced me to all his kids, his sister and her husband, his friends, and brother whom he is very close to and the brother adores me. Sometimes he calls his brother when I’m around and we talk. He introduced me to some of his business relations and employees. He has told his mom about me but we haven’t met. They live 2 hours away and his dad’s health doesn’t allow them to visit. When my bf goes see them, it’s mostly on holidays because he’s otherwise busy and on those days, I am with my family. In fact, he asked his mom for help to pick out a present for me for Xmas so I’m not a secret

I introduced him to some of my friends and family members but haven’t brought him to any family events.

Liz, yes, he met my son. We talked about playing tennis and golf together after the lockdown is over.

I am very confused. Not sure if I should walk away. We had broken up in the past but he always tried to win me back. If I do it this time, it has to be real and that’s it. All the people I met (even his business’s landlaord) tell me how lucky I am to have him because he’s a very genuine and honest person. They also say he’s lucky to have me because I’m pretty, smart and very sweet. I came from another country and although being here for a long time but as an introvert, i haven’t been very social so maybe there’s something about the Anerican dating culture I don’t understand?

Yeah i understand youre confused. Just a few things before you make up your mind. Never fight over texts. Besides the fact its juvenile it doesnt resolve anything. If you feel he doesnt make plans with you discuss ot face to face. Also a talk about the future is a face to face talk.
His friends and family knowing you says very little about his investment level. I can understand that when you have done the marriage and kids already. He seems to blame his business for his lack of making plans and even blame you for not supporting him. Besides the fact that this sounds very familiar like you posted about him before, its also not fair on his part.
Bottom line, you cant argue anyone im spending more time with him. I dont even understand why he cant come to your place since his daughter can take care of himself. To me it really looks like its all on his terms like anon said. And you should find out what you want for yourself

Newbie is right — don’t argue over text. Try not to argue over the phone as well. Face to face is best in resolving and working things out. Maybe make time to go out for a walk or something so you don’t spend time around the daughter.

As for him making his daughter a priority and not putting you first: It’s not a competition, please don’t make him set it up that way because you will LOSE.

You might want to listen and pay attention when he says things like he wants a more supportive girlfriend. It sounds like you spend your time thinking and saying all the ways he fails you. :(

Thank you all again for your réponses.

No, there’s no big age gap. Hezs 8 years my senior.

Yes, we fight a lot over text. I know it’s not a good thing but I can’t control. I haven’t gotten better but we still do.

I’ll give this some more thought but I’m leaning towards walking away because I have expressed my dissatisfaction of us not spending time together and he hasn’t stepped up. There are other guys who want to go out with me but I thought he’s a great guy and I have been loyal to him. Perhaps I should consider other options.

Again, thank you all for your input.

What Lane said:

“Seriously, why should he stick up or defend you against his daughter? His daughter will ALWAYS be his number 1, as any child should be, whereas if you’re going to try to turn this into a competition you will lose.”

1) His child should always come first, regardless of age.

2) You’re an adult. Behave like one. Stop thinking everything is all about you.

3) Try reversing the situation:

In this scenario, your son is 21. He lives with you full-time, making occasional overnight visits to his father’s house.

Your boyfriend is pushing you to let him spend the night with you on Monday night.

You don’t feel comfortable having sex/sleeping with a man other than your son’s father while your child is in the same house. You know that even if you gave in to your boyfriend’s request, you’d be unable to relax and enjoy your time together because of your son’s presence.

OR

You’re perfectly fine with his staying over, but your son would feel awkward about knowing that another man is in bed with his mother – and it’s HIS home, not your boyfriend’s.

OR

Because your son was raised right, he has been perfectly pleasant to your boyfriend, even though he doesn’t like him very much at this point in time and would find having him in the house overnight difficult.

What choice do you make?

1) You tell your son, “Hey, kid – this is Mommy’s boyfriend and I don’t care how you feel about it – he’s staying over tonight. He’s not sleeping on the sofa. He’s not sleeping in the guest room. You’re big enough to know that he’s going to sleep in my bed – with me – and if you don’t like it, go somewhere else tonight. My wants are more important than yours.”

2) You tell your boyfriend, “The Boy [which is your son’s name in this example] isn’t really comfortable enough to have you stay over while he’s home. Do you think we can plan a sleepover on one of his Dad’s nights?”

Life changes when you have a child. You no longer come first. Your spouse no longer comes first (much less a boyfriend). Your child comes first. Forever.

Hi Lynn

I agree that breaking up may be a bit harsh…in your post it seems both of you have “issues” you need to work on. Your communication and how you express your disappointment with him making time for you is definitely something you need to work on. First I want to say that having limited time to see someone does suck, I myself have 2 kids and my free nights are Fridays, Sunday and Monday that schedule can get tangled if my boyfriend isn’t available so there needs to be compromise and understanding. I would like to say that the issue with the daughter was a bit off for me ….I don’t understand why he would say I don’t think she likes you much. That was a stinger and it could be possible she did like you at one point and now she is being a bit more judging. However, in that sense you should of have tried to get more insight on why she feels that way..and you could’ve suggested well maybe I can spend more time with her to see if we can find similar things we like. I agree that your child is #1 but I don’t agree that a person should allow a child (adult since she is 21) to determine who they spend time with unless your an abusive or horrible person. IMO I would take some time to really re-connect with yourself and him in a more calm manner. Instead of arguing and criticizing because you stated that is what he is saying you do about his business instead of being supportive…is to try and listen to him instead of critiquing his flaws. I don’t think unless you truly feel unhappy that this is a lost relationship..and he is not going to want to spend time with you if your fighting all the time with him. I know your frustrated because your time is limited but you need to figure out if this is a relationship worth saving.

I’m not going to address all of your point because you’ve had several people do that already. I will say what stands out to me is the fact you’ve been dating over a year and haven’t met his parents yet who ONLY live 2 hours away!  I don’t get from your original post whether you just want to come by for a visit while his daughter is there (meaning you drive an hour and a half round trip) or you’re planning to spend the night. If you’re wanting to stay the night I can see an issue and the point Paige is trying to make. But if his daughter lives with him, how is it you’ve only met her 3 times in 14 months? That’s hardly enough for the two of you to get to know each other. My take is because he’s not integrating you with his family, considering you haven’t even met his parents  she doesn’t feel like he’s serious about you and feels no need to get to know you. But at the same time you’re not bringing him to your family events or letting him spend significant amounts of time with your son.

You live 45 minutes from each other so it’s an hour and a half round trip. Assuming he works during the week, and would have to commute an extra 45 minutes to work if he stayed at your place Wednesday means Friday nights are the only night you two have to spend together where he could come over and stay. So I don’t understand why the two of you just don’t have a standing date night for Friday nights?

I don’t think this issue needs to be swept under the rug because it is much bigger than just his daughter’s opinion and it greatly affects your long term compatibility and future.  When my husband and I were first dating he was incredibly busy and spent significant time dealing with issues in his business. Not financial issues, like it struggling, but juggling everything to make it work, run smoothly, coordinating all his jobs and putting out all the fires that popped up. He worked twice the hours most people worked in a week!

But I WAS supportive, understanding, and I didn’t point out the fact he never made plans because I had just left a job where I was working 80 hour weeks for months and barely had time to keep my head above water! I mean he always wanted to spend time with me when he could, but he was just trying to get through a 14-16 hour work day so he wasn’t thinking about what restaurant to take me to or what movie I might want to see or planning some weekend trip away.  So I took over making the plans and he was fine with that. I would say “Why don’t we make reservations at our favorite restaurant for Saturday night?” or “Let’s go see that movie we talked about on Sunday afternoon?” And he would do his best to work it into his schedule.

But I was also fine if we were just doing Netflix and Chill or having drinks around the firepit. Some of my favorite nights when we were dating is when he would fall asleep in my lap watching a movie because he had been up since 4 in the morning and was worn out. Just knowing he felt so safe and relaxed with me. And all these years later I still love for him to do that! If it were me before I just decided to throw in the towel and walk away I would have a serious conversation with him. Because at 14 months in my husband and I were already talking the future, marriage, whose house we would move into, which one we would rent out, etc. The two of you don’t seem anywhere close to that. And there is no use wasting your time if that is your ultimate goal and he’s not seeing it.

Tall, you don’t have any children so I’m unsure why you are taking such an opposing position. I do, and you have no idea how easily minor or adult children can make or break a relationship. Its not much different than having “in-laws” who don’t like or get along with an SO, whereas it can add a whole lot of stress and strain on a couple, especially when it comes to being able to fully integrate.

Trust me, you have no idea how MISERABLE adult family members can have on a relationship. So what if they are adults. The daughter, and OP’s niece are ALLOWED to feel what they feel. To say his daughter’s education and her being comfortable in her own home, should be less important to him than a GF’s feelings is hogwash. He’s not done ‘parenting’ yet, nor do you ever stop parenting just because they become adults—its a life long job. So what if she’s wild? I’ve seen mature adult professional children fully disassociate themselves from a parent solely because of their SO. Sorry, but my priority will always be to my children, and I as a parent, *I* get to CHOSE that for myself—the rest can suck it.

Trust me, if my sons and my immediate family members didn’t like my BF, or his daughter and his immediate family members didn’t like me, we would not be together. I’ve personally witnessed how miserable it can make relationships/marriages when primary family members (children, siblings, parents, etc.) don’t like someone’s SO. They can’t go to family functions together, or enjoy weddings, births, birthdays, holidays, etc. without a lot of angst, or their SO feeling ‘left out’ as families often stick together even if they don’t have an issue them, because they want to avoid any family drama. This is a major part of integrating one’s lives together, and if your children or close/primary family members don’t like, get long with or want to be around a BF/GF/SO/SPOUSE, it can add a lot of strain om a couple which often evolves into fights and arguments, like this one is going through.

There are too many negative dynamics and hurdles at play here IMO, which is why the relationship has stalled, and has been going in the opposite direction (regressed) since last Nov. (based on her second post). He keeps throwing in more wrenches (obstacles), not trying to fix it, but alienating her further. What I do know is that if a man is not willing to fight for the relationship and find solutions to issues that arise with in it, so that the relationship can thrive and survive, its not going to last long. When the man ‘gives up’ (checks out) the fight is over.

I have thought about this the last two days. I was sad and took a day off yesterday. We will see each other this weekend and I will talk to him CAMLY (I’m trying to change how I communicate with him) about a lot of the things that you ladies pointed out here. I will tell him if he can’t make me a priority in his life and does not do anything to change the situation between me and his daughter and family (more integration) I will walk away. Of course, there are works on my part too. I need to change how I communicate with him, not fighting over text (I was so impulsive and wanted to do it last night but remember what you ladies said so I controlled myself. It’s hard but I did it), and integrate him into my family if he does his.

This is a great forum. I so appreciate you ladies take time to help me and other people. Love. :-)