Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Break up or Work on it
- This topic has 10 replies and was last updated 4 years, 1 month ago by
Liz Lemon.
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HeyItsMe
So my boyfriend and I have been together about a year and a half now, and we’re currently living together. I’ve been thinking about breaking up with him a lot lately, as I’m at least the past month if not longer. He’s not bad person, nor is he toxic to me. He loves me very much and treats me well, and does everything on his power to make me happy and our relationship work. But I feel like we’re incompatible in a lot of ways. We can’t into the relationship with pretty different backgrounds and different values on many things. He’s changed how he views things (or at least agrees that I’m right pertaining to certain values I have), on many different occasions. But a part of me feels like I’m always asking him to change something. Whether it be how he reacts or thinks about something, or particularly, how we should raise kids. And a part of is just tired of asking him to change, or annoyed at the fact that he’s had to change and grow so much. I feel bad for thinking this way, because this shows he cares and values what I think and feel. He’s done his best to grow as a person for the sake of our relationship. And he’s done a lot for me since been together, he’s the reason I was able to escape my toxic family environment. He’s helped taken care of my father when he was alive (he’s outside the toxic household I was referring to), and he’s financially supported me when my dad passed away. And in general he just does a lot. I don’t know if I’m just taking him for granted at this point, or the fact that I never seemed satisfied with him and he does is just a sign that I should end the relationship. We’re living together now too, so we would have to figure out where he would live and when he could even move. (The lease is in my name and I can financially support myself – barely though – at this point). But either way, I’ve been thinking about breaking up with him a lot lately, I question if we’re compatible all the time, and I’ve always thought, “I would never get with someone like him again if we broke up”. Again I don’t think he’s a bad person or treats me badly. He treats me extremely well, but a lot of the initial and a lot of the current values he has, I don’t agree with or mesh super well with.
Tallspicy
This will sound snide, but part of me hopes you end it and he finds someone else…. potentially more grateful for him than you.
If he is not the man for you, stop torturing both of you and end it.
Or, you could reframe and focus on what he does well and show some gratitude for that.
I doubt you are perfect, so maybe you could change for him for once.
mama
It is an awful idea to get into a serious relationship based on someone’s potential to change or ability to change. You clearly don’t accept him “as is”. Maybe take a look at why you thought THAT was okay?
No one here would be able to give you an honest opinion about your longterm relationship and whether it’s “okay” to break up with him. We have no idea what any of that really looks like because we only have what you’ve shown us. That being said, you don’t have to have some horrible reason of mistreatment to break up with someone.
Personally (having been married, divorced, and now in a long-term relationship after years on my own) I understand how the “shine” wears off and then you’re stuck in the middle of this existential pondering of “why did I pick this person!?!?”
That’s why it’s important to pick someone who has a foundation of values important to you — you’re not always going to be “in love”. Sometimes you’ll even despise each other! But if you have a good foundation, you fall back on that to sustain yourselves until you can get back to a sense of connection. You may be wanting to bail because of various reasons and that’s okay.
In my opinion (as I’m not really sure what you are asking for specifically), a few visits on your own to a counselor/therapist to sort your thoughts and feelings out might do you much better than posting here on a dating site. This dating site is great for dating advice, but you are way beyond that and what this community can offer you.
I wish you the best friend!
HeyItsMe
Thank you for your responses.
@mama I was more so trying to get advice regarding if I should see how I could/should work on improving the relationship on my end, or if these were clear cut reasons that’s it’s time to go. I still love and care about him, I’m more so just concerned about us making each other unhappy in the future, and possibly getting worse once kids are involved. But therapy might be the best route.
Also, I didn’t go into the relationship with hopes of changing him. But I can say we rushed into the relationship and didn’t know each other super well, especially like core values and views on raising children. It’s more like what we should’ve done during the dating phase (prior to getting into a relationship) we did after we officially started dating. Since then it’s been when hump over another, but overall we’ve been pretty happy til recently. I don’t know if it’s just particularly hard now since we’re living together now and having to actively work as unit, so every step each person takes directly effects the other even more since we cohabitate.
Amy S
What values do you think he should change is the question I would like to know ? Especially with regards to children. If he’s way off the mark then you can’t continue. Or are you just a quietly controlling type that needs someone to always agree with them ?
Newbie
Its very hard to imagine what kind of differences you are talking about. It would help to have a few examples of issues he changed his opinion about for you.
In general your post reads as you being a spoiled brat and never happy with what you have. There might be a reason for that. You describe you got a toxic family and your bf helped you getting away from them and help you with your dad dying. Us humans can be really stupid to ourself. We pick with what we are familiar with. Which in your case may be a man not putting you on a pedestal but putting you down.
This man sounds like a good man, if he is not for you, by all means, let him go. But beware you might do that for the wrong reasonsLiz Lemon
I agree with what the others have said. Without specific examples of the extreme differences in values that you have, it’s hard to understand exactly what you’re talking about.
From what you’re saying, this guy loves you, treats you well, “has done his best to grow as a person for the sake of our relationship.” But the flip side of that is, what have YOU done for the sake of the relationship? Have you tried to grow as a person? Do you reciprocate his love and effort, or is he just never good enough?
You constantly think of breaking up and wonder if you’re even compatible. Surely you see it’s not fair to him to continue in this relationship if you feel this way. Put yourself in his shoes, how would you feel if you were dating someone and treating them the way he treats you, and they were just annoyed by you and thinking of breaking up constantly and did not think you were compatible. Wouldn’t that suck?
HeyItsMe
I appreciate all your responses. I feel like giving examples is irrelevant at this point, as decided take your guys advice about seeing what I can do to improve the relationship and try to be more appreciative. And really just see where I can compromise more. Thank you all for your help!
Newbie
If you Google Alain de bottom and why you will marry the wrong person you will find an article explaining how people associate love with examples from their childhood that are not love at all. I think he also wrote a book now about relationship. You might give it a look
Newbie
Botton*
Liz Lemon
Newbie is so right about repeating family/childhood patterns in relationships. We are drawn to what feels familiar in relationships, whether or not it is healthy. It has taken me a long time and a lot of self-reflection to realize my patterns. And the funny thing is I have also come to realize my current bf has many personality characteristics similar to my dad (they are all good or neutral qualities, though, thankfully). The trick is being mindful of the patterns you are repeating and distancing yourself from what is unhealthy. And finding different ways to react to the patterns. It really was such a revelation to me. I hope you are able to figure things out, OP.
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