Boyfriend's daughter and me staying over at his place

I just thought about this, based on how you just said it was super hard for you to suppress your anger and not go off on him. I think its highly possible that his daughter has witnessed your texting outbursts and/or has seen how they affect her father, which in turn, affects her in how she see’s and views you.

Something to ponder.

Lane,

What a rant, as usual. Boundaries are needed. I did not say that she (the poster) should have run of the place, it is reasonable to say that the daughter should hold her tongue and not act like a petulant brat over one/two nights a week. She is an adult. Not everything needs to be a moratorium on how much her father loves her. He is a grown man and is entitled to have a girlfriend in his own home in without his adult child whining (especially when she is living there for free). It is reasonable to ask an adult child to be respectful of your partner. If you really do not agree with that, which has nothing to do with being a parent, well then so be it. Parents are parents, they teach boundaries, not indulge tantrums, especially in their 20s. That is what parenting is about – not always being the nice guy.

But honestly, if this man were capable or willing to have conflict resolution, this would be handled better anyhow. He would tell his daughter to be respectful and he would engage with the girlfriend better as well.

And as to the poster. Please get some therapy on your anger issues so you can learn better communication skills. It will be the undoing of any relationship you are in and there are skills you can learn.

Well Tall, I have absolutely no clue where you got the idea his daughter is ‘acting like a petulant brat?’

ALL the OP said is that her BF recently told her that he didn’t think his daughter liked her. That’s it. So I’m unsure why your blaming this all on his daughter when she hasn’t even seen or talked to his daughter but for a few times in the past 14 months, according to the OP, and she said his daughter showed no signs of disliking her?

I think you went too far on this one.

No, I don’t have anger or alcoholic issue. In fact, I’ve never drunk in my life. Overall, everybody says I’m a very nice person. He also says that I have a big heart and am smart but I like to fight with him for some reason. I guess it’s because at the beginning, he said he would treat me better than anyone else ever treated me before and we’d build a relationship that everyone would envy. And now after so many times asking to spend more time with him and wasn’t listened to (I don’t think that’s a lot to ask) I’ve built too much resentment inside and act out. I know it’s not an acceptable behavior and I have tried to change. I’m saying hearing for you ladies reinforces that. I have tried to calm down by doing meditation and therapy but stopped because of covid19. I’m not perfect but I’m liked by most people. In fact, my colleagues from peers to boss have told me I am often praised by people across the board and that everyone loves me and wants to work with me. My friends also say nice things about me. They say my bf is lucky to have me but I guess I have a dark side that I need to work on. I know where I got this from but I don’t want to blame anyone. It’s something related to my upbringing.

Thank you again everyone!

Lane,

I 100% blame the father!!! He is not standing up to his daughter, nor is he standing up for his girlfriend. He might not want to. That is my point. The poster sees him so infrequently, it is not a competition and I would expect my adult child to suck it up and would tell her so. Especially for 1-2 nights a week and living under my roof when should could be out there paying rent. This is a him issue and not a kid issue.

Poster – when a man tells you he is going to do something and he does not, it is your cue to leave, not abandon yourself so much you become angry and bitter. This is on you for accepting his words over his actions. You need to be the ceo if your life and if this dude is not stepping up, exit him for you.

Dear lynn, what he said at first about the relationship:,you have what anybody envies made my hairs go all straight up. And thats not good. It sounds like a future faker. But Lets not go there. Go with your gut and class. Define for yourself what you want. Also if this is what he can give dont throw it away like that. Think.

We already gave you advice and you thought that making him guess and read your mind would change things. Either step up and have a conversation or leave.

Did he even acknowledge your birthday?

“He has said “I love you” more often but I don’t believe it and don’t feel it so I don’t say it back. That discourages him and now he stops saying it. He also is less communicative and that makes me doubt him more. I even question if he’s cheating and that’s why he does not make time for me.”

This sounds awful. You’ve been dating this man 1.5 years at this point, you don’t believe he loves you, and you question if he’s cheating. What reason do you have to think he’s cheating?

Did you ask him about your birthday? Remind him? Tell him what you wanted to do? Or did he do nothing and you just silently steam over it instead of voicing what you want and expect? I don’t expect my boyfriend to magically know what I want to do for my birthday. I make sure to tell him.

You’re unable to speak up and communicate with this guy. In fact it seems passive aggressive to refuse to tell him you love him back (assuming you do– do you love him?), because it just discourages him and makes him stop saying it. So then he pulls away and stops communicating and you get upset and suspicious. Do you see how you contribute to the dynamic? If you were warm, loving, and receptive to him, don’t you think things would be different? It amazes me when women treat their boyfriends or guys they’re dating coldly, and then get upset when the guy pulls away or becomes distant.

You don’t believe he loves you, and the relationship seems to have an end date since he plans to move away. I personally don’t see a reason to continue dating this guy. Even if he were not planning to move, the relationship isn’t healthy, there’s no communication and you don’t even feel loved, and you suspect him of cheating when there doesn’t seem to be a reason to.

I think talking is going to get you nowhere. Tell him you need space and see if he steps up.

Not to be harsh, but you have a serious communication problem with this guy, and your solution is to communicate with him even less? How is that going to solve anything?

This isn’t a guy you’ve just started casually dating. This is something you’ve been in a relationship with for a year and a half. Don’t you think you need to talk about all these things you’re thinking and feeling? And if necessary, end the relationship? Or, if you want to continue the relationship, find a way to address the problems together?

You’ve mentioned a lot of things here that you “never brought up” with him. Relationship problems will not solve themselves unless you address them. Not communicating is not a solution to a communication problem!

Well I wrote him a long email expressing my concerns and feelings.I don’t want to pressure him too much and that’s why I pull back. I said what I needed to and will wait to see what he does. After my head is clear, I’ll talk to him.

Liz, it’s because I tend to be very emotional when I talk to him. I cry a lot. It’s not something I’m proud of. I hate it but can’t control it. It’s not just with him. That’s how I am. Many times I tell myself I would stay calmed and would not cry but I still do. It’s so embarrassing.

I know he read my email so I’ll wait and when it’s time, I’ll talk to him. For now, I’m staying cool and focus on other things.

UPDATED

I thought I would come back one day and give you guys good news until something happened last night.

Let’s backtrack. After my last time posting here, I had a conversation with my boyfriend. I told him how I was not happy he did not make time for me and all that. I asked him directly if he’s seen someone else. He firmly said no but expressed that he’s seeing a problem fitting in with my family. We are from a different country and my parents do not speak English. English is my second language as you can probably tell. He praised my family for being successful and educated but said he could not see himself hanging out with my brothers and all he could do with my sisters-in-law was saying “Hi. How are you?” I asked if that means he did not see a future for us and he said no, that’s not what he meant. I asked if he wanted us to end and he said no. He said he would make at least one day a week available for me. He works every day and on weekends too and I have my son most nights so I thought that was reasonable. However, I did not accept his suggestion at the time because I was so fixated with the fact that he did not see fitting in with my family. I was hurt by that so much that I said it’s not going to work because my family is so important to me and left as if we’re broken up. He texted me two days later and said he was very sad. I was sad too and felt bad for not giving him a chance after he promised to spend more time with me.

I went back to him a week later to try again. We both have been very happy since then. I made him dinner last Friday and he enjoyed it so much. I could see a change in him. He’s genuinely happy. Last night, I came over and he’s making me dinner. We were talking and having so much fun while he’s cooking. He then called his brother and his wife to say hi. While we were facetiming, a Tinder notification popped up on his phone. I was in shock and felt my heart sink. I tried to play it cool but couldn’t. During dinner, he’s asking me if everything was okay and I started crying. I apologized for that and said let’s finish dinner. What I meant was “let’s finish dinner and then talk” but he was upset that I did not communicate so he stopped eating and got up to clean his plate. I could not eat either so he cleaned mine as well. He then asked what bothered me so I told him.

He admitted he’s on Tinder. I asked for how long and he said two weeks. He said it’s because I said it’s over between us. He said he has not gone out on any date and the person that messaged him is just like a friend. I asked to see their texts and he showed me. It’s true that they have not planned anything and the conversation seems innocent. Also, I noticed he started messaging her on 9/13 which was two days after our heavy conversation so he seemed to be truthful. However, what bothers me is why he’s still on Tinder after we got back together. Also, looking back I see it now that he seems to guard his phone a lot. When I am there, he would take his phone to the bathroom every time he needs to use it or he would say he needed to drink water and be gone to the kitchen with the phone for a few minutes.

And his reaction after I found out about Tinder? He’s upset with me saying I ruined the night. He said I could just have asked him about it but did not and changed my mood completely. He said it started out very nice but my lack of communication changed everything and the night had bad vibes so he asked me to leave. He was very upset saying I judged him. I did not want to leave at first thinking I was in the wrong but he insisted he needed time alone and we could talk tomorrow so I left.

As I was driving home, I realized I needed time alone too to process what just happened. I also realized why the heck was he blaming me. That’s not the behavior of someone who cared about me. I lost a golden opportunity to know if he’s really cheating on me by not asking to see the whole account. What if he’s talking to other women too? I admitted I have been immature and threatened to break up with him way too many times so if I pushed him away I am partially blamed but why not just tell me and end our relationship first?

What do you guys think I should do? Would this be a good ground for breaking up? Should I have a conversation with him to clear things up? I just can’t trust him anymore.