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- This topic has 4 replies and was last updated 4 years, 6 months ago by
redcurleysue.
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Monika
So I was with my now ex for almost 2 years. We broke up over a year ago but have been on and off since. By that I mean we wouldn’t talk for a month them one of us would miss the other and we’d start talking and hanging out again and date for maybe a month before everything starts going down. We dated again at the end of summer but we were both so busy we didn’t have much time for each other so we agreed to pick it up another time. In the meantime we got with other people but it then didn’t work for me so I ended it with my bf and he found out and texted me so the circle started again and he broke up with his gf a week later. We texted loads and he’d always talk about us getting back together again but I said I’m not ready yet as I need to get over everything we’ve been through and the most recent breakup. He promised he’ll wait. It was fine we texted and hung out and kissed loads but never made it official. In the meantime I was working on myself and we agreed to meet up after lockdown and talk about us and I told him I’m ready but I want to talk in person. He agreed and he was excited and it got my hopes up. Skip to today he told me he’s texting somebody else and clicked better with her (they’ve been texting for 3 days) and he wants to pursue with her instead of me. I love him so so much and I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else. I’m young but I really do love him and couldn’t make it work with anyone else. I can’t get over him and even in the times we didn’t talk I always found myself thinking of him even when cuddling someone else. I want him back but I’m so hurt. I want to do no contact and try texting him after but at the same time I want him to be happy and he seems to really like the girl but I’m also worried as he’s only met the girl online and he doesn’t even know what she looks like so I’m worried for him, as well as worried I’m going to lose him. I need advice either to get him back or to try get over him as anything I’ve tried just doesn’t work. Thank you.
mell
Oh sweetheart.
You’ve never given each other enough space to get over each other. If you were compatible, it would have worked by now – this on-off business is a sign you aren’t right for each other. You had so many chances to make it work, but it didn’t. Whatever caused you to break up will keep being a problem – so if you get back together with him, you’ll almost certainly break up again.
If you weren’t together and agreed you needed space to process things, you shouldn’t have been hanging out and kissing. That won’t let you clear your head. Instead, you acted as if you were in a relationship, without the actual commitment – and then he went and found someone else. Which is allowed, because you weren’t together. But your feelings are hurt because he was taking up all your time and mental energy. Don’t do that any more – all it’s led to is breaking up with your new partners and unofficially hanging out all the time romantically. If you’re broken up, then leave each other alone.
You will live, and you will find other boys – he is not the only one. It feels that way, but the feeling fades.
If he feels that some girl he met online who he’s seen for 3 days has a better chemistry with him, then you are not right for each other. You can’t get him back – look, he knows you! If he wants you, you’re right there. The unfortunate fact is that you’re not what he wants right now, and you have to accept that even though it’s really hard.
Let him date the girl he wants to date, and move on. Go ‘no contact’. Stop texting him. Remove him from your social media so he doesn’t pop up all the time and hurt your feelings. Then move on. Make some friends, take up some hobbies – fill your life with fun – it sounds like all your life has been is on-off drama with him.
When you’re ready after that, start dating again.
Lane
Honestly, I don’t understand those who engage in “on again, off again” relationships? If it was meant to be there be no OFF, you would always be ON, and enjoying the relationship and forward progression that a healthy one requires.
Do not keep doing this. Don’t get ‘stuck in a rut’ that you are ill-equipped to deal with due to age (immaturity), as it sets you up to keep failing in relationships. Only stay in ones that work; the one where you both don’t have to engage in such unhealthy relationship habits or you’re setting yourself up to fail. Stop failing. Start looking for the “A grade” relationship, not the “F” (like this one) or you will never achieve a good one.
Love, is never a good reason to stay in a bad relationship. A good relationship isn’t this hard. It doesn’t go on and off, isn’t stressful, and doesn’t cause you constant insecurity, anxiety, stress, worry or concern—unhealthy one’s do. Seek the OPPOSITE of what you’ve experienced from here on, whereas if your next relationship(s) are the same, then the COMMON DENOMINATOR is YOU! Do the math, analyze your own behaviors and figure out why you struggle so much in relationships, and specifically why you CLING onto men for so long, which is a co-dependent behavior, and something I would definitely look into, as you may be one, unknowingly.
Figure yourself out first. What is it that keep attracting you to the wrong men? When you’ve figured that out, only then should you date again.
mell
@ Lane: I know, right?
If you broke up over something that wasn’t stupid, then that problem should have been addressed before you can consider getting back together. For example – long distance. Sometimes getting back together can work.
But if it’s due to things that just can’t change, it’s pretty pointless to bounce together and apart every couple of months, with all the drama that it entails.
redcurleysue
It will take time to mend your broken heart – but well worth it when you meet a new man who will not be in drama with you.
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