Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Broke off with non-committal -mistake?
- This topic has 11 replies and was last updated 5 years ago by
Newbie.
-
AuthorPosts
-
Shortsweet
So I had been dating a guy. We met online and have been together 5 months. He was lovely In the beginning, always wanting to see me, to take me out and things were generally great. He messaged each day, spent as much time as we could together and I met his friends and family. He then messaged me about 3 months into things saying that he didn’t want anything intense as he was not ready for it and wanted to continue how we were. I said to him that was ok, I didn’t want to rush into anything and wanted to progress the relationship at a normal pace. He initially said in the message he would rather talk about it, but whenever I tried by phon3 he avoided it. When I tried to bring it up face to face he just said you get use to being on your own, and just shut it down from there.
Things seemed ok after then but then the nice coupley messages became less and less. He invited me to his friends birthday in town and ignored me all night and never offered to buy me a drink. I felt pretty down and upset that night and he seemed in a mood. I said what is wrong and he just said he was fine and gave me a sarcastic smile. I got upset and then said to him I never know how you feel about me and he replied “I am a clear guy”. He never was open emotionally, we only had what I call surface conversations. He asked less and less to see me himself, I always had to do the asking.
Forward to this week I asked to see him on the weekend and it took my mind off things as my cat died that weekend. I wanted to see him on Christmas Eve but he just made excuses about why he couldn’t see me. I heard nothing from him Christmas Eve so I ended it. I said to him I am not sure what is going on with us, but I don’t think I am what you are looking for. I am going to step away now and give you the space you want. I am scared now I did the wrong thing. He read my message but didn’t reply. If he wanted me sincerely would he have replied?
Andrea
He told you three months in that he wasn’t into you. You decided to stick around anyway, despite being treated worse and worse.
You need to forget about this guy, and instead determine why you would put up with a FWB arrangement.
Honeypie
This is sad to read. Sounds like all was going ok, you thought you were on the same page. Then he want feeling it going forward into anything long term for whatever reason. He said to you this was the case and refused to let you know why really, but none the less did tell you.
You said you weren’t looking to rush into anything. That isn’t the same as what he said to you. That’s you hoping if you go slow, he’ll change his mind.
He’s stayed where he told you he was at- not all in. And you’ve been hopeful and chasing and pushing for indications of him feeling more than that. He has been clear as he a said. Please don’t put yourself through this anymore. You’re the one with the feelings and hopes here and I can understand that horrid place of it not being returned, but they simply aren’t from him. This is a waste of your love and emotions.
The fact he hasn’t even responded to your message on Christmas Eve and you didn’t have an arrangement over Christmas should tell you where he’s at.
Jennifer
You did the absolute right thing! I agree worth Andrea this guy has just been benefitting from the situation for the last 3 months and not given anything to you.
Really you have to look yourself in the mirror and ask why you would want to spend time with someone who is not invested.
Enjoy the holidays and start 2020 fresh and single. Don’t take him back if he messages you something lame!Liz Lemon
I agree with what the others have said. It often takes several months of dating for a guy to decide if he sees a serious future with you. No matter how great the first few months are, eventually the guy reaches a point where he decides he doesn’t want to continue. So the timing is right, if he told you at 3 months that he didn’t want anything serious. It sucks unfortunately but it happens. He just wasn’t feeling it.
You deserve so much better than a guy who never asks to see you and is emotionally closed off to you. He didn’t even bother to have a conversation in person with you about it, he did it over message. You totally did the right thing, don’t 2nd guess yourself.
Shortsweet
I think all of this is particularly hard for me breaking away as I lost my beloved pet cat the other day and I am feeling like I have lost so much. Deep down I know he isn’t good for me and was stringing me along but it hurts, as we had some good times and nice weekends together. He was there for me when I wanted to hang out after my cat passed away, but he just avoided making any long term or concrete plans. Especially around Christmas I thought you would want to spend time together. In the end I just messaged him again and said I wanted a relationship, you didn’t want to commit. I think the whole not hearing back from him when I know he has read my messages has messed me up. I would have though if he agreed he would have messaged and said yes, you are correct and I am sorry I can’t give you what you want. Usually I would cope ok, but I didn’t really want to break it off with him as I still liked him but it was a what is best kind of situation. Maybe the way he has reacted speaks volumes. Maybe he cares so little that he can just ignore it. I know he is quite a confident, verbose type of person, so I would have thought it may have provoked some kind of reaction wether that be confusion or anger.
Liz Lemon
I’m very sorry about the loss of your cat. Its also a difficult time of year for loss with it being the holidays. The season just amplifies everything.
Do you have friends and/or family you can lean on during this time? I don’t think trying to provoke a reaction from him will be productive, or even successful. I understand wanting to have some kind of reaction from him. But it won’t do you any good or make you feel better in the long run. You know he can’t give you what you want; he told you that after 3 months of dating. Hearing him say it again will not help you. He may not want to reply to you for fear of provoking drama or getting into some kind of back & forth with you. It doesn’t really matter. You already know he can’t give you what you want.
Try to lean on your family & friends now & try to look forward to 2020 as an opportunity to meet someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Better off single
When you’re alone you do get used to it. You actually find comfort and security in being alone. Nobody there to cut your heart wide open, you have control over your own s×it and want do everything to protect it. Someone’s presence has to be better than his love for solitude.
Congrats you found someone emotionally unavailable. he is not that interested because something or someone f×cked him up and he isn’t over it.
You can not make someone who is emotionally unavailable suddenly available by being cute and adorable or ‘there for him’. He has to figure all of that on his own. Keep moving hun. Your absence might cause him to reconsider, likely hood of it is slim.
Sensy
Do not have fear and you did the right thing. Acccept this is where life is taking you and focus on your own life and interests and hobbies while healing. You are at a crossroads of life.
K
Sounds like he met someone else. He checked out a long time ago. I’m not sure why you think you made a mistake by walking away from someone who showed you loud and clear he wasn’t interested in being with you. When a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship, believe him and put him in your rear view mirror ASAP.
Shortsweet
He replied to me in the end. It turns out he was engaged and the girl broke off the engagement the year they were meant to get married. It is clear he hasn’t healed from that.
I guess I have 100% closure now.
Newbie
I hope you dont backpedal again. You have to learn to understand dude talk. After 3 months he said he could only do casual and you assumed you were still together on a slower pace, like others also pointed out. Its highly likely he will contact you again at some point for company. Dont be tempted. It wont mean anything
-
AuthorPosts
