Breakup Comfort

Unless the story is different i dont think youre the idiot who gave him so many changes but youre the idiot who made your partner trip over a question he knew he couldnt answer right.

I don’t think you would have been any happier if he had told the truth. The fact you have screenshots makes it clear you had zero trust in him. Asking a question you knew the answer to was setting him up. I’m not saying he was right to lie but i can’t see what you hoped to achieve aside from confirming that he is a liar- which you knew anyway from his past behaviour.

I don’t get why he was so full on the first or second time you were together- you are right to be confused by that because it makes no real sense because the first time he clearly wasn’t as committed as he made out.

He is spot on about trust. That you don’t trust him and set him up really shows that things cannot work. You can’t get over his past behaviour to rebuild the trust and without trust you will both be miserable.

Aside from lying about his ex from what you’ve said this time round he was different. So you have two options. Either accept you will never trust him and maintain the relationship being over or try and consider together how you can rebuild trust in him.

Neither option is easy and both will hurt.

Best of luck x

You know what? When you break a beautiful teapot, even if you manage to salvage every shard, you can’t put it back together the way it was before. Even with the strongest glue there is no guarantee that pot will be able to hold water again. Repairing trust broken is not an undertaking YOU do on your own— it’s a job you do as a couple — by you not flying off the handle and him being completely transparent. I’m sorry but he was speaking to at least two other women at one point. The way I feel about it he should have handed over his phone any time you asked if he wanted to make it work. If he felt like you were being too demanding he could have allowed you to look, then expressed to you his difficulty in not being believed. The fact that he stormed off means to me he wasn’t willing to do the WORK it takes to repair what he broke in the first place.

One of the hardest parts about a breakup is to quit the lying to yourself. I’m going through one right now. I broke it off. And yet why do I secretly wish he might call? Because I’m lying to myself that I was happy – but I wasn’t — that’s why I ended it. Stop lying to yourself. He could not regain your trust. Admit it. Because you went through a trauma and because you obviously already felt that him adding tons of girls on social media means he has a proclivity to be distracted by other women all the time anyway — and that shiste ain’t gonna make you happy!

Be true to you. Slick to your gut decisions even when it’s agony. Your future you will thank you.

@Lane i completely get what you’re saying. I just want to give a little further clarification to why i reacted this way and wanting to know what happened. He has an online business and just before the breakup that resulted in our engagement getting called off, his ex (who he had told me was not in the picture at all and they actually ended things on really bad terms) started following and liking everything on his page, i wasn’t snooping around and came across this by chance & at the time i was curious at what stage did they patch things up for her to start supporting him. The day i asked to see his phone, was a few days after i started to notice this one friend of his was calling him quite often & sometimes late and he’d never answer his call when he was around me so it made me feel like something was definitely off. As his fiance, i felt at the time that i should’ve been able to make that request. In the time we had off, he moved interstate and it so happens that i had a mutual friend with his ex and she told me that she went up to the same location for a weekend…during this time, the ex was advocating for his product and business and they also started following each other on social media (which was what the screenshot was of) i just felt like there was more going on. When we got back together, i convinced myself that surely nothing was going on while we were together and whatever he did when we’d broken up was his business, but when the topic came back up, i couldn’t help but confront him about it and i hoped that he could give me even just some clarification to what went on but instead he went on the defense and brought up the trust. I’d had previous relationships and never asked to see their phones or asked who they’re talking to…even after we got back after our big breakup, i never did & to be honest he didn’t give me reason to when we got back the last time. But i couldn’t shake the fear that if he can’t be open about this then what else will he keep from me later

Just because someone is on the defensive doesn’t mean they did anything wrong, or are doing anything wrong. Sometimes people get sick and tired of rehashing or beating the same horse over, and over, and over to the point there’s no more fight left, you surrender, and walk away because its not worth the constant battle.

When you go to war with a man (confront him), over the same issues you had prior to the breakup, then be prepared for another breakup because there are no winners when keep taking the same losing strategy. Like they say “pick your battles very carefully” and in this case, you went to battle, again, and lost the war, again. Best to just accept that this would be an ongoing battle, and not worth the constant fighting.

Just know exes go through stages, where at some point, in time, they reach a point of “indifference.” This is when the high level of passion, either anger or love, finally dissipates/fizzles out. It often happens when one extends an olive branch, and the other reciprocates, and are able to finally talk civilly with each other. Sure, its *possible* the ex is still in love with him but all you need to do is take ‘mental notes’ and just watch because oftentimes they fizzle out, on their own, after they’ve cleared the air. My BF’s ex did this when we got together, I said nothing but just sat back and watched, where my BF, on his own accord, started to ignore her. He was trying to mitigate any drama, by being ‘friendly’ but slowly fading away until she finally got the hint, and eventually stopped.

My ex husband was the one to reach out, and extend an olive branch after our contentious divorce. We are now able to communicate, primarily about our sons, without all the negative post divorce negative vibes because we reached the point of ‘indifference’ towards each other—it just took him longer than it did me. Its really none of my BF’s business when or if I speak to my ex husband, where I’ll tell him, IF I want to. On the flip side, its not my business when or if he speaks to his exes because I know he does but I never questioned his trust, or asked for details because he feels safe talking to be about it with me without any prompting on my end, when he wants to. I’m perfectly fine and OK if he doesn’t because I know there are no romantic or residual feelings with any of them, as he passed the indifference stage with them years ago.

I honestly think this breakup is for the best because without trust, you can’t have a happy or healthy relationship.